While contemplating in the sun
I saw a vision quite surreal
of man and beast becoming one
which words alone cannot reveal.
I saw a vision quite surreal
my patience spent, my mind ablaze
which words alone can not reveal
as nights were lightened into days.
My patience spent, my mind ablaze
I forced my eyes to watch the stars
as nights were lightened into days
and sounds were drowned by screaming cars.
I forced my eyes to watch the stars,
their echoes reaching past the night
and sounds were drowned by screaming cars;
they play upon a man’s delight.
Their echoes reaching past the night
the church bells peal with whims unknown.
They play upon a man’s delight
and leave me standing here alone.
The church bells peal with whims unknown
of man and beast becoming one
and leave me standing here alone
while contemplating in the sun.
Author notes
just a try at a pantoum because i absolutely love this form. ^_^
a koan is a phrase zen buddhists use when in contemplation and prayer. its something surreal, like "how is a duck?" but the answer is never clear. in one story, a teacher asked his three students a koan like "how is a duck?".
the first one said "a duck is like a tree...". the teacher sighed and shook his head.
the second student said "violets." the teacher nodded and muttered, "not bad, not bad."
the third student said nothing, but took his sandal off, put it on top of his head, and walked out of the room. the teacher smiled brightly and said "now HE understands."
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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ooo, i notice an abab pattern. i admire how you do a pantoun. i find it hard to write pantouns or structured poetry. here, it's flowing quite nicely. church bells can be many things. it can be catholic bells, church bells by a school.. or background music.. etc.
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i have trouble with structures too, but for some reason the pantoum is more freeing to me (?) because of the repetition. and it works, if you mke the structure of your phrases somewhat consistent. and how each new stanza changes the meaning of the phrases that appeared in the last stanza...its pretty cool.
ps - i love catholic church bells. they show up a lot in my work. probably because they show up a lot in my head.
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I really like this. (and that's a cute story) I'd never actually heard of that form before. But it's really interesting. Is there a specific pattern to how you cycle and repeat the lines?
And you say that you're no good at rhyming. This is brilliant. I tend to not care for rhyming in general, but you do it very well.
Anyway, I really like this. And I miss you much, as I'm sure you know.
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thanks dear. ^_^ its rare that i rhyme well. but this form...omg i love it so much. basically, you write phrases and the basic form is this:
A1B1A2B2 B1C1B2C2 C1D1C2D2 [however many times you want ending with] Y1A2Y2A1
its a great form i think. ^_^
i miss you too. and isn't that story adorable? i still remember that from asian thought. i always thought it was the cutest thing. its something i can totally picture myself doing if i were in a buddhist monestary.
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Wow.. Talk about thought provoking.. I really really got into this one as I stood in a field with visions going around me as they melted into one another to form the begining to which the imagry all began.. Wow.. I am speechless.. This was breath-takingly amazing..
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thank you. you konw this form could get me back into writing form poetry again. i always felt restricted by it, but there is something very beautiful about the repetition in this form. its beautiful. and thank you so much dear. ^_^
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That is kewl.. I enjoy your work allot..
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