The old songs have a habit of recalling the old thoughts
When I listened to the old songs when they were new
And life was new and the thoughts too were new
Like morning dew in my breath and in my blood.
You said the world will find you in my songs,
And in my songs a mustachioed flute player
Played over thick music with a loud mustache rummaging
The songs the world will search you in and find you in.
The sound wriggles like childrens' fingers,
Or like an old worm in fresh, green apples,
Cold and sour, searching for the seeds
Of its youth in the old songs which were new.
I live the long tracks of blood and breath
As thoughts cloud clear as beads of dew,
New and fresh as the life of the old songs if they were new
And when listening was pure and holy and was you.
27 April - 9 May, 2007
Author notes
In this poem, I've tried to be as recursive and self-referencial as possible, not unlike hypnotic induction, without losing control of the idea being expressed. This poem is not much about images than sonics and ideas. Blunt repetition of whole words may be more crude than rhymes or assonace, but at least it gives a breath of fresh air to the poems, especially when the repetitions are not pre-meditated. As for those people who find repetition nauseating, I can only feel sorry for having wasted your time.
A contest entry
- methadone & thistle ( to burn a poem ) by jaunty pill.
1800 points, ended May 9, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Oh Yes!
I was caught by the title and glad to have been captured in the web. What a terrific stanza:
"The sound wriggles like childrens' fingers,
Or like an old worm in fresh, green apples,
Cold and sour, searching for the seeds
Of its youth in the old songs which were new"
The old songs both take me back and cause new thoughts to come to mind but now I'll have other ideas that will be included.
Jim -
Outstanding
This is a great poem, I liked your choice of language and the way you developed the theme of the poem. You say this poem is about "sonics and ideas" but I also found the imagery to be exceptional and I loved the way you linked the sense of old and new. This is sophisticated and intricate with a wonderful simplicity. I rate this poem very highly. Brilliant.
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Alongside the repetition in the poem, you can use grammatical parallelism. Possible less rep.
It sounds like you wanted to back away from sound symbolism in your poem. Why? The poems about music so that maybe what feels contridicting in the poem.
Assonace, alliteration, onomonopeia, etc.. might bring the poem alive.
I really love your poem. I love the emotions behind it tremendously
(Sidenote: I am having a great time talking about poetry!)
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*huge grin* i love to talk about poetry too!! i especially love to tear poems apart and analyze them. as for this poem "the old songs", as jaunty pill noted, and you seem to tacitly agree, this isn't really a great success in terms of what i wanted to achieve and what i got. i would like to request you to read my "the last salute". the effects i wanted to achieve is better obtained there, although the poem is not really complete.
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nice write
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interesting
"You said the world will find you in my songs,
And in my songs a mustachioed flute player
Played over thick music with a loud mustache rummaging
The songs the world will search you in and find you in."
About 8 months ago I purchased an Egyptian wood carving of an entertainer playing a flute in Egypt from a seller in the USA. The male entertainer wood carving being more of "Asia major style" than of Egypt despite North African arab clothing ( with a bindhi dot to the forehead at the point of the supposed third eye). This now sits next to the place that I sleep.
You just reminded me of that....I think it is often what a poem reminds a reader of that attracts the reader to the poem. Does that make sense? If the poem evokes personal memories, and experiences, then the poem is of interest!
funny old world really.....
All the best my friend
Andrew Siddle
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Indara Sidi/Siddhe
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The old songs have a habit of recalling the old thoughts
When I listened to the old songs when they were new
And life was new and the thoughts too were new
Like morning dew in my breath and in my blood.
You said the world will find you in my songs,
And in my songs a mustachioed flute player
Played over thick music with a loud mustache rummaging
The songs the world will search you in and find you in.
The sound wriggles like childrens' fingers,
Or like an old worm in fresh, green apples,
Cold and sour, searching for the seeds
Of its youth in the old songs which were new.
I live the long tracks of blood and breath
As thoughts cloud clear as beads of dew,
New and fresh as the life of the old songs if they were new
And when listening was pure and holy and was you.
the entire piece held a certain fascination for me. thank you for sharing...peace and light always, Kendal -
wow, there are almost no words that I can use to describe this, this is really good, please keep penning.
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Hello! I really like the mustache. right, now that's out in the open...
As far as i have read of your previous poetry, this one has a different flavour, a subtle taste of tradition. i like the idea of 'shot' of dew in the blood. i can imagine it as beaded clarity. you know my critics, they aren't always clear! i hope you are well and happy. nice to read you again.
fay
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I liked it
I liked this poem but would have to sit and ponder more, as to why I liked it, if you want me to be specific.
My first thought is ... I liked that poem!
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i would like it if you could be more specific...
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LOL, I had to chuckle at your note. Repetition is a staple of formal poetry especially French poetry. But on to your poem: as in most of your writes, I enjoyed this yet I disagree with your note. You said that this poem is not much about images than sonics and ideas. Well, my mind drew many images throughout the entire write. The following are all images:
“morning dew in my breath and in my blood
mustachioed flute player
mustache rummaging
blood tracks
beads of dew”
The only problem I see with your poetry is your own low opinion of it. You have the heart of a poet.
Love,
Amera
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This is certainly a fresh breath of air...As for do I agree a little that the repetition gets stale , Maybe. I think the poem itself has some very powerful moments....Like in line one of the third stanza. Some other lines though seem to bascially ride into the next line with little or no emotional impact. Hell , It could very well be because the poem itself is almost relying on this format , Causing it to feel constricted to a certain extent. I did very much enjoy the second line of the 2nd stanza. It was the " flute " imagery that got me I think.
However , I do understand what you were trying to do and I think that alone is applaud-worthy in itself. Many poets go for the easy way out and figure to rhyme...Or use assonace like you mention. So it is nice to see someone step outside their boundries and really try to use my contest idea in a more creative way. This does indeed involve a circular charismatic feel....Which is one thing I was hoping someone would try. With that said , I'm still not sure the poem pulls off everything as wonderfully as you may have hoped. If I were to judge this though with anymore scrutiny...It could easily fall apart. This is the type of poem that you offer suggestions to while keeping in mind that the poem could easily fall apart with the slightest change.
So in the end , Yes , I enjoyed aspects of this poem and I think it is wonderful to see...But could it be improved on? Absolutely.
I'm so glad you decided to enter my contest and good luck ,
James
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james, i re-read your comments again and the poem and the poems by other contestants as well, and somehow i get a feeling that this poem doesn't quite satisfy the contest guide lines. i don't know why i feel that. i would be very glad to hear more of your specific suggestions. come on, don't be shy!!
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Hey again. No actually , It does fit my contest guidelines...Your poem clearly has a circular nature and it clearly " begins where it ends "...In a few places actually. So it can certainly stay in the contest , No worries there. I just felt that some of the ideas felt constricted and relied on this format too much...Like you were trying to squeeze all the drops of individuality you could out. I can see though that you've made a few changes and like you mentioned in IM , It was a first draft. I think the third stanza is better. At least that is one of the corrections I noticed right away. I'll check in on and off to see how this is coming along and when you think it's up to the best of your ability , Hit me with an IM and I'll be sure to stop in and leave me final thoughts , Etc.
And me , Shy...
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- James
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