All of the worlds squalor,
circles my crown with expiring flies
I plummet to the bottom of existence,
with one or two breaths and flaming eyes
Hunting down the reason and the rhyme
Realizing the root of despair isn't corruption,
But the denial of its existence is the true crime
Under rubble, the bottles, the wire,
lives sweltering insensibility
And a hate that will never tire
Unspeakable suffering reigns...
and I rise
Sometimes unable to differentiate from,
indefinable truths and accepted lies
All of the worlds grievances,
consume my supple soul
Encompassed by emotion...
Because there is no other loophole
A contest entry
- Stream Of Consciousness by polly filla.
525 points, ended May 18, 2007, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
ANY THOUGHTS???????????????????????????
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
I really like "supple soul" and "hunting down the reason and the rhyme"
I agree, nice rhyming, it's not obvious
If this is your stream of consciousness then it seems dark and somewhat hopeles -
Creatress right now
Adding your comment:
i found this to be very deep and thought provoking. not wanting to be like everyone else but i think my favorite lines were,"Realizing the root of despair isn't corruption, But the denial of its existence is the true crime" AND "Sometimes unable to differentiate from, indefinable truths and accepted lies" i guess the last line just tied this up in a neat little bundle. i have read some of the comments you get and i still say, your punctuation is what makes the poem yours as well as the thoughts presented in the poem and besides that, a stream of conciousness doesn't even have to have proper punctuation, wherever your thoughts begin and end is in your mind, not the readers as they are not thinking them in a Stream type write. this is a well deserved trophy winner
be well and be blessed
-
well done for winning the bronze! I really like how there's an aphorism tucked away in this
"Realizing the root of despair isn't corruption,
But the denial of its existence"
bravo! -
Let me just say, amazing poem, and matches the background perfectly. I am not generally a fan of rhyme but this one was so well done...
Clap, clap, clap...
Lizzy
-
wow this is amazing i love your vocabulary its great....wow, clappy hands for you
-
! the first thing i saw when i clicked this was your AMAZING background! i love it!
oOoOoOo...I LOVE IT!
'I plummet to the bottom of existence,
with one or two breaths and flaming eyes'
these are my favorite, gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous. your whole poem is amazing. i love the feel and your tone! this is amazing, awesome write!
-
Insightful
Interesting write to say the least. I can see that alot of thought went into this poem, and it was worth it. I enjoyed your use of imagery, especially the "flaming eyes" and "I rise". Definatly fits the theme of "Stream of Consciousness" Good luck in the contest, and keep writing.
-
wonderfully dark
beautifully put together thoughts... quite well done
-
Very Well Written
This was fantastic, if a bit too 'intellectual' for me! I wear my heart on my sleeve, and write as such, but I understand your words and the power that they hold. This was deep and disturbing at the same time, which is okay, poetry should provoke. I didn't find the background distracting at all. Beautiful, sad and deep. Well done.
***Rae*** -
I'm not sure what the poem refers to and I found the background a bit distracting.. However I really enjoyed this.. Especially the ending line which for me at least really tied the poem together..
-
hmmm
im not reall sure what this poem is about but i began to picture a disater area like a city attacked, hmm maybe a scene in 28 days later? And then i saw some one riseing up from the ash to lead the people. it was great and you used quite powerfull words
-
Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it and as any good lawyer will tell you, ther eis always a loophole,the trick is finding the one you need to use! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors.
Hetohke'e 
-
I do very much like the "stream of conciousness" flow you have accomplished by this poem. It actually felt that the words came as steadily to you in the writing as much as it is in the reading.
My own real critique might be might be what feels to be the overuse of commas and what feels very little, if anything, of periods in the way of punctuation. I think if you read this aloud for yourself you'll sense where to take breath for a comma or period or none at all, but right now without any period AND stanza breaks, aloud reading makes it feel breathless and rushed...
Best wishes to you in the contest!
Jo -
Whew! This is a rather intense read! A very fitting poem to be in a stream of consciousness contest as this is a 'cerebral' write to say the very least. "Realizing the root of despair isn't corruption, But the denial of its existence is the true crime" I found this to be stimulating, thought provoking, accurate as to the state of the world...and an amazing glimpse into your minds eye. Thank you for the journey.
-
i like this.
"circles my crown with expiring flies"
i had to read it a second time to relize there was some rhyme. which is good because it flows so perfectly.
-
a beautiful flow. A wander through your thoughts.
'consume my supple soul' is brilliant. I liked the 'and I rise' too, because it pauses everything, before you relaunch again.
Great! Thanks for entering your stream of conscousness
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
