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doppelganger

 

 

 

train rails from montana

ship oak trees

and the smallest birds

( not yet able to fly )

but at least

afternoon clouds orbit

 

I read the walls of my hotel

stars out of pattern as backdrop

 

the riverbed outside

becomes a selfish mouth of water

fish corpses and fog

 

your head in the frame warps a bit

while sorrow illuminates the

deterioration of rumor

 

I watch shadows crook

like a fresh self

as floating lights extinguish

the ark of slumber

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

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A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 48 of 48

  • Naridill gold member
    May 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The imagery is moving.
    You have a way with words.


  • lurcher
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is reel clevver and I like it that you did'nt use no capitle letters as their a bit bborring I somtimes think - are you whot they cal ann intellectule' ?


  • TheClosestThing
    July 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    your head in the frame warps a bit
    while sorrow illuminates the
    deterioration of rumor

    I love that. The imagery in this is completely amazing.


  • shirk
    May 25, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "Like a fresh self"
    is bloody brilliant. This poem makes me feel...empty...which I guess, would be the intent?

    It's very emotional. I like it quite a bit. Especially the first stanza. It's absolutely stunning with vivid imagry and thick with literary device.

    What a feast for dying poets to dine on. Good job.

    • jaunty pill gold member
      July 5, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks so much for your beautiful comment. It's always a joy to hear the words of my readers. Feedback is my favorite part of writing, even if I don't necessarily take the advice all the time.

      - James

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 26, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you.

      " what a feast for dying poets to dine on "...You should use that in a poem or something. I like it and I find that brilliant.

      All the best ,
      James


  • Heart Sutra
    May 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    -

  • Heart Sutra
    May 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is a highly creative richly detailed poem while being sparse too, just how I like 'em. Plus this is an excellent example of showing rather than telling, which we know you are adept at doing, so I am just saying that here for the sake of saying it.


  • AJ Morelli gold member
    May 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    really nice piece and a contender for me....


    al


  • Cat gold member
    May 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    nice-

    the collection reminds me of an alanis album "feast on scraps"-

    sad that i know that-


    each read the first stanza catches me up a bit- i believe it's the wording of the parenthesis- i wonder if (those still unable to fly) would solve the problem

    your stanza with the riverbed is definitely your strongest-

    but in the following stanza "sorrow illumininates the deterioration of rumor" feels a bit weak

    but a strong finish punches the quality back up-


    m

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 13, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      mary ,

      You know...You might just be right about the " sorrow illuminates " line...I've been considering changing it around like someone else mentioned earlier. But I'm going to let it sit for awhile until I make a final decision. Your comment is the kind I look for on poetry around here. I think it more people left decent comments this site would be much more helpful for true writers , Like us. As for the other suggestion about the parenthesis - I really find it anesthetic and a sharp separation from the rest of the piece that's the only reason why so far I have not changed the flow in that part...Guess I'm sitting on that too. You have a good eye and I very much enjoyed your comment.

      Talk more soon.

      Always ,
      James


  • vampira1665 silver member
    May 12, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Well, I think I have a new fav. Nicely done!

    Hugs, Vampy


  • CookieZeal Greeters member
    May 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Uh! Another fantastic pill to swallow,...gets me all energized and inspired.

    my heart fell as I know this drop of thoughts;
    title was a credit to your individuality even
    though I didn't know what it meant entirely.
    A spatial hole that requires stretching.YES!
    I needed that.

    while sorrow illuminates the

    deterioration of rumor"<---- I like the abstract
    in it. Heady.

    In the first stanza, I wonder if a few diff words
    in the last two lines wouldn't give it more sychronocity? hmmm.
    and the smallest birds
    ( not yet able to fly )
    but at least afternoon clouds orbit <-- there. The genius observation gets a little cloudy..(pun lol)
    there.

    Such as?

    though the smallest of birds
    (not yet able to fly)
    afternoon clouds continue to orbit

    Other than that from a right brainer.. I find it so tight, I can't squeeze between the thoughts!
    superb, my friend!

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Well hello there...I don't think we've talked in a whole six hours... Anywho the one thing you mentioned about the beginning might not work as it shifts the poem slightly to mean something else. If you read you're suggestion it starts with " though "...Beginning on a different foot than I intended. The same can be said for your final line...It changes the context of the piece. But I will consider working on it at some point , When I think the time is just right.

      I'm so glad that you stopped in dear. It's been a long time since we shared comments on each others poetry...

      Thanks again and much love ,
      James

  • Rowan gold member
    May 9, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I felt a sense of detachment reading this..
    and thought how perfect for this contest.
    Excellent work.
    "ark of slumber"..love the way that sounds.
    I thoroughly enjoyed this. Thanks.

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 9, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Rowan ,

      Thanks a lot for the comment. Now you know why it's in the contest...Guess that means I did a good job. I'll check your place out as soon as I can.

      Always ,
      James


  • stephanie sunshine
    May 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    there is a certain sadness ascribed to the butchering of trees. trees ARE life, trees SUSTAIN life, and for this reason i think you chose the perfect symbol to drop us into. and amidst the destruction of life, LIFE continues on. i think we all slide through this world as mere shadows of our true selves. and my understanding of doppelganger is that it's, um, like an evil twin? a shady character to say the least.

    this is so.. full. so complete. so riveting. and i am completely unable to deconstruct it. enjoyed immensely!

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you. Honestly I think you are the first person to come along and challenge the idea of the title and some of the hidden message behind the poem...I knew eventually that someone might actually try to connect the dots on a deeper scale. That isn't to say that people here have not had their own take...But yours is a fresh gust of air for me as the writer. Life is brought together by the things around us , No matter how many times we try to deny that course.

      Again , Thank you.

      Take care ,
      James


  • misselaineous
    May 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I have read this a few times now and each time i get something different, i guess it started with the title [i was talking about doplegangers a few weeks ago and relating a story - how, as a child, i pretended there was another me, in another place, having a good time.]
    this is very grounded in visual references but made me think about all the things to check out before it's safe. reading the hotel walls is a great line,
    in fact there are lots of great lines but the final stanza is my favourite
    elaine


  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    May 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    .

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Liza ,

      I take it that means something good....I'll take it nonetheless girl. I've missed your comments. And I haven't been a very good reader of yours either.

      All the best ,
      James


  • Kalima
    May 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    I'am just speechless. You are truly amazing with your words, and have always inspired me! Stacey:

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Stacey ,

      Hey thanks. I'm glad I inspire my readers to some extent. Always appreciate when you stop in.

      Love ya ,
      James


  • Jaden silver member
    May 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful writing James. Top notch.


    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Jaden ,

      Thank you sir. Always love when you stop in.

      Take care and much love ,
      James


  • bw43
    May 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i like the name of your list. LoL.

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Rebecca ,

      Thanks. I thought of it awhile back while I was dabbling with things on here...Funny that you should mention it. I'm just glad that I was even able to figure out a palce to put new poems. I have obsessive issues when it comes to putting things nicely together. Go figure as a poet, Right?

      Love ya ,
      James


  • TerrifiedSky silver member
    May 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, very thought provoking. If I thought it would do justice I would leave my thoughts, I just, yeah. I love this though....

    the riverbed outside
    becomes a selfish mouth of water
    fish corpses and fog

    ... it makes me think, more along the lines of me right now... only, rotting corpse is me.

    Much love,
    Jessica

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Jessica ,

      You are not a corpse. If I could I'd you. I know that life gets you down sometimes , But I'm always here to talk with you when you want. Might not be able to give you great advice , But I can try. Seriously I love when you stop in. You have no idea what it was like while you were away.

      Love always girl ,
      James


  • neurosine gold member
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Certainly an alpha state piece. The only possible suggestion is to change deterioration of rumor into rumor of deterioration. It seems more soft and subtle and in line with the piece. No critiques whatsoever from this corner. Good read for first thing in the morning, before the sun is up.

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      neurosine ,

      Well , Hello there. I will take your critique into consideration for further changes , Etc...I usually write down all helpful comments for later on when I look back on what people said. So yes , It could certainly end up being that in the future. Good eye all in all sir.

      I hope you are well otherwise.

      Take care ,
      James

  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This reminds of a backlash, like watching the water form a wave and the wave washing away the feeling. The metaphor is consistent and your words are tangible, actually while reading this I felt that I could reach out and touch it.

    Excellent piece James.

    -Melissa

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Mel ,

      Hey there girl. I'm glad that you felt the poem was so alive...It was certainly what I was going for. I didn't want it to be too tagible though , As the emotions make a more complex graph...But I didn't want to put too much distance between the reader and the writer....Glad I nailed it on the head I guess.

      Glad you stopped in. I appreciate it very much.

      Talk more later ,
      james


  • maria
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    as floating lights extinguish
    the ark of slumber


    James, I think this poem is a bit different from you. I like coming here to read your poems because I know I can say anything I want without feeling as if I shouldn't have said that. This piece is definitely different. Let me see if I can figure out why. If it is an older poem, then I will say that your voice is as strong as ever, and beautiful. I especially like the last strophe. I feel your voice is strongest there. This is my picture ... I am on a train looking out the window ... it is always an amazing experience ... looking into the air. You never see what you really want to, there is always a sharp melancholy note, but, as you say, at least there is a something out there that captures your eyes, your imagination, your heart. The view outside the hotel, and the picture of the me and you, full of melancholic knowledge of being there and not, just like the frogs. The riverbed is lovely.

    Maria



    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      maria ,

      And you would be right dear. The reason why this may feel different for you is because I just recently was dealing with another style and decided to expand this particular poem further...Which is not something I usually do. I think the poem itself is coming from a different place for me also. Most people would not realize it if they had not been reading me for awhile like you have. It's that poet eye that guided you to see these things , I think. And it's not an older poem actually , Written fresh for the contest as it didn't allow pre-writes.

      What I love about your comments is your individual voice and interpretations. Not many people can contemplate a persons poetry without sounding semi-abstract...You can do it though. Which shouldn't surprise we in the least. We have shared a lot of memories and moments here on allpoetry and for that I am forever grateful. Just getting a comment from you is whimsical and wholesome. Our lives may be incredibly different , But our souls are not far from the same construction. You bleed and I bleed. What more is there?

      Lovely comment dear.

      Love ,
      James


  • Desire gold member
    May 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Wow!!

    Powerful piece penned my Friend

    ~*~
    the riverbed outside
    becomes a selfish mouth of water
    fish corpses and fog
    ~*~

    What images You bring to the Mind~
    stains where the emotions come in tow...
    felt in each line!

    Thank You for sharing Your Talent!

    Best wishes to You in the contest
    Many blessings too
    and much love~ Desire~*~

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Desire ,

      Hey there. Glad you enjoyed it. And I thank you for reading me...There would be no point without readers. My hat comes off to you as well.

      All the best and take care ,
      James


  • slaughter
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    As always dear, I love this. I've read all of your poems and each one is an entirely new experience.

    But you already know how I feel, so I don't need to go into a huge rant.

    Love you.

  • Nicole Hanna
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is purdy. I hate reading pieces like this, because I simply can't critique what I consider better than my own writing. lol. Probably the only suggest I could even attempt to make would be to leave out the "(not yet able to fly)" since smallest birds kind of hints at the baby-can't-fly scenario. Really, that's a tiny thing though, and there is not a single wasted word anywhere in this poem, so who am I to quibble about such things? Probably because of its simplicity amidst such powerful lines "a fresh shelf" is my absolute favorite.

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Nicole ,

      Well , It was certainly a nice surprise to log in and see a lovely comment from you dear. It's been awhile...Far too long in my opinion. Now , I'm not good at getting compliments on some levels , So I'll say...You made me blush. Hopefully that puts across the point that your words hit home. As for being better than you? You know you are on the same level and you have never let this poet down with your poetry. And I have been reading you for quite a little bit now. What's it been? Like three years or so? I know it's been longer than it seems. I'm going to take your advice into consideration and think about that line in brackets....Not sure if it will stay or not , But I thank you for bringing it to my attention. I'm afraid if I remove it though something will be lost. I'll just sit on the idea for a little bit I guess.

      Again , I'm just happy to see a comment from you. It's nice to be able to have people stop in and read.

      Thanks doll ,
      James


  • SliptheFlitch
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Lovelovelove this!

    It's fucking amazing. I love the imagery, the thought, everything!!! ^.^

    My favorite part was this:

    the riverbed outside

    becomes a selfish mouth of water

    fish corpses and fog


    that was just fucking awesome!

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      sliptheflitch ,

      Well...Those are some strong thoughts you have on my piece. Glad I brought the honesty out of you ( swears included ). Promise I'll stop by your end of the writing world very soon. I've missed reading your work.

      Always ,
      James


  • Night Hope gold member
    May 2, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "I watch shadows crook
    like a fresh self
    as floating lights extinguish
    the ark of slumber"

    Yesss...The refrain of a vessel so hollowed, it echos only silence. Good luck in the contest, my Friend... Wanda

    • jaunty pill gold member
      May 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Wanda ,

      Thank you sweetheart. It's wonderful to hear from you again...Everything good? I hate to ask questions like that on my poem , But my IM was down for a little bit , So , Go figure...lol.

      Glad you enjoyed it. You always know how to make this poet smile.

      Love ,
      James


      • Night Hope gold member
        May 2, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        I'm ok, Sweetie. You've always brought your smiles to me, as well.

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