Surplus emotions cascade
from jaded, disconsolate eyes which,
unconvinced of their worth,
question the mind viciously.
The mind cannot arbitrate guarded heart's
struggle with bitter conscience
over matters of right and wrong;
it is troubled, unsure,
and above all,
untrusting.
Author notes
Yay for personification.
There's a reference to something in here, but I can't remember what it is anymore.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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No, yay for one of my favorite writers =P
Oooh. I love, no...I adore the flow in the first stanza. It's just so smooth. You can take the lines as pieces or combine them as one, into a long sentence. I love it. It's fragments that fit together.
I think another reason I love it is because of the contrast--delicate words against sharp, harsher ones. "disconsolate eyes" against "vicious"--its just this great blade-like contrast, its got this breakable but durable feel to it.
And then, I -love- the first line of the second stanza. Standing alone, it could be a hint at the truth of everything, and combined with the rest, its like a confession, a self-possessed knowledge of one's self.
I say that you could leave this as is, or add more to it. I think it would be good either way (it is good as is).
Also, I dont know why, but there's this image that I get from this poem...kind of like the flicker of wings. I dont know if its the idea of a struggle, like trying to fight, beating wings to escape, or what. But...its there, and I thought I would share.
Hmm. Sometimes, when I read what you write, I want to stop writing. lol. You, however, should never stop.
~blessings~
~rora
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I always enjoy creating a lot of contrasts in my poetry. Between words, between styles, between ideas, whatever. There is verbal contrast (disconsolate/vicious, as you said) and stylistic in this. The first stanza is very lyrical and image-based, while the second is more of a philosophical statement that ties into the image. I like writing in that way. It just makes sense to me.
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