The child's head thrusts through,
vaginal tissue tears, and the mother
seeks a source to release the tension.
Pain, potent as the pull of gravity,
pours kinetic energy into the
hand which clamps her husband's.
The grip compresses, bones crunch,
cartilage cracks--a fountain of rouge
erupts as bone breaks skin.
Man and wife scream,
a symphony of shrieks,
while the newborn baby begins to cry.
Revision of a poem for creative writing. Please tell me what you think. Must get an A in the class.
Comments
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graphic
Wow that's kind of graphic, but it's very good. You did a good job at writing this. I like it very much! -
Great Write
It is beautiful. Odd but I like it. There is always beauty in new life. It may not ryme but what poem does now days? Great write, I think you'll get an A
--Darkkitty
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Maybe change clamp to grasps? Fountain of rouge..liquidrose, perhaps? The imagery is astoundingly perfect. Took me back to my birthing moments. good luck.
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maybe not saying clamp in the third verse? you have just used the word at the end of the second verse so to use it so soon again...
crimson too is often used with blood imagery, maybe think of some other way to say that?
just those two poitns i think, i like the presentation, which i think is important in poetry. and the flow is good here.
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