Please Don't Hurt Me Any More

My hands shake,
My hands shake as tears form in my eyes,
My mind races, as I sort through your lies.

Am I your Atkins Diet, your ripped jeans, your tie dye shirt?
Nothing more than a fad, a passing flirt?

My mind wants to hate you, but my heart won’t take the clue,
I just can’t be done; you won’t let me be through.

You only come around when I’m happy, when it seems like I’m at my best.
You won’t let this so called relationship finally lay to rest.

I won’t allow the tears to fall; I hold my head back so they can’t run.
I try to steady my hands, but my efforts are next to none.

I can’t end it, you won’t end it
Calm down Ashley your mental capacity is taking a hit.

Are you happy now that you’ve given me this edge?
An edge where I have to talk myself out of walking out on a ledge?

Of course this is my fault,
I asked for this right, this is something that I sought?

I’m slowly dying inside,
And you walk around healthy, happy, walk with a head held high.

So what do I do when you won’t let go,
And I can’t walk away,
What do I do after you beg me to be with you, beg me to stay?
What do I do when again you hold me at bay?

There are questions on top of questions and no answers
Just conversations with myself, my crazy and wild banter.

Nails now nubs,
Foot grooves in the rug

Pacing, panting
Screaming and ranting

At myself, at you who of course isn’t there
Finally leaving me with the energy to do nothing more than give my walls a stare

I could call you the devil; I could call you a bitch,
I could call you a low down mother fucker who makes me fucking sick.

But what would that accomplish? What would that prove?
Next week I’ll be back by your side, and everything will be familiar news.

I can claim I’ve changed, I can declare to the world that I’m over thoughts of you,
But you and I both know the truth.

There is never an over, an end of the tunnel light,
I don’t even see a reason anymore to fight.

I should accept my place and have welcome imprinted on my head,
Because all you’ll ever see me as is a doormat that sporadically has to be fed.