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~Old Farm~

 
 
 
Old
mailbox
hangs open,
on this dirt road.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
No life left here now
in a peeling shell once home,
no laughter as children roam,
off to milk the cow.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
No planted seeds
in these fields
just some
weeds
and yet
still I feel
a lifetime’s deeds.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
A vision was near,
oh sweet memories did form,
families weathered the storm
with happiness clear.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Love's roots deeply
grown here on
this old
farm.
 
 
 
 
 

Author notes

Arkquain Swirl - form developed by Arkbear
syllable count
1-2-3-4
5-7-7-5
4-3-2-1-2-3-4
5-7-7-5
4-3-2-1

7 syllable lines MUST rhyme


SMILE!

Well Bear, I took this Arkquain Swirl challenge a step further and used end line rhyme in both the 5 syllable lines and the 7 syllable lines. Also, just for fun, I used end line monorhyme in the center stanza, lines 4, 1, 4.

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • Fug-azi
    May 31, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love these, tried one once and got bitten .. lol. Arkbear is a stern judge who knows whats required from his form.

    This really does speak volumes and its a shame that it is judged not only on its content but on its shape!!

    I for one found it excellent.


  • grannyeri gold member
    May 23, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Do like this form you have used, the flow and the great picture used to inspire this write. Wonderful presentaion as well.

  • Arkbear gold member
    May 22, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Very Clever Entry ~

    This a Lovely entry ~

     

    Presentation of Art inspiration suits the write well ~

     

    Title befitting the write too ~

     

    Rhyme on 5's & 4 & 1's are not going to gain you any points,

    but it will influence the deductions I am fixing to take off for..>>>>

     

     

    Structures aesthetic appeal & Flow.....not Great ~

     

    Watch those commas and possessive apostrophes!!!!!

     

    Punctuation is not always necessary if you

    have a great flow.....which you would have had if you would not

    have placed so many commas in your write ~

     

    Formed Poetry requires VERY little punctuation if worded correctly ~

     

    Your

    4-3-2-1-2-3-4

     

    &

     

    4-3-2-1

    stanzas were your best flowing lines ~

     

    ALSO...

     

    your

    5-7-7-5

    stanzas should try to match up in

    length to get that diamond shape ~

     

    This.>>>

     

     

    ********

    **********

    **********

    ********

     

    ...instead of this...>>

     

    *****

    ***********

    ***********

    *****

     

    BUT!

     

     

    No worries...there is going to be ONE more contest

    for BIG points!

     

    Winner takes all ~

     

    Learn from this ~

     

    And next time Lori, ask your Friend or reviewers, to NOT

    mention your name in their reviews hun ~

     

    I still Judged fairly...as you know I would ~

     

    I expected more from you I must be honest ~

     

    You do the Form justice....but this time you

    fell a wee bit short of your usual perfection ~

     

    Look how lines, 4 & 5....8 & 9...... 15 & 16.....19 & 20, are no

     where near lining up for the aesthetic appeal which

    the Arkquain was created for ~

     

    ( - . 5 pts )

     

    SCORE:  9.5

     

    SMILE!!!

     

    Bear ~


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    May 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Great imagery in this piece. I admire the additional rhyme pattern. Well penned!


  • Lady-Pegasus
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    very nice arkquain swirl, as always from you, your forms are beautiful both poetically and in form, such skill it is enviable! A wonderfully nostalgic piece to be certain! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e * *rose

  • zochit2me gold member
    May 12, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This really hit home with me Lori. I was born in Arkansas and spent massive amounts of time on my aunt and uncle's farms. The dirt road stories I could tell and the memories made there are precious to me. I thank you so much for sharing this and a very interesting form indeed. I may just try it. You did a wonderful job on this and it deserves far more clappies than I can give you. So here is a big and 3 clappies
    Becky


  • B Chandler
    May 11, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    See you have a knack at this Lori better than me lol and i loved how you capitalized on the imagery to really bring forth that senseation of being there. Keep penning

  • malkinpuss gold member
    May 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful!

    The imagery evoked was wonderful. It felt nostaglic even though I was born and raised in a small prairie city in Saskatchewan, Canada! But... out here, we are all close to our farming roots as the majority of us have close relatives who worked the land.


  • sheltered
    May 8, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Great picture and nice form. Very descriptive with effective rhyming. Great job.


  • Closetpoet1971 gold member
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Ellegant!!!


    This piece speaks so clearly to the reader of past present and what we can make of the future if only we root our lives in love and remember the past. I really loved the smooth flow...it gave the piece a sense of serenity. Best wishes in the contest you're in!!

    Love ya girl!
    Shannon


  • Arkbear gold member
    May 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for this delicious entry ~

    Please forgive me ~

     

    I can not acknowledge your entry

    by a personal IM this time, because

    this is an anonymous contest

    and I don't have your names

     in front of me ~

     

     

    My mistake...I apologize ~

     

    Perfect syllable count !

     

    Thank you!

     

    I can not say any more per say the rules ~

    Reviews will come after the closing of this contest ~

     

    If you have any questions about your entry,

    please refer back to the Rules on the Contest Page ~

     

    Thank you for taking the time to enter and

    the best to you in this contest ~

     

    Bear ~


  • Puppydog gold member
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL!

    Memories of love,devotion and faith can never fade completely away. What is now worn and dilapidated will always be treasured in people's hearts and souls.

1 - 12 of 12