I thought I was a normal girl,
Spinning through the wheels of time
On a high speed internet chase.
Telling my little, white lies when I had to,
Just to get by.
Falling in love,
And falling out three days later.
(There’s the door, and I’m walking out of it…right now.)
Seems like every time I fell,
My heart would fall out first.
But of course, that’s normal.
Living on sour candy story lines
And Domino’s pizza -
I never did like Spaghetti-O’s.
Then, baby, I found you.
Rather,
You found me.
‘Cause even though I like to cheat on love,
Love gets me every time.
A smooth talkin’ player like yourself…
You had it in for me;
And I loved the whole thing.
In love’s shadow,
Everything had a different hue.
When I heard you knocking on the door
I argued inside that I shouldn’t let you in again.
But I did…
Because that’s the way love is,
Right?
Then you did the math,
And crossed my heart out of the equation.
What a pity,
You still hadn’t fixed that damned lightbulb for me.
Instead, you broke it…
And walked away with a pocketful of pieces of my heart.
I told myself I didn’t care
And held a funeral for your kisses.
Your epitaph didn’t do you justice
They were just the writings of a ranting teenaged girl.
I thought it was good enough though;
Held my head up,
And kept walking.
But memories do funny things to you.
I’ve heard of them fading with time,
But mine just got stronger.
Maybe it was the song I heard over the record player,
The one that reminded you of your ex-girlfriend
(Two girls before you got to me).
Or it might have been the cookie cutter dreams,
Scripted like the break-up movies I would watch
On Valentine’s Day.
I felt nothing when I cried,
So I just stopped crying;
I discovered that pain feels better
When it comes out in blood
Instead of saltwater tears.
But blood baths don’t leave you feeling squeaky clean.
So I kept going,
Trying to empty my soul of the hurt.
Then someone introduced me to alcohol,
Said it would numb the pain.
Whiskey, rum, beer;
They became my new best friends.
It’s just so damned cute
When your friends are paid for with money,
Isn’t it?
Translucent liquids were so beautiful,
I could drink of death
And barely feel the sting.
Together, we could do anything;
Without them, I could do nothing.
But one day they turned on me,
Became my backstabbers.
So I walked out on them,
(Still holding the bottle, of course).
Scrambling around aimlessly
On the bottom of the world,
I tried to find an easy way to the top.
So I stuck that needle into my arm.
(It was my “get rich quick” idea, and it worked)
I had never felt so high before;
I climbed up Atlas,
To the very top of his globe.
I jumped and found myself flying.
But wait,
People can’t fly, can they?
Falling, falling,
I crashed to the bottom;
Lower than low.
Exhausted, but I was alive…
In the pits of hell, that is.
I found myself questioning my fate.
Have you ever held a knife
To your heart?
Felt the cold, threatening steel
Against your skin?
I felt it…every day.
Not to be cliché,
But death was knocking
(Knock, knock, knock)…
More like banging though.
Things will get better.
Things will get better.
Things will get better.
At least they would if you came back.
But this time, don’t come
To say you love me.
I'm holding this knife to my chest
So I can prepare myself for how it will feel
When you finally return;
I want to see your hands match those red tiles on my floor.
(Hurry back, darling.)
Author notes
OPTION 1: word bank...
time
white lies
there's the door
every time i fall, my heart falls out first
sour candy story lines
love gets me every time
in love's shadows
knocking
crossed my heart out of the equation
damned lightbulb
pocketful of pieces of my heart
funeral for your kisses
writings of a ranting teenaged girl
fading
record player
cookie cutter dreams
blood
translucent
drink of death
exhausted
questioning my fate
knock, knock, knock
red tiles
"Who shut off my electricity?"
A contest entry
- && [D o n ' t] I look pretty d y i n g? by LucyLightning.
500 points, ended May 8, 2007, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What does it mean to be ALONE? by WhenWillsCollide.
575 points, ended May 30, 2007, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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here I am, once again...
this poem is even more interesting after our conversation today... -
Have some well-deserved applause
Now that was a read. Quite a development from start to finish, obviously a lot of thought has gone into this. My favourite bit was:
"In love’s shadow,
Everything had a different hue.
When I heard you knocking on the door
I argued inside that I shouldn’t let you in again.
But I did…
Because that’s the way love is,
Right?"
If I had to pick something out as less than perfect, I would have to say the title of the poem doesn't quite give the right impression of the contents - but that's just personal nitpicking. This is the first poem I've read of this sort that doesn't ask for sympathy and it's all the more powerful for that. And a deliciously scary ending. Bravo. I look forward to reading more.
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i would have to say i love this part.
Falling, falling,
I crashed to the bottom;
Lower than low.
Exhausted, but I was alive…
In the pits of hell, that is.
I found myself questioning my fate
this poem is very good!i'd totally try 2 get it published or something!! good luck!
~amy~
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Intelligent
Beautifully written congrats thankful4theSunset this is so creative nad beautiful in many ways thanks 4 writing this piece is trully marvelous! Bravo -
lol, I'll keep it simple. just want to say congrats on getting gold, this poem definitly deserves it.
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everytime...
everytime I read this, it has the same sting/high/stab/kick-in-the-face as it did the first time i read it...I really missed this poem while i was gone to flordia...next time I'll have to print it so i can read it...
"what the hell is wrong with you?" i say that(outloud)everytime i read this poem...despite me knowing that nothing is wrong with you(well that may be arguable)...i just say it...it makes me feel better...
this poem is like a fantasy world that I actually enter when i read it...its so real...the cold congealed blood and the cold tiles...so beautifully wrong...it must of felt really really good to sick back at look at this after you wrote it...its the greatest masterpiece ever... -
wow.
at first when I began to read this, I was taken agahst by hte lenggth, but when it was nearly over, I was looking for more!
I really feel hte deep emotion in this and I believe aht you were writting form some where deep.... and the result is a great poem.
this is nnot your average "you loved me and left so now I cut, drink, and get high" poem, and its not cliche. I really think that you took something that has happened to many people many times a turned into your own thing. you dnt see poems like this anymore.. D;
I also feel that this piece flowed VERY well and athe use of spacing/ set-up was very affective. there isnt anything to comment negatively about on this piece
very well done... make sure you enter some other contest of mine sometime.,... when I make a new one that is -
WOW
This poem leaves me breathless.
I completely was enthralled in this.
I feel empty and full at the same time.
I don't even know where to begin...
I'll just say WOW and congratulations on GOLD.
Way to go!
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... holy crap!
k... so basically everything that needed to be said has already been said... so i can just sit back and get lost in this poem again... its incredible... i really like the intensity.. and the way it sounds like it comes from a mind that is completely random and obsessed....
k.. im not even going to try to analyze this.. its way above me...
nice
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no words can describe
It is just a wonderful poem. What else can you say? I love how you went about saying what you want to say. I wish you the best. Keep up the work and write more for people to read and good luck in the contest. I hope that you do well.
peace
~*maymay*~
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wow, this is incrediable! the way you wrote it with such explicit details. It was almost a song and made me sway a little. And the way the story goes, and the little side comments in parathesis. It was amazing!
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Interesting write here I bet a lot of girls feel that same way . Thank God they see the girl from within crying for the one still within knows she needs more time to find a real man not a boy playing games with a womans heart
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This is an excellent poem. I love the way you've managed to blend the narrative with the lyrical: it's a bit like storytelling, but zoomed-in on the emotions involved. I think the style works very well; it definitely keeps your audience interested until the very last word.
I really liked the following lines, in particular:
"In love's shadow/Everything had a different hue"
"I could drink of death/And barely feel the sting"
"I climbed up Atlas/To the very top of his globe"
All very intriguing and powerful. I also like the way you managed to achieve a sarcastic tone at certain points throughout the poem, in spite of the sadness of the topic and the story being told. There were a lot of places where you did this... for example, "But wait/People can't fly, can they?" Little sarcastic things like that show that you are not speaking from a self-righteous place, and you realize that you are in a bad way. While it is sad, the self-deprecation really does add to the poem. And the sarcasm also helps create a tone of resentment, which fits perfectly with what's taking place in the poem.
Very well-written poem. I'm glad I stumbled upon this.
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Wow this is great..i really like this alot.. awesomeness.. wow.... this is great wirte.. i enjoyed this alot.. wow Heather..
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Awesome, this is a fine piece, one of the best I have read in a long time, going straight into my bookmarks lol
You captured the emotions and your word structure was sublime, the metaphors were perfect... what more can one say.... congratulations on a brilliant piece
Karen
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i love you. lol. Effing amazing. Loved it. Yeah, you're awesome. Love it. YEAH! lol. && the fact that you never usually write about this && got your friends on here worrying about it, it gives you brownie points Good luck in the contest. lol.
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wow, girl, now you have me worried about what your doin' with your time all the way up there. i have to agree with brian and say bloody hell, that is the best and yet creepiest poem you have ever written. i love the power and emotion that build up and keep mounting. all of the images and emotion just build and build on top of each other. wow, this one has absolutely floored me.
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HOLY FREAKING COW!
im not sure what to say, haha. that was AMAZING! heartwrenching is the word that comes to mind, and it kept me on the edge of my seat! GREAT JOB!!!!!! =)
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ok, i had to check several times to make sure this was kristin writing....seriously, i was about to call you up and make sure you hadn't committed suicide untill i realized it was for a contest. this was so unlike you, but so facinating!! it was probably the best dark poem i've ever read. i'm not sure what you did, but the rhythm got faster and faster, and just kept my mind racing. i like how you started off with the image of a little girl, and then ended up with a ruined life. you told such a long story in a small about of space. this was fantastic. great job!
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I am speechless.... and if you knew me, you would knwo that that happens far and few between.... wow... I agree with cowboy... it was like I kept reading faster, and now my heart is beating in my mouth, and I'm choking on it. Excellent write.
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bloody hell...
I don't think i've ever read anything so damn provoking...This 'poem' had me hooked like nothing else from the beggining to that crash ending...it was like riding in a car, going faster and faster, and then just hitting a brick wall and dying...And I definitely don't think I've ever got such a huge andrenaline rush from any sort of writing before...At the end, my heart was pouding bloody murder and my ears were ringing, my breathing became extremely rapid...this was truly a wild ride! Such a very awesome wild ride! I don't think I'm ever going to recover from this poem...it was so damn amazing...every line, every single line, had me itching and crawling for more...Scary stuff too, it was so well written, i felt like I was feeling all of those emotions right on cue with every line. The chills kept rolling and rolling down my skin and they are still rolling...goose pimples...I let out a huge yell after I read this...the pressure was building and building the whole way through and then there at the end, I just couldn't take it anymore...This was truly an experience. It sucked the life out of me. I'm going to walk around the rest of the day just muttering 'damn.' Don't you ever write something like this again... AMAZING!!! 3 thumbs way up!!! This poem should win every award given to such creations...you know, I could just keep going on and on about this poem, but I really need to study now...But believe me, I will be back reading this again...many, many times! Its captured my thoughts, emotions, pains, and everything in between...ok, I need to stop now...with that I have one more thing to say: wow.
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