the window
has this neat little latch.
it’s worn and old, but
opens wide and boa-like
to draw in
the smells of lilac and new rain,
and sometimes
the sound of your voice.
you pace the South garden,
your poetry
held so tight
within your hands,
each page a new love;
how every detail seems
perfect from here:
the way the moon folds
into your face,
that the tall oak stands thick
but empty,
all of this -
sans my touch
Author notes
not sure about more edits.
A contest entry
- Empty Vessel by Heart Sutra.
950 points, ended May 17, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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a garden
love follows here in a garden of feelings and a place of solice ...your poem flows with fluidity of emotions.
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i like very much how u carefully set up a piece, show us somthing beautiful, give us something to think about, and then carefully and politely close the door.
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The details and descriptions in this poem are fantastic. I especially love the line about the moon folding into the face. Very well done.
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an image captured in 6D
I am very fond of the way you pick out details and use them to render an entire picture and moment in six dimensions - the usual 3 plus smell, time and emotion. The poem conveys the place and the mood very well and makes it a personal experience for the reader as much as it is or was for you.
A few comments:
"the window
has this neat little latch." (Neat is one of those dangerous words like nice, pretty and cute, that in a poem beg more questions - what's so neat about it? or is it tidy?)
it’s worn and old, (I wonder at this moment whether it's the latch or the window that's worn and old until I see that "it" opens wide and I assume that it's the window; perhaps a reordering of the lines might avoid this moment of confusion if you meant the window. On the other hand, if the latch is worn from your constant opening and closing of the window, that could be interesting...)
but
opens wide and boa-like (the simile here does not really work for me)
I really like, and have no suggestions for, the rest of the lines, except for the line with moon folding into his/her face; I have a hard time grasping the image.
Overall, a successful poem that describes and moves, shows and does not tell. Well done!
Steve -
This poem is breathtaking.. I love the reflective style you use. I have windows with those latches.
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thanks Red!
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I like it.
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thanks Jaden!
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this is some tasty imagery, the sensory details really make this. excellent.
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thanks!
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I liked it, you used good description and imagery here. I found this poem quite sad especially because of the last line. Good luck in the contest
Pozo
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I get a sense of surreality reading the images you pen so adeptly of locks and windows, the freshness of lilacs and rain, a voice and a face illumined in moon light....all ethereal, the thoughts of an unseen observer who really is not detached from the scene at all, but becomes the center. And the poetry, hers. It's crisp and enigmatic simultaneously in your presentation.
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This has an intriguing feel about it... an accepting loneliness, visually emphatic and empathic. Again the well-honed simplicity carries the moment to fruition.. and that ending..!
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I really enjoyed the vibe of this poem it had a sad but uplifting feel to it Good Job.
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Hmmm
I wasn't to into this poem but I clicked so I figured I should comment. Sorry I couldn't think of something nice to say but hope you do well in your contest!!!
A MURDEROUS LAMENT <\33
P.S. Sorry AgaiN! -
a beautiful poem
there is a lot in this poem: place, things of the senses; some truly memorable phrasings; and some mystery: what would your touch add or take away- or who would be touched...so very nice... so very well done...PK
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perfect! no editing needed! I'll be back soon to check out your other writes. I loved this one. Thank you for sharing. peace and light, Kendal
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damn this is good.
"with your poetry
held so tight
within your hands,
each page a new love"
i loved the image of that..
excellent entry, drew me in.
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I'm at work, Kim so only on quickly to say how beautiful this is...the details in this poem, the little and the big things that live in the eye and make that special someone come alive again; bring the loved one closer. And how well your words grace this page too.
Stunning - the touch here so soft it makes the eyes soft too.
~ Nicolette
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Secretly I think you did not want to write about the window but about your fascination with this person.
What are those trees with the white flowers with pink in the middle? They're my favorite smell. Lilac is next.
The descriptions were amazing. The moon and the tree and the Hemmingway... just lovely.
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hi there.. I actually had to edit this to have it make a bit more sense with the poet's name/hemmingway and a few other things. It's the same poem you read before... just so you don't have to travel back.
but! if you don't mind... does it read better?
thanks! Kimmie -
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This does make more sense. I can picture it even better.
"with your poetry
held so tight
within your hands"
---This part, the with gets repetitive. Take the first one out completely?
(Gosh, you know you're looking good when my focus comes down to one word!)
There's only so little feedback because I couldn't find anything to tear apart even if I wanted to.
It's beautiful(er).
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it's odd to be the writer and still wait to find out how much I like the piece myself - but this helps... thanks bunches! I always love to hear from you.
Kimmie
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