Story In Red

Here I am thinking about you again,
So many times you've motivated my pen,
I pray this is the last time it overpowers my hand
Because I don't want to be affected by you anymore
Enough to retreat to my room, the lock in place on the door
I don't want to but wonder if the lock's to keep you out or me in,
It's a battle of weaknesses, there's no strength to win.
No strength to reject you when you enter my mind,
But, dear God! I've killed you so many times.
Each time it's more difficult to wash the blood from my hands,
Now they're stained with our story, it stands out like a brand.
I feel so damned helpless, so sad and so small,
Too attached to you to run, and too proud to crawl
I feel so worthless, so stuck and alone,
Too strange in a crowd, too scared on my own.
I'm so goddam guilty, so mean and so cold,
Too hurt to be gentle, too unsure to be bold.
You say you can't forgive me, we can't end this right.
I'm so fucking weak, I don't want to fight
Especially against the first love of my life.