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Words Of Treason

With the thunder above, I was falling asleep
My soul struck by lightning,
I dropped into dreams

On my knees, underneath them, I shook
In a pleading display of distress
Frantically searching
For pieces of shattered solace

They lifted it up,
And with a striking grip
My dear refuge was reduced to dust
Looking like midnight stars
Under a cursed full moon

As the sweet sand remains hit the air,
they blew in my face, piercing my eyes
"Speak no more"; the words of treason
Which drifted from their lips
Like dry ice snowflakes

Melting into acid rain,
Burning through my hands
So the last specks of hope
Could no longer be retrieved

Surrendering to the poison,
It filled my heavy lungs
My chest; much harder to carry
I was face down on the floor

Then I woke from my incubus terror,
Breathing a grateful sigh
Back in the arms of my precious home,
I inhailed a breath
To shout words of glory

But only a cough was released
My body became lighter
As the flow of acid drained from my lungs
Burning and severing my vocal chords...

And I spoke no more.

Author notes

May 4, 2007... My FIRST free verse poem ever!... Yepp... I usually ALWAYS rhyme, but I felt like switching it up today. Anyways, this is about my mother and father taking away everything I love from me (especially my lesbian girlfriend) so I can be normal and just like them. They take what matters to me and render me helpless, and I can't do anything about it.

- write about some on you love who loves you back but something...or someone keeps you apart

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Winklings gold member
    September 30, 2007

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    Striking imagery

    but the imagistic continuity does not present the central metaphor of passion and parental rejection unless you explain this. Once you do, lines and images fall into place. Someone else mentioned stanza lengths and variation. They are talking nonsense. The "rules" of Free Verse do not quantify in this fashion. I like certain littlemetaphors such as "specks of hope".
    Keep competing and thank you for entering. Best wishes. Ron.


  • DancingRed
    September 21, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Your imagery is quite vivid, but I think more variation in stanza length would lend itself to the freeverse style.
    This is much longer than I was looking for in my contest; thanks for entering but I don't think you'll win.

    DancingRed.

  • Swan song gold member
    June 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Excellent I can see what you mean in your comments this is a well put goether poem.

  • Dream Drifter
    May 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Well darling you did wonderful, It is a smashing write. And I love it, I don't think I have ever seen anything like this before. It is down right delightful indeed. I thank you so much.

    • AutumnsFlame
      May 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Yepp... I noticed you said the exact same thing to every other person who entered your contest.

  • Friday gold member
    May 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I enjoyed reading this, very contempory. I think there are a few points where the punctuation needs to be changed and/or added, but other than that this was a lovely piece with some strong emotions behind it. The last line was incredibly strong and that is always a good thing. Some of your comparisons as well were unique and catching. Thank you for entering.

  • xBluexEyedxGirlx
    May 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    great emotion...i thought it flowed nice...good luck thanks for entering
  • Nicole Hanna
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I think you could probably work on the transition between stanzas in a few instances. Here's an example:

    You have "Which drifted from their lips, like snowflakes of dry ice... they melted into acid rain and burned through my hands". You could just edit out a word or two and say "which drifted from their lips like dry ice snowflakes, melting into acid rain" but keep the line break where it is between them. I think it would really increase the flow throughout the middle of the piece. For shorter pieces I wouldn't worry too much about this kind of thing, but it's something you might want to consider in things over 20 lines. For a first free verse poem, this is very nice. You have some super strong imagery in here, and my only suggestion is to play with the wording a bit and don't be afraid to experiment, grammatically speaking. Thanks so much for entering.

    • AutumnsFlame
      May 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for your advise (I am taking it). I have never done freeverse before, and I was kinda looking for a new expirience... So I'm gonna go play with words now.
1 - 10 of 10