The phlegmatic snail slithers ever so slowly
On a perilous path that perpetually leads away from comfort.
It has traveled a debilitating distance,
So far from home.
Slowly sliding on smooth secretions of mucus,
It thinks about the life it leaves.
Panicking at predators,
chewing luscious leaves,
Tirelessly traveling beneath a scorching sun,
Carrying such a shell of a burden on it’s back.
But now, it is exhausted.
So exhausted.
Finally, it falls asleep for eternity.
A contest entry
- The Mediocre Against Mediocrity by laughingstock.
450 points, ended May 19, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I really like this. It's just lovely. I'm a huge fan of alliteration and what you have created comprises of carefully chosen characters concocted in a choleric yet cheerful complexion catering to a cold outlook unto existence.
It must be a hard life for a snail... that's the focus of this piece from my perspective and the sympathetic ear that you give it is both admirable and effective.
You engage the reader to look past the exterior and see in between the lines. And I think that that's important. Especially with something as vulnerable as this piece has the potential of being.
"Panic at predators" doesn't flow right. Maybe "Panicking at predators" or "Panicks at predators" but "Panic" just doesn't do that line justice or even make sense grammatically.
This was a nice piece. Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck -
Ahh, alliteration! I really liked the beginning of this, the beauty of life and the awesome alliteration of course.. and then the crushing end. Reality. I used to love snails when I was little, cos they felt funny, now they gross me out.. >_> Good luck in this contest.
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