stops halfway to melt
trickles onto rocks that
lightblaze with sun.
cold-blooded:
I lie in stillsweet
repose.
Mind swiftly exits
and I Lift
up up
up into sparks of soulsugar
lost on ghostful breezes-
that whistful whistle
creates harmonies
drifting far'n'wide
!!Stand!!
you dead spirit
breakbackspine
less
Than perfect.
!!Rise!!
So Broke I
stumble over rocks
till break-out of
moon's
smooth silk.
soft sly
silvery cloudslips
drift past.
River on distance
Siltsandybottom:
distance is farther
then i can travel.
Till sun rises and i split into thousands
And fill the sky till my little broke
self wakes and finds i still lie on rocks
and can go nowhere anyway.
Author notes
I dont really know where i was going with this, but this exactly what i thought of when looking at the picture! sorry if its not what you were after!
A contest entry
- Gaze Within the Stone by hoodoolover.
875 points, ended May 9, 2007, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Power, Placement, Perspective by JM Kenyon.
900 points, ended May 11, 2007, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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beautiful
wow. wow. utterly amazing imagery here. I just loved how smoothly it flowed, and the combination of the words that you did such as "lightblaze" and "cloudslips" just contributed to the whispery, silvery, wraith-like feel of the poem. I feel like if I breathed too hard, this would blow away. intangible and incredible.
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Thank you very much! this is a poem that when i wrote it i was incredibly unsure of, I didnt like it, or think it was going anywhere.... but public opinon seems gracious, and I have now fallen for its charms! lol thanks for you comment and I'm stealing the word wraithlike (i havent heard the word wraith for so long! that and intangible!mmm i feel a poem brewing lol)
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trickles ontorocks that
lightblaze with sun.
cold-blooded:
I lie in stillsweet
repose.
Mind swiftly exits
and I Lift
up up
up into sparks of soulsugar
lost on ghostful breezes-
that whistful whistle
creates harmonies
drifting far'n'wide
!!Stand!!
you dead spirit
breakcrackbackspine- this one is a little tough on the tongue, I think it might work smoother as breakbackspine
less
Than perfect.
!!Rise!!
So Broke I
stumble over rocks
till break-out of
moon's
smooth silk.
soft sly
silvery cloudslips
drift past.
Siltsandybottom- this one just didn't seem to work well for me, if it were mine (but its not) I'd swap this line and the next around to read: riverondistance...silt sandy bottom
River on distance
distanceis farther
then i can travel.
Till sun rises and i split into thousands
And fill the sky till my little broke
self wakes and finds i lie still on rocks
and can go nowhere anyway.
the last verse is missing the smoosh trick, the best phrase I see there to smoosh is "mylittlebrokeself"
still I like the overall effect, this is something I've never tried to date, so my comments are only personal impressions from reading the piece. I'll have to try this on sometime for myself, it does have an appealing effect
*huG*s ~Genie~
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Thanks for that! I have changed the two that you talked about - but i dont think I'm gonna add one in the last verse!
Thanks so much for this comment!
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Great use of language here. I really like the spaceless words, most of these add a good degree of strength to the words by combining them... though some are a little distracting. Overall, nicely done. *hug*s and best wishes ~Genie~
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Thank you very much! Which words would you call distracting? The word play is reletivly new to me and I'm still trying to find what works!
Please let me know as it would be very useful!
Thanks!
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I really enjoyed this kind of stream of conciousness write, very enjoyable, thanks very much for entering. It's to me like an out of body experience!
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Lovin' that title. Seriously adore it. The second stanza, and the repetition of "up" is where the pace really picked up for me, and I fell into a certain rhythm while reading it. And "soulsugar"? Come on now... who is your muse and where can I get one? The "!!Stand!!/!!Rise!!" stanza was also liberating just for having read it. I can't say I necessarily agree with using lower case "i" when you use punctuation, but I can see how it would be used to show the "smallness" of the self. That might be reading more into it than you had intended, but there you have it.
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