You photograph well. At least in memories-
They all capture you,
With your harsh, rugged features offering
A jarring juxtaposition
With the softness of the background-
Oh love, there are pendulous threads
Hanging on the weeping willow-
Severed threads, the picture is unweaving,
And as the sun sinks beneath the horizon,
It is unraveled.
The pillars of light collapse-
I am folding, again and again.
We are all comprised of paper.
Origami is an artform, and you the artist-
You excel, with a pleased glint in your eye-
And your hand, soft as silk
Against my skin.
I am pliable and yielding.
But you photograph well. At least in memories-
I am helpless to resist your charm.
It is only an echo. It is only a silhouette.
But it is aesthetically pleasing.
And as the sun sets,
I am unraveled further, left with only
Your photographs.
Author notes
Not bad for me bein 13 eh?? . Okay, so it's not that good but I have to say it might actually be one of my faves. Not sure why though...
A contest entry
- Power, Placement, Perspective by JM Kenyon.
900 points, ended May 11, 2007, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Nicely written. Very fluid write and some really wonderful figures of speech. *hug*s and best wishes always... ~Genie~
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wow! this is really good! i liked it
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well most girls\ve photographic memories indeed n it gives guys hard times remembering all their mistakes lol nice write
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thanks so much for the comment!!
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I really like the layout of this poem, it flows very well... I like the third stanza the most... You have worded this very well.. you show a great gift for writing, well done!!!
peace, love and light always
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thank you so much for the comment!!
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very awesome. When I read it, i thought you were atleast 16, im 13 myself,lol. The first line really caought my attention. In total, it's an awesome poem.
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that is one of the better first lines/main lines i've seen yet. great job
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thank ya so much for the comment!!
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Wow, you did an exelent job. This is very well writen. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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thanks so much for the comment!!
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Wow, this is awesome. I really think you have a lot of talent,and it is time to share it with the world. Let me read some others when you have written them. I loved this one. It is very well- written. I think you are a natural. You should continue writing. Thanks for sharing this with me. Please let me know of further works. I am just amazed. Take care and keep penning my friend. You have a lot to offer.
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thank you so much for your comment!!
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Forgot to applaud.
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Huh! I would have placed you as much older. Most 13-year-olds can't spell "aesthetically", let alone use it in a sentence.
I like the refrain (first line of stanza 1 and first line of stanza 4). It's got this subtle "aside" feel to it. Then you build up with the romantic lyric, and it creates a nice--to borrow a phrase--juxtaposition.
I like the photograph and oragamy images. Very good use (maybe he folds the photo?)
Couple of lines that were a little bit sappy to my taste, but I can't fault you for enthusiasm. Try playing around with this more. Cut anything that doesn't feel right, and play even more with your surreal imagery. This is really good, no matter what your age. You will definitely develop as a poet if you keep working at it.
Cheers,
Yossarian
PS: I have to second the line about writing crap poems when I was young. But I didn't get a clue until I was 18. Consider yourself very lucky that you're on the right track! : ) -
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thanks a lot for the comment and for the suggestions, i'll definitely try it!!
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Best poem I've read all day (shh don't tell the others;))
Wow! You're 13? I was going to say it was good anyway so I'll just ignore your age so as not to be patronising
I liked the use of alliteration and repetition here. This was a very powerful piece with good wording. I loved the way you presented this, it was very gripping
Pozo
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yep, I'm 13, a few weeks away from bein 14...anyways, thank you so much for the comment!!
And don't worry...I won't el the others...unless they ask 
)
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This really is an amazing poem. It is so well written. I love it. :
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thank ya for the comment!!
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WOWWWW.
Ummm....can you say wow? I'm 15 and I am awed by this poem. Have you ever read the Ariel poems by Syvlia Plath? This completely reminds me of them, especially the poems "Tulips" and "Death & Co". That's a gigantic compliment, coming from me *points to my username* lol. Your vocabulary is quite impressive for a 13 year old. At 13 I was writing completely obvious, superficial poems. But not you! You should definately enter this into contests.
OK, enough raving from me! *shuts up*
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Actually Sylvia Plath is like my alltime favorite poet ever and I probably read waaaaay too much of her but I don't care lol. Anyways, thank ya so much for your comment!
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unbelievably well written for anyone, 13 or not. the whole third stanza is fantastic. so much talent from someone so young, keep writing, as youll only get better.
[itsuka ushinatte shimau no kana] red
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Thank you so much for the comment I hope I get better...maybe even good enough to get published one day...that'd be freakin awesome ya know. Anyways thanks again!
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very good erite here I like the emotion in it I think it shows a promise of good writes in the future keep up the good work
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thank ya so much for the comment!!
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