As morning sun doth chase the night
my eyes be opened to the light.
Away from darkness shall I flee
the dawn of day is now in sight.
From night of terrors I am free
the gods did answer humbled plea.
Demon of night did haunt my dream,
of drowning in a tawdry sea.
Visions follow unconscious theme,
submerged within a wicked scheme.
Tormented by the ghost of past,
with leering eyes of tortured gleam.
I cried out to be freed at last
from soul this kelpie, now be cast.
No more for me a lurid trap,
within an ocean cold and vast.
Transformed to creature of the day
engagement in night's seamy play~
forever banished from my way,
on narrowed straights I vow to stay.
Author notes
Frostian form
aaba, bbcb, ccdc, dded, ffff
First effort. Expanding horizons.
A contest entry
- Poetic Challenges by masterblaster.
451 points, ended May 24, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme Time by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended October 12, 2007, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyming Prompt Contest ... by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended December 24, 2007, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Hmmmm ....
this is not bad, but I've seen many of your poems I liked better. As I've said many times, using any form of the verb "to do" before another verb is verboten in modern English.
I was curious about "frostian form", never having heard the phrase before, so I Googled it. I found very little, but this bit was interesting:
"Post-rhetorical" is a weird phrase I came up with on the fly, and is probably a little confusing; what I meant by it was not the absence of all rhetorical techniques, but something like a refusal of capital-R Rhetoric, of grand statement even in folksy Frostian form. Far from seeing the post-rhetorical as a distinctive trait of new formalism, I'm thinking of it as something like a contemporary condition.
and this:
My point about Lowell wasn't that Lowell showed how formal verse is "always an expression of high culture," but that in fact Lowell's work helped create that idea for us in a very particular way (compare that to Frost, whose adherence to meter seems consciously and even flamboyantly provincial and "low" in comparison to the free-verse stylings of transatlantic modernism). Henry's right that the future use of any form is completely unpredictable; what isn't unpredictable is the past use of that form, its history, which guarantees that if a form does "make a comeback," it will never be precisely the same as it was before.
I have to say that I appreciate your bringing that to my attention, as I'd have never seen it if I hadn't Googled "frostian form".
Anyway, this is an interesting poem, but it doesn't work for me nearly as well as some of your other poems.
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ah, how I've missed you
"doth" seems dead---perhaps archaic for that 'steeped in history' vibe?
"kelpie" I'll have to look up...green and slimey comes to mind---"lurid" fits well, if that's the case
commanding
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hey sweets..thanks
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colorful tale
Tale of night to day with a touch that sparks as
old scrooges nightmare and shakespeare's bard..
I did indeed enjoy this imagery filled adventure into
the night's sleeper's realm...masterful weave..
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excellent~
This rhymn's and flows beautifully...
The imagery is excellent....
I started to boomark this but didn't know if she wanted a write about the pic or the words....
Best of luck in the contest...this is a winner in my book...also one of my first reads of yours I do hope you come visit me as well
Susan~~~
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Not bad ...
but I am not much for archaic English. In the last line, you mean "straits", not "straights".
All in all, though, it's not a bad write.
Thanks for entering and Happy Holidays. -
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No, actually I meant straights as in straight and narrow. I think of archaic language as being traditional, don't you? ...part of the "tool box"
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I think ...
we've had this conversation.
If you meant "straights" as in "straight and narrow", the meaning doesn't come across from reading the poem. The spelling I suggested works there, but that one doesn't, at least not to me.
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real nice
I love this -
wow!!!!!!!!
really done and beautiful work -
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Thanks
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Beautiful write...Don't have many bad dreams, but always look forward to the dawn of a new day...and the rise of the sun...
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Thanks, it's about the giving up of a destructive lifestyle.
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Very nice and spooky images, with a forceful rhythm and good rhymes. Too bad we cannot avoid nightmares by staying continually awake! Good luck in the contest.
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I haven't commented on this one yet...beautiful, you are extremely talented
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damn impressive
'specially for a first attempt...
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Wow
This is top notch. I wouldn't know whether the meter has been fixed or not but this is a superb poem. Flows and rhymes with ease and fluidity. It is truly hard to believe this is a first attempt. Excellent!
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I hate you! you & your first efforts...blahhhhh! Kidding of course, I love ya ya Lun! Seriously this is luvly, knew Deliverance would like the "doth" what "Quoth" wouldn't...seriously...its splendid, rolled off my tongue so easy..love that last stanza "Transformed to creature of the day
engagement in night's seamy play~
forever banished from my way,
on narrowed straights I vow to stay."
Leaves much to go hmmmmm about! HA! Good luck! Though thou dothnot need it!
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Wow, this is amazing.
In my opinion, it is better than the Robert Frost example.
This has more depth and much more imagery.
Frost's poems are too simple for my liking whereas this is thought provoking and challenging.
You must have corrected any metre problems because I read it as faultless, 8 syllables per line and a perfect rhyming pattern.
Have some much deserved clapping.
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Wow
Interesting as always. Good luck in the contest, Sis
Ephiphany
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Hi, please check your meter, many thanks,Di
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