Jutting out
From amidst the rolling rapids,
Whose years rush against
Its shimmering, solemn face,
It remains
Erect, though fallen from
Some close, unsettled peak,
Or erupted from the torrid river floor.
Author notes
self-portrait, stone viewed on a train ride from Kentucky through the mountains of West Virginia
In a list
A contest entry
- Vertical Branches by grassisgreener.
525 points, ended May 20, 2007, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "Gold" this time by Virgoan.
550 points, ended June 6, 2007, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-write Party 4 by DancingRed.
300 points, ended October 1, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. Any suggestions?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I really like when people write personality into inanimate objects. That is how my mind works a lot. Love this piece.
Carrie
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I have always wanted to ride a train. Now i wish to ride the one you did. I love that part of the country.
Thanks for the preview.
Joe
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Thank you for the Author notes. Without them, the piece reverbed with jagged imagery from which I imagined some fallen mountain mass. So, you had easily painted the picture in my mind's eye then brought it home in the notes. What struck me about this (I re-read it 3 times) is that nature has such a pull on us when we listen to it. You put me in the frame of mind of my rides on the Metro-North trains (on the Hudson) to and from New York. I wasn't writing anything then but my mind stored its imagery and you just released some of it back to me in a sense.
AsIThink...
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Ah yes, a beautiful nature scene that captures human emotions with metaphor. I really like the simple 'or' concept in the last line.
Perhaps the lines could have started with lowercase letters as not to hinder the flow there.
Also, in the first line I feel the words 'amidst' and 'the' are a little redundant. Maybe 'jutting out from rolling rapids' would be just as powerful, if not more. 'It' is a fairly inhuman, emotionless word - perhaps the rock could be transformed into a he, she or even me.
Thanks for entering.
DancingRed.
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Excellent
Very well done. So creative. Congrats on you silver.
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Excellent~
I like how the imagery captivates the reader,
making the content easier to grasp..
Nice flow, and very poetic!
Keep up the wonderful works...
-Timothy aka poeticweaver~
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Superb. I was pleased with the firm image and inspiration of the poem, even more when your notes spoke about its inspiration. I enjoy knowing where poet's get their ideas from, and it somehow adds something to the poems worth knowing it was inspired by experience. It was just the right length for the idea presented. Great!
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Short and precise.
Whose years rush against
Its shimmering, solemn face,
Wonderful lines.
Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best in the contest. Keep writing my friend.
~VIRGOAN~
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Gowrsh. I just love that memory of that part of the world. Clear water creeks; Rocky Hills that just beg to be climbed. Enjoyed visiting your stuff...later
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I'm sorry, I have no criticism. This poem can be taken literally or metaphorically and it is still fantastic. This is a poem that sounds perfect out loud.
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This was a good nature poem. I liked the use of description here. The alliteration, for example, 'rolling rapids' was good too. Good luck in the contest
Pozo
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