The tide comes.
The beach front --
rocks, shells, pebbles washed --
disappears as waves reach deeper.
the heart is full. The moon
looms, a large light,
brings to the froth a delicacy,
as it traces its reach with detritus --
driftwood and memories. She watches
from her window, combs her tresses,
strokes her feelings, feels irresistible.
The pull of the moon, the reach of the tide...
The dreams trickle from the corners of her eyes.
She is not
crying. Too full of life
waiting to be lived,
love waiting
to be recieved --
she waits for the right
wind to whisper it to.
Unlocked -- language
crumbles in the face of her
torrents of desire.
Kindled by caress, drawn by promise --
she waits for the sea to return
the birth of her memories to
the stone of her porch. Her roots
will provide. The wind will
release all the traveled stories, her passion
will be freed from the sand. Her man
his heart and bold dreams dance. Stir
the embers stoked in the hearth, 'til
she is both the dream and the dreamer--
no longer a breath on the sails coming home.
10:52 PM
April 21, 2007
Alexandria, VA
In a list
A contest entry
- methadone & thistle ( to burn a poem ) by jaunty pill.
1800 points, ended May 9, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me how you feel,what you see.
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
-
You always have so much to say, and express so many emotions I almost saw a medievil lady in her turret,
as a shadow of the Plain Jane.
-
-
The yearning wait of a love across time and space has been a romantic symbol for centuries. I can understand your seeing the lady in the turret. Glad you enjoyed my simple
piece. Love, Tom B.
-
-
Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it and i love the sea flow and ebb in it! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e
-
-
Thanks for sharing all of your delight. May the winds dance with your joy. Love, Tom B.
-
-
Mannn
Beautiful imagery... the sea, the porch...
I could SEE it all clearly.
OFF the hook in eloquence so beautifullyu painted.
Again read all of the comments posted and the metaphors speak for themselves.
Chez clarifies a lot of the details in her comments too.
Love the sandy beach and the waves froth.
Beautiful Images.
Namaste -
-
There is always a vision that sings for me when I write a poem. I find a line that opens the door to the piece and I then sing what I have found. Plain Jane has her own life, I am just a reporter. We shall see what the future holds for the hearts involved. Love, Tom B.
-
-
This poem is great, but you break it up too much with the punctuation. For example:
"The tide comes.
The beach front --
rocks, shells, pebbles washed --
disappears as waves reach deeper.
the heart is full. The moon
looms, a large light,
brings to the froth a delicacy,
as it traces its reach with detritus --
driftwood and memories. She watches
from her window, combs her tresses,
strokes her feelings, feels irresistible."
It's not really the periods and commas that bother me though. It's the dashes. I like to use them in my own poetry however in the amount that you've chosen to use them it's overwhelming. Having read this a few times I can't really see why you need that many to keep the flow of the poem going.
But you might want to consider cutting down on commas too if you decide to work on this, as that form of punctuation has been losing it's popularity in poetry and I don't feel it adds anything special to the piece. That doesn't mean you shouldn't use commas it just means you should try to use them in moderation.
As I said at the beginning of this comment, I think this poem is really good. It's romantic and even a bit mysterious. Your ideas are clear and understandable, but you don't give away enough to expose the heart of the piece.
Excellent work.
much love,
James
-
-
the comma's -- you may well be right. But, I need them when I am reading at open mike nights so I can understand the groupings and how to hold the pieces together. I already understand the lyricism in the poem and how it must flow. I am the featured artist with jazz backup this August and this will be one of the poems. Still I would love to see how you would edit the poem and if you would change the enjambment on the piece. I do things with a reason, but I am well aware that reason is only defended rationalizations.
Thanks for all the comments, Tom B.
-
-
This is beautifully expressed. I'm confused as to who "she "is. Maybe I am trying to over-intepret here. May be she is the woman in the window, maybe the stone beach house. These words confuse me: "Her roots will provide."
This draws feelings of longing for her, and also for myself. I would love to be in this physical space you have created, The ocean at night. ahhh!
-
-
Plain Jane is she. Roots? We all have them. Be it place, spirit, family we use them to create who we are and how we will be, consciously or unconsciously. The window is in the house, most have them
Longing? I have been writing of separation and the waiting for the return of the loved one for sometime. I always seem to do it from the woman's point of view. I don't know why. It just works that way.
Love, Tom B.
-
-
As usual, great job. I think I acually understood some of it this time.
-
-
doing a great job as a norm. I hope I can live up to that.
what did you understand? most of all, what did you feel?
Love, Tom B.
-
-
great write.
-
-
Thanks
-
-
I hate that I clicked on this yet have nothing to say, except that I love the closing line. A perfect ending.
-
-
The wind has been a on going metaphor for touching across distance and separation. That is part of what led to the last line. Thanks for sharing. Love, Tom B.
-
-
Wow. This was amazing, and so very beautiful. I loved it. Especially, "The dreams trickle from the corners of her eyes.
She is not
crying."
Those lines made me feel, well, indescribable really. But they pulled a lot of emotion from me.
-
-
I have been writing about separation and love for a while now. The line you quoted had lived in a note book for over a year before it found a home. It actually inspiried this write. Love, Tom B.
-
-
Very well done, my friend!
A lot of this I could relate to! Wish you all the best of everything -
-
It is always good to hear from you. I am glad you could relate. That is kind of the goal of my Plain Jane poems.
Love, Tom B.
-
-
Hey Tomis.
Long time no see. I'm just putting a stamp here for now so you know that I read it and I'll come back before the judging is done to leave final thoughts , Etc. So glad that you decided to enter my friend. It's good to read good poetry in the morning.
Take care ,
James
-
-
Thanks
Always good to know I am a gift.
Love, Tom B.
-
-
Simply splendid, love the Plian Jane writes, I sometimes wish I were her......"her passion will be freed from the sand..." excellent to read! and visualize...
-
-
Plain Jane is all of the less than perfect women who have deserved poems written about them, just because they are perfect at the roots of their soul and the aliveness of their spirit where it counts. We discover when we leave our stinkin' thinkin' and listen to our souls that we are a perfect partner to God. Love, Tom B.
-
-
She has finally found a safe haven and a reason in this life to stay. In every travel Plain Jane finds more of her soul and more of it to give to another, now they just have to end up as one
Love, C
-
-
I have no idea where I am going with Plain Jane. Time will tell. Using a friends computer and internet link. Trying to catch up a little. Love, Tom B.
-
-
Um... "Her roots will provide."
and what color, pray tell, are they?
Three bunnies for this most wondrous write! Oh, what the hell, a hug too,.
-
-
God! a hug. I think I am man enough to handle it. The roots? Always showing. Everything is virtual. Love, Tom B.
-
-
It is sooo good to read you again.
This poem is enchanting...it has an
almost magical feel to it, at least,
for me it does. You have captured
something so alive with your words...
They breathe, and I breathe them in.
Love, Lane
-
-
I think it is full of magic. It is set in the place between dreams and reality where everything is possible. Thanks for being touched by the heart of this poem. Love, Tom B.
P.S. still trying to get my phone back. Borrowing a friends computer and link right now. Did you see the ASL metaphor in Plain Jane learns philosophy?
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 30 of 30
