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A Samurai

A samurai in a desolate land
His life is dreary until he fights
another man.

His heart bleeds from the
taking others lives but he can
not stop.

The rush,
The smell
The sound of the blades ,
They call him to battle.

A samurai that must kill
to stay sane.

And forevermore his blade will strike
other for,

The rush
The smell
The sound of the blades
That call him to battle.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • bethan-gaze
    June 11, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    And I thought they were the good guys ...


  • tinuelena
    June 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Lots of potential

    This is an interesting subject, definitely one that is not hit upon too often.

    I like the third verse, but I don't know if I like the repetition of it. I feel that there isn't enough text in the poem to merit a repetition. I like it better as the last verse; it's very effective and provides a nice ending.

    You have some good descriptors here-- "desolate land," for one, and I really like the conundrum of having to kill to stay sane though it really is driving him insane (as you tell us with the lines about his heart bleeding. Also, I don't think you need "the" in line 4.)

    I don't think you need to say "forevermore," it sounds a bit too Edgar Allan Poe for this poem... you'd probably be fine with just "forever."

    At any rate, this poem has definite potential. I think with some editing, if you play around with it a little bit, it could really improve. What a great idea though! You've effectively created a character that the reader can be interested in. I feel as though a novel could be written about this samurai!

    Elizabeth


  • Bazza
    May 15, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Fearsome

    A rather scary picture has formed of flashing slashing steel that envelopes the mind striking fear.


  • theredcatjazzoflove gold member
    May 8, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    SO SO SO SO MUCH BETTER

    O MY GOD. THIS POEM IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE OTHERS I HOPE I AM NOT BEING TO NEGATIVE TOWARDS YOU CAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO IMPLY. BUT THIS POEM IS GREAT AND YOUR PLOTS FOLLOWED. LOVE SISTA!!!


  • The Cube
    May 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Good, very good perspective of the Samurai. Only, the picture I provided is of Itachi, who is a ninja. Back in the ninja era during feudal Japan, Samurai were considered the enemy of the ninja. Ha, so this is definately abstract to the contest. Nice work.

1 - 5 of 5