Sacrifice my bloody veins
And place them under your whip of hate
To rip away my tender skin
My disease is your adieu
And shreded guts come out to get you- Sacrifice
Author notes
I wasnt exactly inspired for this, but I like to write me
A contest entry
- ~~~MAKE ME HURT~~~ by phoenixonfire.
300 points, ended May 7, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Not going to become a favorite, though I appreciate the brevity and the intensity within it... a short stab.
Unfortunately, the imagery doesn't work well for me. "bloody veins" is redundant, but whipping veins is a weird image... a bull whip into a pile a string... usually you whip more solid things. Also, you don't whip veins (at least in a material sense) to tear away skin, you whip skin which lays bare the veins. That could be corrected by simply deleting "To". Or, if you mean that your disease is an adieu in order to tear away the skin, then a period after hate would work.
"My disease is your adieu" is a nice, even pretty, line. You don't give a context for disease, but it might not be neccesary... I'm just unclear how it relates to the other imagery. "Shredded guts" coming out to get me seems almost comical when I visualize it. The use of rhyme is not bad... it creates a rounded finale; but the visualization made this less impactful for me.
You're working a single strong image into a brief bloom of emotion. That can work well, but I think firming it up, keeping the image straight so that people see it as they read it, would make it even more effective.
B -
"And place them under your whip of hate" I liked this a bunch, It shows what somebody can do forcefully.
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Very well done!!
Some spelling errors:
shreded...rip....veins...
Thanks for entering and good luck!!
preets
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