He waved a cold hand,
bidding them,
come.
The water rolling in short chops,
washing over his tanned, sagging skin.
"Its been 3 days, why so long? I saw the the boats, tried to yell to them to come to me, they couldn't hear, I choked on the water in my throat."
White plastic sheet, flapping, flapping,flapping in the wind,
covering the litter,
ready to perform its one and only task.
Along side we came and confirmed;
"Yep, a floater."
And set to task to retrieve the body,
one hand frozen, raised, waving,
bidding us come.
But alas, too late.
Winds blew his boat away,
as he foundered in the bay,
too weak to catch the drifting boat.
He sank, waving, bidding us come,
Alas, too late.
A contest entry
- Empty Vessel by Heart Sutra.
950 points, ended May 17, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Thank you for sharing your poem with the contest.
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This is such an incredibly literal interpretation of the contest theme... Empty Vessel indeed, nice
thanks for the entry
al -
This is very unique in subject and the imagery you created here is wonderfully done. You seem to have a knack for bringing the reader into your work with a sensory explosion. Great write!
~Lori
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What a powerful poem. I am a little confused about the length of the speech... it varies from the rest. Perhaps a break and then put the quotation in italics, perhaps....
""Its been 3 days, why so long?
I saw the the boats,
tried to yell to them to come to me,
they couldn't hear,
I choked on the water in my throat."
Then a space again, to let that voice sink in as choppily as the water that took him.
What do you think?
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yes you m ight be right Shewolfe, thanks so much for the suggestions, and taking the time to read and comment,
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Oh this is a sad and well structured tale, something different, which I like to read, it is full of wxpressions, "yep a floater," not a nice way to go though,
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Thanks Ronnica,no its not and its in a way worse to recover them
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Apart from the word "now" at the end of line five, which to me is unneccessary, I really like this piece. I was captured from the first word and held until the end only to be left wondering how and why he was in the water. I hope this does well in the contest. Val
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This a starcrossed poem, too late to save a life and I hope you get a trophy for this. Good Luck
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Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on this piece
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This is a tragic tale, too late to save a soul and to have to live with the thought, a sad write my friend,
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Thanks C, a true tale and a daily haunt, thanks for taking the time to read and comment
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