She thinks about him everyday,
Her love for him, she can't convey
He's her star in the night;
A fire burning forever bright
He doesn't even give her the time of day,
She hates that he doesn't feel the same way
Doesn't he see that she loves him?
This battle of agony, she'll never win
Swept away like fragments of dust
Is this love or is it fabricated lust?
She's going numb and her heart is dying
His hatred for her leaves her sighing
"Will he ever love me?", she asks herself
She feels so alone, like a doll on a shelf
This heartache is consuming her soul
All that's left of her heart is a hole
She takes a walk up to her favourite hill,
A bittersweet death, she'll certainly fulfill
Around her neck is a heart shaped locket,
She removes a blade from her back pocket
She carves 'I love you' onto her soft skin;
Releasing her guilt and shame from within
Her blood is now cascading;
Whilst she is still fading
With her blood she leaves a note,
To let everyone know he's her antidote
"Goodbye, my love, I will always love you,
Oh, if only you felt the same way too"
She drowns herself without a sound
The bloody note remains on the ground
She is now a forsaken memory,
At least she's now free
~*~
I love her but I don't think she loves me
I'd cross the ocean just to make her see
She's always alone, shutting me out;
His mind is filled with self doubt
I'd give the world for just one embrace;
Making sure there's always a smile on her face
I would kiss away all of her fears;
Whisper 'I've loved you for all these years'
She is my dream come true
I wish she loved me too
Time soon takes it's toll;
Leaving just an empty soul
Looking into the mirror, shattering the glass
He whispers to himself, 'I wish the pain would pass'
A clean swipe across his vein;
Numbing all of the silent pain
He falls asleep, never to awake again
Not having her, drove him insane
His body was cold to the touch
If only he knew she loved him so much
~*~
Their life is over before it even begun
They loved each other and died as one
Secrets were kept and they never had a chance
This is the saddened story of a tragic romance
Author notes
Option Six: Give me your best prewrite
A contest entry
- ANYTHING! by Beating.
1300 points, ended September 13, 2007, 103 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~WHATEVER YOU WANT !!!!*~*~*~*~PRE-WRITES ALLOWED*~*~* 25 ENTRIES!!!!~*~*~*~*~*~IF YOU HAVE WON A TROPHY FOR I BEFORE D O N T ENTER IT!!!!!*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ by xxlisajazminexx.
375 points, ended September 30, 2007, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options Contest by fairytalelovestory.
340 points, ended January 11, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ~ SET the BAR ~ Anything Goes~ Possible of 5750 points handed out! by Florida Sunshine.
950 points, ended February 24, 2008, 182 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Absolute Best Prewrite by Heavens Child.
800 points, ended April 25, 2008, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Very Best!!!!!--contestant vote by TabbyCat.
600 points, ended May 8, 2008, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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OMG.....Again
Anne you are AWESOME, again another great poem and I love how u split it showing it from both of their views, I can just seeing something like this on tv or a film
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OMG... GOLD!
nothin else to add (a modern day romeo and juliet) -
A very moving and tragic love story for sure...love the way it looks at both sides and then comes together in the end...wonderfully written...
Best to you in the contest! -
I loved the way these two stories intertwine. It is sad, bt also shows the folly of suicide for love...especially when you aren't even sure what the other person is feeling!
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An enjoyable read, a tragic story. Well done. Thank you for your entry in my contest.
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wow ~ this is really outstanding ~ from start to finish ~ you had me through and through ~ the rhyme and meter ~ i especially thought was well done ~
Thanks for entering the "Set the Bar" contest ~ I really appreciate you sharing your work with me ~ best of luck to you!
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a tragic poem but written beautifully!!!! i loved this poem! i wish you the best of luck in the contest!
NineTailedFox -
it's always tragic when you love someone, but don't know if they feel the same way.
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Thank you for sharing this
Reminds me sort of Romeo and Juliet like
A fine sharing; I wish you the best of luck -
It could come to a better end, if not a stickier one.
OK. Got this far before I comment:
Releasing her guilt and shame from within
Her blood is now cascading
Why? Well, because the natural flow has that ingenue poetic rhythm-rhyme combo that I know of old, that grows, as snows pile in winter, that the poet win to heights untold, and they be bold to refine technique.
Counting syllables per line, the first thing I did.
Soon did I rid myself of idea that such were near the mind of the conceiver of the pice, for 8/8/6/8 then 10 at least did no to the know good of the creation.
And as one reads on, one finds faltering, as the poet's mind stutters, as utters ideas in phrases and spurts which fail to fulfill in a way whioch hurts the gestation's outflow, as lochs and wiers which let tugs go to the market or sea, although they be good to regulate flow, so is technique which ev'ry poet know eventually, intrinsically, musically, choose as they see fit to bend and break rules, their tools by right of effort and dint of experience, on the highway Byron and Shelley, and even me (smelly albeit, having not come down in the last shower...ahhh, but back to your flower of youth tale...)
One might suggest it best to have writ "Her blood cascading now", suggesting both the release and emphasising the 'now'. A period or simply a clean break (!) in place of a semi-colon then (applause on the use of punctuation, and the natural talent displayed), would allow one to remove the '-st' and be more usual, if less ambientical (sic), saying 'while'. Thus:
Releasing her guilt and shame from within
Her blood cascading now*
While she is still fading
With her blood she leaves a note,
* There is a skip in the run of the reading: this suits the story here, and it is not a 'loch' but more a running through a rapids of rocks. Form follows function applies in poetry as it may elsewhere.
OK: She drowns herself: how? She is on top of a hill. No well or stream is mentioned. Ipso facto, did she hold her wrist above her face, and ace it like The Last Wave (a 70s Peter Wier film). ?
I can see: the lack of expressed understanding ending in dual tragedy. But I am sufficiently hooked to have wanted to look further and find out.
~*~
'began' preferred to 'begun' : reading a piece to yourself aloud gives a greater sense a what it will convey even to the silent reader. Slow as possible without being losing sense of meaning is one way, or at a natural pace buoyed by the words and tongue as eyes run over the page/screen.
? If this is the saddened version, how about trying the happy version of the same events???
Good Work,
Master Anarchy.
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Their life is over before it even begun
They loved each other and died as one
Secrets were kept and they never had a chance
This is the saddened story of a tragic romance
Well you wrote this story of heart like a piece of the preface of your tears falling on the ground..every word is a sound like tears..I can see the anguish and its depth in the every word revealing
the story of the heart ..I love this piece..you are truly honest and amazing while descring the story of two lovers..well done...
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"He doesn't even give her the time of day,"
I do not feel that "even" is necessary in this line. When reading, I felt it would have read better as:
"He doesn't give her the time of day,"
Wouldn't the last lines of every verse have a period at the end, and not be open as for the reader to believe that's an enjambment of the
next verse? Because none of the last lines read as enjambments of the first line in the verse that follows.
"She removes a blade from her back pocket"
This line seemed a tad weak, perhaps even forced to make the rhyme. Just an opinion.
"Releasing her guilt and shame from within
Her blood is now cascading;"
Again, shouldn't there be punctuation at the end of the first line. It doesn't read as an enjambment of the next line. I mention mainly because you use punctuation throughout the piece yet in some lines you do not.
Doesn't seem to make too much sense, to me.
The 4th verse is also a good example. You use quotations, a question mark, even commas yet at the end of each line, there's nothing.
"To let everyone know he's her antidote"
This also seemed like a weak line, not in the carry-through but in the rhyme.
"His mind is filled with self doubt"
If this line is of her speaking as you (or the character if you're narrating) then I feel you should indicate that. If italics isn't optional then perhaps
single quotation marks.
It's a story that's been written many times, going back to the original "The Tragicall History of Romeus and Juliet" by Arthur Bro[o]ke; which is what Shakespeare received his inspiration to write "Romeo & Juliet".
Your story is not original, by any means. There are ways to make it original, but the way you've written it, just doesn't seem to pull it off too well. Not that what you wrote wasn't good for its particular accord, but, it could have been better, in my opinion.
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i loved this
crafted beautifully...............
her feeelings and emotions ... then his .....
then thier ending together....
alot of heart breaks end with unspoken words its true.
in my final list !!!!!!!!!!!!
thank you for your breathtaking heart tugging entry! -
wow what a kl write full of emotion
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oh wow. This is just such an amazing poem, I'm sitting here just left in awe. I love how you devided both their sides of the story and then ended with the sort of objectiv point of view. The two last lines are really strong because of the rhyming, and I love that. Such an amazing write!
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Extremely deep and expressive this is!
Well done!
How tragic
Thank you for sharing and for being a part of the contest -
Swept away like fragments of dust
Is this love or is it fabricated lust?
this is good it sounds a lot like a chain letter tho thnx for enterin
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I am in awe over the images and the emotions conveyed in this poem. I like that you chose a rhyme scheme to present it as well, however, I would like to suggest you take a relook at your meter because there are a few rough patches, mostly in the beginning, that really caught my eye anyway. Well done!
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Speechless!
*Closes gob*. Wow that was amazing i was on the edge of my seat reading this. The wording was superb and the emotions were like a rollercoaster. So amazing. I agree with jem this is perfection in itself. a truelly amazing piece of poetry.
BRAVO!!!!!
keep writing at this standard and you will shine brighter than anyone else. im spotlighting this and im bookmarking it.
keep writing and i will read
kelbornro
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*cries*
this is amazing anne!!! bravo!
really made me think, and seeing this story from both sides was very effective, such inncent love lost forever.
it made me think, and made me realise, just how much i truely do love scott!
this is amazing and it is just... wow! im sorry im speechless, its amazing!!
loved it soo much!!!!!!!!!
your a brilliant writer hunni keep writing like this and you will soar high
keep writing hunni
loveage
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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that was just simply stunning it really was, theres not many poems which will make me literally speachless so i am having to try really hard to criticise like i usually do, you should be really impressed not many poems have done this
You have a amazing flow a few bits i struggled at but you compensated well, the rhymeing is good a few parts don't work and a few sound forced but the thoughts of both people before they died is stunning and i can actually relate to the boy's about ru as i did almost do the same but thats not something i want to talk about lol It reminds me a lot of romeo and juliet except so much better, So much imagery is in this and creates a really powerful image and emotion running through the poem, The title works for the poem stunningly it really does and the ending for the two parts is fantastic, i will admit i got a bit confused when it went to the boys part as although you have split the sections it took a while for me to realise what was going on, i have no idea on how you could improve this poem i really don't you have written a perfect piece of art you should be really happy. Sorry for the mini essay but the poem deserves it all WELL DONE ANNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do keep writing especially after this one (times the applause by 3)
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Deep
This poem is a very deep, a tragic story of two lovers who's destinys never intertwined. I had some trouble with the catching the entire flow, a trouble I have even in my poems. But it was still very good and I enjoyed it very much! Your poem was very imaginative and I hope you get much good feed back on it! Good job.
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