I feel the motion, yeah the motion of fear
Can't escape from all these demons in here
I fall short in the light of the moon
I see them coming but they're coming too soon
And now these demons, yeah these demons are free
I close my eyes but it's still them I see
Their fingers clawing, no they won't let me be
Yeah they're coming, yeah they're coming for me
My will is strong but my soul is asleep
I try and rest but they killed all the sheep
I'm fucking in this, yeah I'm in this too deep
Their time is coming, now it's time for a war
So I fight my way to get to the door
But one grabs me and pulls me to the floor
God please help me I can't take anymore
But God won't help me no, he won't even see
Because these demons, yeah, these demons are me
A contest entry
- Prewrites---------And Quick!!! by Hebz.
425 points, ended June 16, 2007, 96 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just Another Contest You Won't Look At Or Are You Proving Me Wrong?!? by Xxthe angry gothxX.
800 points, ended July 12, 2007, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me some weird poems! by TwiztidMaggot.
345 points, ended June 25, 2007, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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This is awesome. I love the rhyming scheme.I like the how it says that the demons that he wants to go away are really himself, and how his will is strong, but his soul is asleep.
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really good REALLY i am not just sayin this.
the last bit i dont agree as i feel god is inside us BUT i love it thanx Jesse -
Nice imagery. Kinda creepy though. But what we don't understand is what creeps us out though, right? this was great work and good luck in the contest.
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this is very good! I really like the imagery... good luck in this contest! and congrats to your win, too... good job!!!!!!!!!!!!
crimson -
...WOW....
Everyone has there demons and this poem...it captures the fight we all must go through...to try to keep them from doing us real harm... In this short poem you've captured my interest so well that i was saddened when it came to an end...^_^...I LOVED IT!!!
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Wow!!! This is deep. I love the flow and the desperation in this piece. I know I'm weird. lol. I love it when a man can say that he needs help. For I know of these demaons you speak of. For they too once haunted me. If only people knew. This reaches deep and for that great work.
Beka
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Gosh!! Amazing Write!!
I like this much..it reminds me of the series Angel, don't remember which season tho
Great write, brilliant imagery..Love it all...
Thanks alot for entering my contest & Best of Luck
GloriousGift
Heba -
Whoa. This is amazing. This is probably one of my favorite poems on Allpoetry itself. Keep up the great work! You're an amazing writer, man. I just gotta say that much. xx Erin ♥
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I think often times we are our own worst enemy and for countless reasons. This is fantastic. You are really skilled when it comes to creating a nice smooth meter with your poetry, which is really great here considering these are lyrics. I really enjoyed the depth in this as well as the raw, honest feel. Excellent.
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WOW
I love this. The rhymes are excellent. I do good to get two much less three or four. The flow is smooth. Would love to hear this put to music. This truly has a dark side. I love the last two lines.
But God won't help me no, he won't even see
Because these demons, yeah, these demons are me
Very nicely written. I loved reading it. (Humming in my head, somewhat hard rock?)
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this is a great write, the flow, rhythm and rhyme are awesome, I love the meaning behind, the demons within one self.. the imagery is good in this, and the beat of it helps it to flow... I really like these lines..
"Their time is coming, now it's time for a war
So I fight my way to get to the door
But one grabs me and pulls me to the floor
God please help me I can't take anymore
But God won't help me no, he won't even see
Because these demons, yeah, these demons are me "
you ended this poem, very well, well done!!
thank you for entering my contest and good luck..
peace and light always. -
Wow so profound and deep
I love the dark side of this write. There's inter demons in all of us. Just sometimes there controlable. Than other times, They need releasing. Amazing write. (Lisa)
"But God won't help me no, he won't even see
Because these demons, yeah, these demons are me"
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great!! actually... perfect!!!
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Great!
I liked this, dark and desperate. Everyone has their demons just some have more than others. Great write!
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I know a thing or two about demons. I've lived with them for 27 years. I don't feel that you made a strong enough case for the madness of the narrator here, and I feel that the only real way to do that is to get as deep inside this guy as possible and just tell it like it is. This, to me, just hinted at it. - oce
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this is good. I love how you painted a picture with the words. This is very good.
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Wow... this is really great... the whole poem flowed and it almost read to me like a song... I could hear this being sung... Rock on! xoxo meg
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WOW! the last stanza is killer! this is great. i was singing it in my head as i read. the first two and the last are probably my favorites.
'My will is strong but my soul is asleep'- this is a fantastic line. i like it because it fits me. nice, man. really enjoyed this!
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i tried to rest but they killed all the sheep,dont really fit in but that's okay,great poem,lots of power,i like it heaps
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My will is strong but my soul is asleep
such a saddened state to be in. i think it fits the contests you have entered well. thank you for sharing this with me. i wish you the best of luck int his contest you have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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Amazing
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This is A very Well-Written Poem!!!! Awsome Job!!! Really Fantastic!
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Good title
Very effective write. I felt the trying to escape...
Lady Dragonwyck
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heya..this was a great poem..i really enjoyed reading this..your words were powerful, strong and emotional..this write flowed well to keep writting your talented and good luck in the contest
~Chrissy~ -
good
it was very well written, though the timing of the poem itself was a little off. but good nontheless. good luck -
Interesting set of lyrics. Dark, and the ending is a surprise. Nice rhyming in this as well. Flow is smooth too. Thanks for entering and good luck to you.
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Wow, the ending caught me off gaurd yet it fits so perfectly! This poem dripped emotion and a touch of bitter-sweet irony. A beautiful broken-down tragedy. A song I have heard sung so many times.
Thank you for entering and good luck in my contest
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wow!
this is amazing so dark and deep i love it! and it ryhmes perfectly. well done luv kay xx -
Could be a good dark song, the "blink" moment is almost too subtle (realization that one is own demon) but it's strong enough to leave a whisper. Good luck and thanks for entering.
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cool
i liked this alot alot. i loved the flow of it but i especially liked these lines..just the way they flowed and stuff
Their fingers clawing, no they won't let me be
Yeah they're coming, yeah they're coming for me
very cool. -
good
its a great creative work of art it should be made into a song the demons rock its so cool i use to have demons hell i still do but i can control them my biggest demon is me but 10 feet tall built like the hulk with wings and horns its pretty wicked demon keep up the good write
*steve
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awesome
Great rhyme and rhythm. This was easy to read, and caried a creation of understanding, atleast I understood it very well. Keep up the good work. read something of mine if you want.
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music
This would make good song lyrics. I like how the poet realizes at the end that the demons are himself. Also liked "My will is strong but my soul is asleep". Painful and honest.
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oooohhh!!!!!!!! I like that alot!!! It is very creative! Keep up the good work!!!
<3 Sharon -
excellent! i looooove this. i heard it in my head as a song. i could hear the rhythm and for some reason i put this to the voice of nickelback's lead singer. great work! i could feel the sense of helplessness. i hope to see more.
~SofiNadi -
Very nicely done, I must say. It was great imagery for me and i understand about demons... Everyone has demons that crawl beneath the surface of everyone's skin. All you have to do is find them... It was a very beautiful piece. Great job!
~Cosmic
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Great
This was great and so dark yet had a beauty in it. My favorite part was:
Their time is coming, now it's time for a war
So I fight my way to get to the door
But one grabs me and pulls me down on the floor
God please help me I can't take anymore
That was so dark and had so much raw emotion in it. Great job and best of luck in your writing future. -
This was an excellent poem. It was filled with so much emotion and the words painted images in my head.
It is a very fluent poem and very relatable. Everyone sometime in their life have to face there demons. So Well Done it was portrayed really well!
A lovely read.
I hope you continue to write as you are a talented writer.
Anne-Marie
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I came back to this one its hard to see someone who feels they are their worst enemy. But yes sometimes our minds tell us things we try not to hear but the whispers are so loud at times we begin to believe it. Only time can heal and its something you must want more than anything or the mind will eat you alive . See its distruction and you control it dont let it control you
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loved how fluid it was
nice fast pace- often if find myself dragging trough a peice and giving up as it is too slow. i liked the use of dialect, and the last line trully made the poem.
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cool poem!! it's nice,man.It's v.dark and gloomy...atmosphere is moody..I can't write a rhytmed poem...well,i can write it,but it sounds silly..your's is good..Awesome!
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what can i say?
Hey, nice piece, had a movement to it that seems lacking in other works. On another note i haven't written a rhymed piece in awhile and you've inspired me to do so. thanks and keep up the good work!
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awesome, aside from the demons being you, which is a wonderful summing up of your poem, the first part of it reminds me of a poem I wrote called 'haunted'
anyhoo nice write and keep up the good work, very dark, very cool.
all my best wishes to you and over coming your demons,
-alese -
i think everyone can relate to your poem. We each have demons we have to face sooner or later and most of the time we are our own demons, the core of our distruction! This poem is really well written and constructed from tough stuff. Like everyone else i loved the last two verses, so powerful but true.
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Awesome!
I like this, this would make an awesome somg- I could almost imagine it in my head, the entire way it would go with the beat. The meaning of it was amazing- something to comtemplate. I don't know exactly how to explain it all, what I thought of this poem, but I do like it, a lot.
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Dark and Toasty.
Dark and toasty. My favorite type. On the grammatical side, I would ask you to correct "They're fingers clawing" to "Their fingers are clawing" Their and they're are common errors and easily overlooked.
On the personal side, don't fight those deomons. Just love yourself in spite of them. Good work, Angel w o Wings.
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Wow, this is so deep and so powerful. I do have to say that you don't need to be afraid of demons, even if you feel as if you are one yourself, because God makes them flee! When you believe, they can no longer be a part of your life! This is definitely a WONDERFULLY written poem, but keep what I said in mind.
Monica <3 -
Great work here
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Really enjoyed reading this, my favourite lines were ''My will is strong but my soul is asleep'' and the ending was a nice surprise, really liked it: ''But God won't help me no, he won't even see
Because these demons, yeah, these demons are me'' Good theme, good piece, enjoyed!
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FANTASTIC!!!!!!
The poem is absolutley wonderful! At first I thought that the poem was great, it had a very smooth and lyrical feel to it, but then the last line just... caught me off guard! I wasn't expecting it, but it was fantastic! The feelings that shot through me when I read that line... I just can't describe. I think a chill went up my spine! You did a really realy really great, fantastic job with this! Keep up the fantastic work!
~Mon Amour Ange
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excellent poem, i just loved this, and i'd have to say that the ending was awesome!!!! i just loved it sooo much, my favorite part was
Their time is coming, now it's time for a war
So I fight my way to get to the door
But one grabs me and pulls me down on the floor
God please help me I can't take anymore
But God won't help me no, he won't even see
Because these demons, yeah, these demons are
i just loved this and it was an awesome part of your poem, there was an excellent flow in this poem and i loved how the rhyming seemed effortless,
keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
holy freaking crap........i thought the poem was pretty tight, then I read the last night and my eyes like.......all bugged out or something. This was EFFING AMAZING! My will is strong but my soul is asleep
I try and rest but they killed all the sheep
i kinda giggled at that part...i don't know why the sheep thing was funny. anyhow, i loved the flow, and the rhyme was awesome as well. Keep up the awesome work! -
Wow!!!
nice write..!!! simple pattern of rhyming but very effective!!! i saw a few errors here n there... the word is 'Escape'... n its "'they're' coming too soon"
... the second line in the second stanza is grammatically wrong... it should either be 'i open my eyes but i still can't see'... or.. 'i open my eyes.. but im still not bale to see'... n every where you've written 'their coming' it should be "they're coming"...
Other than these.. its a wonderful poem..!!! loved the entire concept n the slow build up to the final line where everything falls into place...!! Good job!! ur's is the first poem il be applauding today!! its soooo nice!!
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