there is no purpose
wilting
decayed like flesh on pavement
stench
polluting the mind with a promise
abstract moments
drifting
teasing the heart
on fire
fuel for the rage
that promotes the corpse
you
there is no you
in a sea of reality
that rapes the ego
searing the seeds from the fallen
tainted
molding beauty queens of tomorrow
this
is me
rotting
the desecrated carapace
of a soul forgotten
in the prosthetic dreams
of destiny and karma
but all your Hail Mary's
can't save the heroin addict
that swims in these veins
and tomorrow
teases the psyche
with alabaster lies
of forgiveness
And yet
I can taste the
blood that sacrifices
body for truth
but
slowly I'm dying
and this concrete tomb warms my bones
Author notes
I know, probably not anywhere close to what was wanted here. But, I feel better, that's what matters right?
A contest entry
- methadone & thistle ( to burn a poem ) by jaunty pill.
1800 points, ended May 9, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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This is quite an interesting presentation of your thoughts and ideas. You have done a great job here. Thank you for sharing and best wishes to you. Keep that pen handy dear poet. ~Midnight Lace
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you
there is no you
in a sea of reality
that rapes the ego
searing the seeds from the fallen
tainted
molding beauty queens of tomorrow
This piece of poetry brought tears to my eyes...
This is so very deep-
you painted an image so deep and so overwhelming I had chills from line one to the very end.
Wonderful job**
By far, one of the best pieces of poetry I've read!
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"abstract moments
drifting
teasing the heart
on fire
fuel for the rage
that promotes the corpse"
Beautiful, your use of language and placement is really superb. It is unusual to find someone break apart a phrase delicately, but still with eloquence.
'slowly I'm dying
and this concrete tomb warms my bones'
To end this poem this way, was perfect, I would not have changed it in the least, you really left a question, but you gave an answer as well, I like this.
Your imagery is also really lovely, this poem was amazing. Thank you for sharing it.
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Vivid imagery. You've expressed you're emotions with depth and passion. And it is so true, if you feel better after releasing your thoughts on paper, than whose to criticize! Great work.
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but
slowly I'm dying
and this concrete tomb warms my bones
well you made me to think about the bitter truths of life and the way you have revealed the story of the heart that is just a stigma of life..I loved the reality of the statements given in this write...This is a look to the self and touches the pain of the life. ..well done..
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ha. I like this. It was a most enjoyable read. I did find it to be a little... strange. I found it to be confusing, really. A slight bit. It is as if you are only hinting at something that the reader does not know of. If i were you, and i were to write a poem for others to read, i would certainly explain myself better. I suppose it could just be me being thick headed, though. I enjoyed and you're right; Feeling better is the part that matters. Enjoy.
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brutally honest and well worded. my favorite line was "the sea of reality/that rapes the ego" extremely well done. i'm bookmarking this. it's one of the few peices of actual artisic value i've found on this damned site.
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Hey long time no see, I doubt if you remember me. Anyway you said that you were in a literary dry spot but this seems as good as I remember. Keep it up. You keep me inspired.
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fresh and new...quite original in a way that I wasn't expecting...thank you for sharing this...good luck. peace and light, Kendal
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The only really critical thing I have left to say is that you used "soul" four times.
As for the changes, nothing stands out that disrupts the piece anymore.
Talk to you when I get up.
love to you,
James
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Well, last time, you better not find anything else... cuz I'm going to be at the hospital and it won't do me any good. Hehe, just teasing, but you know what I mean. *hugs tight* Always glad for the feedback, and I do believe this is the first time I've listened... maybe I should do so more often.
Much love,
Jessica
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You are far too harsh on your own work , Love.
Now I'm not a big fan of " ing " words...But you know what...With consideration , They do appear continuously , And I can tell that they were chosen to be where they are...So that is a nice thing to see. Most just throw them in all over the place with no purpose.
The fifth and sixth stanza's are where you hit your stride. That's the vintage Jessica that I am familiar with on the site. The imagery is top-notch and the way in which it plays around with imagery is intense and terribly effective. Not terribly in a bad way , Just painful to endure. The emotions are jagged and quite visual...Lovely use of words as well. Even for something so cutting.
My only real critique , Other than the fact I think some of the " ing's " might need to be scratched , Is that the little fourth stanza seems only to be in the poem to tie things together...It doesn't seem as effective on a whole as the rest of the poem. It could merely be because I am reading this from a different perspective or it could be that I am not seeing things in the same light...I'll bring it to your attention and you can decide. But I truly think it could be cut out completely or worked in somewhere else in the poem , Expanded on maybe.
I am glad to see that you could enter my contest and I am proud to say that you dear are getting better. Feel free to make any changes , Etc during the contest and before it's closed. You can always IM me to tell me to come back and check a change , Etc.
Quite lovely and this is my honest truth. Trust me , I'm not just saying these things to butter you up girl. Good poetry all in all.
Always love ,
James
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Hey fella, Thanx, but, I fixed it, at least a little bit. As always I love your comments, even if it doesn't completely sound like I wanted.
Much love,
Jessica
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