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rebirth


night sky breaks
as sun meets horizon
carries with it
dreams of beginning
again


Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Emerald13
    April 24
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    i find myself revisiting a few of yours this (my) evening ... a soft, gentle sadness ... and always hope .. (we must never lose that) ... >>> Gina

  • truembrace
    July 9, 2007
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    hmmm... you haven't written anything in weeks again dear Alissia... ::tap tap tap::


    well - I just wanted to pop over here and post this to say your poetry has been and still is missed.

    hope you find your way to verses sometime soon....

    Kim...

  • truembrace
    May 25, 2007

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    hmmm... I read the comments below and wonder if you have already made the edits to this. It seems rather perfect to me. It's a wonderful little snippet - and to see you penning again is wonderful in itself.

    I sense the personal nature of this piece and despite such a succinct form with this piece - the meaning has possibility as big as the horizon you write of...

    nicely done Alissia...

    Kim


  • Emerald13
    May 9, 2007

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    gosh ... my firefox has dumped me twice already mid-comment ! ... trying again ... i love the tanka feel to this one ... i wonder about line two - it seems to repeat the title and the first line .... i lean to this ...

    night sky breaks
    the horizon
    carrying dreams
    of beginning again

    the title tells us its a sunrise ?

    really enjoyed the premise of this one ... >>> gina


    • illusions
      May 9, 2007
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      gina - i struggled with the title on this one, but ultimately chose dawn becuase i liked the one syllable simplicity. would a title like renewal or rebirth work better?

      i see what you are saying about the second line; however a change like you suggested implies that the night sky is doing the breaking instead of being broken which is the image i was trying to convey...but i do see now the repetitiveness you mention. hmmm....editing will probably be done...thank you for your help!!

      alissia

      • Emerald13
        May 9, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        hmmm yes perhaps the title ... i was honed into the line but you are right it changes it a little ... but (but but) ...

        if there is a pause after breaks - with the title of dawn ... i deliberately did not put the pause in ...


        dawn


        night sky breaks --
        the horizon carries dreams of beginning again

        (i would now change carrying) ... but i know i have sliced deeply (very haiku like) ... forgive me ... enjoyed playing with it though ... >>> gina

1 - 6 of 6