Peace,
the broken silence
under dictation of democracy's
cold unhearing thumb.
Tranquility,
illusion of a smile
on the tired wrinkled face of
fading worlds,
Plastic cloak of makeup
disguise internal quickening;
the imminent descent of
the falling
stars
of
Hollywood.
Agreement,
a silence of those differed
cold compromise of happiness
oblivious of truth
facaded bliss.
Truth,
a salt pot in a tender wound
injury of erroneous
and a smug smile
for the victor.
Author notes
Written October 18th, 2005
revised 07 may 2007
please take a look in poem history, and tell me if you think it has improved
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
-
Stunning write using a wide range of expression and language. Shows a great depth in the feeling you are capably able to imprint on the reader. A flawless imaginative well wriiten piece of poetry well done!!
-
DO you really jhave to ask that question, your growth in poetry is clearly visible, I have just started reading your work and the current poems a really good, I also went back and read your first poem, you have true improved
This is a true beautiful poem, you have a nice wide vocabulary which serves you well
-
Wow, your vocabulary leaves me stunned. The format is flawless as well. I think the construction and the tone meshes well together. The short lines mixed with the longer ones I think really give the piece a quick-paced feel, and overall adds more assertion to your words and phrasing.
In my opinion this shows perfectly the moral discrepancy that society has now. Everything has become very superficial .
You start out strong and you finish just as strongly. Very nice job with this piece.
-
wow
you have improved i must say, but this piece is beautiful. I love the message written here, you did a wonderful job! Bravo!
*peace* -
Excellent
So very well expressed. Your words flow in such great verses.
-
WONDERFULLY WRITTEN!
This is lovely and expresses so much. If anything now you have found how to better and with more indepth feelings write your message for us to read.
-
I chose not to go to the old poem but to read this and comment on how this piece effected me
I believe you wrote a good piece, each stanza carrying strength and impact. I believe you made some very good points and your last stanza for me was awesome!
"Truth
a salt pot in a tender wound
injury of erroneous
and a
smug
smile
for
the
victor"
Truth does hurt sometimes and unfortunately when you are not the victor...that smug smile is the salt in that wound, but not truly the foundation of the hurt. Good work! My pleasure to read this evening ~Tia
-
Yes, it has improved, but I think you may have gone overboard with a few things in shortening. The short lines at the ending - what use it is to have a line as empty as saying 'for'? There are a number of those empty lines. I like 'under dictation of democracy's thumb', but I'd find another word for unhearing, something more thumb-like, if you see what I mean. I love the stanza about tranquility, that is the strongest. Good work and good luck in the contest.
-
very good writing. I appreciate the continued effort to improve upon. Be careful not to overwork it. Thanks for sharing. Peace and light always, Kendal
-
good
it really shows the world today which is sad when you think about it
-
Peace,
broken-hearted silence
under dictation of democracy's
cold
unhearing
thumb
Tranquility
illusion of a smile
on the tired wrinkled face of
fading worlds,
Plastic cloak of makeup
disguise internal quickening,
the imminent descent of
the falling
stars
of
Hollywood
Agreement
a silence of those differed
cold compromise of happiness
oblivious of truth
facaded
bliss
Truth
a salt pot in a tender wound
injury of erroneous
and a
smug
smile
for
the
victor
best part! [the whole thing]
i think it has improved a bit.
i like this better though. -
I like the flow of this poem, I did not see the 1st version. but this is good so it must be better
-
Sorry I cannot have a look at your other one, on a short time limit... but this in itself is a great poem with good flow and a solid foundation.
I enjoyed it much.
EMm -
I like the 2nd revision way way better and they're quite different. The first was much simpler and clearer but less interesting. The 2nd was deeper, had way more style (images etc.), and was much more captivating. I think it needs a better title though.
-
Wow!!
Powerful piece You have penned and this is certainly different then what I have inhaled in the past...
I notice a different presentation...
which is unique but also strong~
I know I change up with variety...but its what makes
You Happy~
Since Author's Comments revised..Do You have the before piece by chance?
Thank You for sharing this one
Many blessings to You!
Best wishes too
and much love~ Desire~*~
Adding your comment:
1 - 15 of 15
