My Castle In The Air
My castle in the air
Is no gaudy affair
It is not very tall
And has no gold at all.
The castle of my dreams
Is simple, it seems:
It has windows and doors
And carpeted floors.
My castle in the air
Has a comfortable chair
In which I can read,
Curled up, yes indeed!
The castle of my dreams
Dances with sunbeams
And hums through the night
Of silver moonlight.
My castle in the air
Is especially fair
For there love abides,
Unchanging with tides.
The castle of my dreams:
There loyalty gleams
And courage and strength
Are of infinite length.
My castle in the air
I hereby declare
Will warmly receive
All who suffer and grieve.
The castle of my dreams
Eclipses regimes
For its values last
By time unsurpassed.
Please tell me what you think.... I want to improve, so I need all the help I can get. I appreciate it!
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I think most of the desires that you mentioned in your "Castle of dreams" is quite reasonable and achievable. They are not of a grand scheme, but quite practical.
Most of them are my dreams to, and though vastly older than you, I'm only realizing what my dreams actually are now. Ok, so I'm a slow learner.
May you find that castle, and may it be on solid ground!
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I still say it is a very 'raw' piece, and I've never been diligent enough to go back to it and re-finish it; but what it says is from the heart.
Thanks for all your reading and reviewing... it's very encouraging! Thanks for the well-wishes, too; and the same to you! -
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You are like me. I have lots of poems I know I should work on but can't seem to find the desire.
Welcome.
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Thank you!
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Promise...sing
With Spanish more familiar as a medium of expression than English this composition holds promise and reflect ideals which deserve attention
Without criticizing the sentiments expressed therein the stanza :
The castle of my dreams:
There loyalty gleams
And courage and strength
Are of infinite length
could perhaps be tightened - at its simples this implies
And courage and strength be replaced by There courage and strength
while
For there love abides,
Unchanging with tides.
could read
There true love abides,
Despite changing tides.
More important than literary technique are the motivations behind the veil, and your potential merits encouragment
Hoping this is seen as constructive criticism
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bravo
Remarkably well done! very good meter and fine rhyme throughtout! (How best to improve? You have, for the most part, 6 syllables to the line, which is excellent, but you do stray here and there. Also, try alternating rhyme: abab, cdcd, instead of your curennt aabb, ccdd...you we get a very differnet and, I believe, more pleasing sound...) bravo...bravo...bravo...
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Thanks!
I was so surprised and SO excited to get a comment on that! It's my first comment on that poem. Thank you very much for your comments and for your advice on how to improve it. I will be looking at it and trying what you said. It may take me a while, so if you look at it again and see it hasn't changed, don't give up on me. It takes me awhile, especially since I don't have much writing time....
Thanks again, so very much, for taking the time to comment on "My Castle In The Air"!
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