flesh-coloured memories
of the marvel of you
are all I have left
to paint the numbered days
when the sun smiles regardless
& beats me with its warmth
that leaves me as cold
as your corpse
your death drove me
to this automaton
that I have become
I eat but do not taste
drink beer but nothing
nothing intoxicates me
as you did
know that this void
this vacuum
tethers my soul
when they buried your body
they closed the coffin
on both of our spirits
send me a sign
to tell me
how to walk
on my knees
Author notes
inspired by the poem "for jane" by Bukowski
In a list
A contest entry
- Bukowski I0I -- "For Jane" by truembrace.
500 points, ended May 7, 2007, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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very well done
I like your rendering of this. very touching and heart felt.
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Thankyou very much indeed for reading this and for your comments,they are appreciated.
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wow... sad, intense...
amazing... simply incredible opening... astounding the content and tone of the first stanza... incredible and brilliant- this piece nearly moved me to tears... such honesty and breadth it contains... such reality and yet it is conveyed in such a loving touching, almost surreal manner...
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This is really intense and I had to come back to read it again. I like the title a lot.
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I don't think I ever have read Bukowski's "For Jane" poem--(But you can be certain I will now).
You've created such stunning images throughout this poem which encompass the senses--(even to the sense of "taste" which I've always found the most difficult). The closing stanza had such a zinger-quality that resonates with the reader...and it's a poem that becomes more poignant in second, third, fourth, etc. reads.
Lovely writing, and truly best wishes to you in the contest!
Jo
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Thankyou very much for your thoughts on this piece dearest friend,I hope you are well,take care,love and light,Yvette
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WOW! Intense grief and unsure how to go on with life after the loss felt in every line here...Is true when we feel such deep great loss, we just go into automatic pilot, eat for sustenance without tasting it, sleep for our body has its own alarm clock, and wake and walk in robotic function...this is deeply penned. Excellent job!
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This poem flows very well, it is eloquent, and well structured. Really nice opening, "flesh-coloured memories", great imagery.
Not just the begging but the whole poem through to the end is beautiful. I don't normally go in for this sort of poetry but I know good when I see it.
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I really like this poem. It's sad, but I can feel your emotions. I can feel the coldness and see them shutting the coffin and you sitting by it, crying. Great write and continue to write more.
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The last stanza is exquisite as well as the line "nothing intoxicates me as you did." Thoroughly enjoyable and packed with emotion!
-animated ♥ -
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Thankyou very much indeed,glad you enjoyed this and liked the title,I always have trouble deciding on a title so that made me smile,thankyou
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I forgot to mention that your title is simply amazing!
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I like the last stanza. The overall tone of the poem is strong and I appreciate your attention to detail.
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perfect ending -- that's the first thing I look for in most poems. well, the title and first two lines need to "hook" you in -- but the ending is so very key.
overall, I thought this poem was full of vivid images, strong flow to say the least, tightly written and I can't imagine considering any kind of edit.
rather like this one a lot and appreciate you entering this into the contest.
Kim
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Thankyou very much indeed!
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the last stanza representative of a broken spirit..brought to the knees in grief..in sadness.. a life without purpose..without direction..my heart! my heart! you've taken me unwillingly to this place of sorrow..... (well done!!!)
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Thankyou very much for reading and for your comments Sherry-Lee
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Another brilliant write... I paint by numbered days myself also.... for many reasons and for many people... you again touch my heart with the honesty of your writing
Karen
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Thankyou Karen for your heartwarming comments and for reading,many blessings,Yvette
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An interesting poem... and a powerful evocation of grief.
I find though that the lapses into colloquialisms detract somewhat from the mood. Do consider replacing "don't" by "do not", and "like you did" by "as you did".
For this is surely not a colloquial piece. Addresses to the dead - however personal and private - surely must always carry with them a certain atmosphere of ritual.
(And, by the way, there is a typo in line 6 - "it's" should be "its")
I am also a little unhappy about "with" in the last line. Closing something "with" suggests that the next words will refer to some kind of device -e.g. "closing with a padlock"... And when one subconsciously expects a sentence to end a certain way and it does not, one gets a kind of jar that than interrupt the flow and - and therefore detract from the mood of the poem.
This problem could be eliminated here if you wrote, e.g.
They closed the coffin
ON both our spirits.
Do think about this. For it is a very evocative piece, and deserves to be honed to the highest possible degree of perfection. -
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Vera,I should like to say I am very grateful for your in depth critique and welcomed your advice,I have made the changes that you suggested and they do strenghten the piece.For some reason the system won't let me applaud your comments but I value the time and effort you took in pointing out these things to me,thankyou again,Yvette
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what is not to admire about this? you have so captured grief... intense grief with a clarity i seldom see.
these two lines say so much...
'send me a sign to tell me
how to walk on my knees'
they're very visual... i picture someone begging, on their knees for answers...
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Thankyou for reading and commenting,I am glad you liked those lines,thanks again,Yvette
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This one actually prompted specific memories for me. Though you use painting by numbers as a metaphor, the real-life memories of painting by numbers actually seemed to fit within the context of this poem, which just made me giddy. "send me a sign to tell me how to walk on my knees" was absolutely stunning, and though the final stanza was glorious, I'd almost like to see those two lines at the end. You've got some damn good stuff in this one.
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Thankyou very much indeed for your comments and for reading this,I have taken your advice re rearranging those lines and thankyou for the suggestion,many blessings,Yvette
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This is very thought provoking a clever idea behind this piece.Great choice of vocab well done to you
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Great
Awesome word choice, a well painted portrait of words. Great write!
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Thankyou very much indeed
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"send me a sign to tell me
how to walk on my knees" That produces such a strong image of pleading, seeking hope or salvation..perhaps both.
This was a deeply moving write, excellent work. Such a deep sense of loss.
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Thankyou for reading and for your comments
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Thankyou Elaine
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