Blue smoke fills my lungs
The needle pierces through my flesh
A pink pill makes my head tingle
And the white rock makes my nose dribble
I want to stop
I need to stop
I try to stop
But I'm dying, for something to live for
An urge that is just to strong
A need no one believes
And the addiction that won't let go
If ever depressed
It swallows me hole
Whenever alone
I'm always alone
Theres a chance to make anew
Missed the opportunity
Made the same mistakes
Now I hinder here
This poison in my veins
With hallucinating visions
A numbness throughout my body
And incoherent speach
A pipe ready to smoke
The needle loaded to shoot
Blue pills dissolving in my rye
Freshly crushed lines yearning to blow
I know I really shouldn't
I know that this is killing me
I know I need to be stronger
But I have yet to find or recieve
So I contiune along
Cause Im dying, for something to live for
Literally...
Dying for something to live for
A contest entry
- Anything You Want: Free Verse by Nicole Hanna.
300 points, ended May 5, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
This really is so factual
So much detail
It leaves me thinking about:
An urge that is just to strong
A need no one believes
And the addiction that won't let go
Those lines force the reader to try and be in the place of the user, attempting to understand the power of addiction, is it mental? Is it physiological? Could a non-user ever understand, ever imagine? I don't know.
Definitely a thought provoking piece, very real and vivid.
Dying for something to live for
an awful, sad, and real truth for far too many!
Once again an amazing creation!
♥
-
-
You surprised me...I thought you weren't going to like it
Instead its an amazing creation!!
You are so swell...and I do miss you
Much Love!
-
-
i wrote a poem once called your addiction.it really never gave what the addiction was and i'll tell you it was love.but anyway nicole has some good points.i still liked the intent .good luck
-
Wow!!
Powerful piece penned and what emotions exuded
The reader can certainly feel it for I know I could...
Thank You for sharing this~
Best wishes to You in the contest!!
Many blessings too
and much love~ Desire~*~
-
You have a lot of telling going on, which is a shame, because you have some powerful emotions and subject matter that would come out a lot more in images. For instance, you have "the needle pierces through my flesh" could be something like "the needle in my flesh like pinpricks". Use metaphor to turn lines with strong bones, into a poem with strong lines. I didn't like the last two lines. They seemed too obvious for me. I read it without them, and think it read stronger the second time. All in all, you have a great base to work from, and you only need one strong image in a stanza to build around, so I'd suggest just playing around with some of the words and their placements to come up with similies and such that will breathe more life into the content. Thanks so much for entering. Your emotions were very sound here
-
-
Ok smart ass....lol
I agree with the the last two lines
But metaphors...I just don't see
I mean I could and your right it may actually bring life into it
But as I thought about it, I just didn't feel it
Not with this subject matter, not from a first person perspective
It just...you see life would pertain that the person reaching out to you has life in them...which they don't
Trust me they don't and that is why they have fallen where the have fallen
Am I wrong?
Would it not only make the poem longer with no substanial reasoning for it?
I could change that needle line...but I was think something more like...."The needle scars my soul"
to keep it short
I don't know..all in all your comment was right on and inciteful...matter of perspective I suppose
Thanks for reading...sorry it wasn't good enough lol
Much Love!
-
-
Great writing!!! The feeling of addition here is over-whelming. Impressive piece.
Blessed be,
Azlyn
-
Wow..powerful words. Have had an experience or two to have heard them from one who wished the very same. Seems they are truly meant when they pass over the lips only to fall second when the feeling of drowning passes. Dying for something to live for....think this is the strongest in truht and yet the most deceiving line of all. For the very thing you need to live for is yourself and until you find the self love needed you will never find a means to the end. Only will silence the call for a short while...There is a need to address the demons and slay them so that the band aid used to flee from them is no more. Learned that in a class I atteneded when my childrens father was in rehab. If this is a true write my heart cries for you...so much for one so young to see in beauty instead of a haze. If this is from another interest...then you have seen more than you should. Best of luck to you in the contest. Dawn
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
