Eyes sway back and forth looking for recognition.
Lost and disillusioned in this American dream.
They smile at the great destruction of the soul king.
The old who are young wake up tired from beds of stone.
They mouth words to the wary watcher who can not speak.
The old one transforms too many other ghost souls.
They try flicking on lighters to light their ash pain.
Mommy daddy I woke up today their eager eyes cry out.
No one is there to hear their cry, because the world is not the same.
They are invisible in a land built by ash.
They attempt to take razors to their face and shave away age.
They are all ready mostly gone hope exploded in space.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Interesting ive never read any thing like that
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Hmm.. This is nice...But I seem to have gotten lost half way through...I'm not really sure what point you wanted to come across in your poem. You're punctuation needs a bit of work, but I see someone already coverd that issue. Nice job though!
=)
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I liked it- especially the ending. But i was a little confused to be honest. I kinda got lost halfway. I didn't really know what you were trying to get across....
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Good.
OK. Honest feedback. Punctuation first. "American Dream" should be in single quotes if it's so-called, as you seem to allude to it being, with the word, "this" preceeding it (which would perhaps indicate a bit of sarcasm, when viewed in conjunction with "disillusioned"), and "dream" is capitalized because it is now part of a single so-called concept of a proper noun. This would leave you with 'American Dream', followed by a comma, to connect this line with the next, as neither stand on their own as complete sentences. "soul king" can stay as is if the king is the king of souls, but based upon the context, it seems as if you intend "the soul king" (rather than A 'soul king') to be a character refered to by others as "the soul king", effectively changing the description of 'a soul king' to the name (proper noun) of '(The, if you so wished it as a prefix indicating title before-) Soul King', which would be without quotes were it a name. Understanding that this may detract from your focus upon the destruction of "the soul king", you may wish to turn "the great destruction" in to a pronoun, in the naming of an event that will for generations be spoken of, which would turn it in to "(The, optional, again) Great Destruction". I believe you meant 'in' or 'on' beds of stone, as from would indicate that "beds of stone" is a phrase representative of a verb. "the old one" would be capitalized to seperate it from the "the old who are young", so as to set this one aside as different than the rest, unless you were to change the wording to 'eldest one'. Ghost souls should be in single quotes, as so-called, or with capitalization to further define them by name as a singular collective rather than group of which they are part, or, should be changed to 'ghostly souls', 'ghosts of souls', 'souls of ghosts', et cetera, as two nouns never fit together in such a way without being a so-called phrase or proper name. Additionally, if the "old one" is transforming IN TO ghostly souls or whatever, then you should use 'to' in stead of 'too', and use an 'in' before it. "ash pain" should be 'ashen pain', 'ash of pain', 'ash of pains', or 'pain of ashes', unless, well, you know... Single quotes or capitalization (or, you know, both, if it is a name used by only some)... The eight line should be:
"Mommy! Daddy! I woke up, today!", their eager eyes cry out.
Technically, "because" should be followed by a comma, but common verbal use is starting to weaken this rule of a pause after the word, so our writing is beginning to reflect our spoken word in this instance. At this current point in time, "because" should be followed with a comma if, and only if, this is not intended to be read aloud, as the intention of a comma is essentially to seperate sentence segments wth pauses for use during speech. It's freakin' retarded. I know. Just telling you, cuz you went to the trouble of promoting it, asking for honest comments, indicating that you want this to be the best it can be. If you do, add the comma. Your call. "built by ash" should be something like 'built WITH ash', or something similar, as "ash" isn't the person that built the land, unless 'ash' is 'Ash'. "all ready", as I believe you meant it, would be 'already', unless you meant that they really are, "all ready", which would then mean that those two words should be immediately followed with a comma, and, additionally to make the rest of the line work, another comma is necessary between "gone" and "hope", and unless the concept of hope was exploded in space, then it would have to be "their" hope exploded in space. It would look like one of these lines:
They are already mostly gone, hope exploded in space.
They are already mostly gone, their hope exploded in space.
They are all ready, mostly gone, hope exploded in space.
They are all ready, mostly gone, their hope exploded in space.
I hope to GOD that that sort of critical critiquing of a literary critic is the sort of thing you desired, cuz that was a pain... I know that I didn't capitalize the quoted words at the beginning of sentences, but, because I was explaining the weird rules of capitalization like no third grade teacher ever efficiently could, I needed to do it the way I did it so as not to confuse any further... Moving on...
Your imagery is awesome. "Space" is a great contrast to the "light" in "lighters", "old" with "age", blah blah blah... The destruction being mentionable supports the notion of a strong "king", which contrasts the frailty and hopelessness conveyed by the general tone of the poem. The repetition of "ash" conveys the notion of decay, which, because the last word is "space", fits perfectly.
Your twelve line structure of three quatrains is classic, and is seldom pulled off as you have done, in such a way that does not seem incomplete rhythmically or in regard to content. Well done in that respect. Most people pair the first and second stanzas, leaving the third to stand on it's own, which rarely works unless spoken aloud to a very specific rhythm. I couldn't really hear this in a song, because of the unique syllabic structure, consistenting mostly of lines containing twelve syllables with the occassional 13, 14, 15, or 16/17 (depending on how you say "world"), but because the syllabic structure degenerates slowly throughout the poem, that may actually have helped with the overall rhythm, flow, and structure, in tying the first stanza to the second with close number of syllables of the first three of the second to the entirety of the first, and tying the second stanza to the third with the last line of the second and the first line of the third being close in number of syllables.
The diction, that is, the language you chose to use in writing this, was consistent (with the exception of the eighth line, which is an exception because it is a quotation, and which I feel truly lends itself to the poem as a tool used to accenuate and draw attention to the tone and diction which the poem was written in) which helps with overall flow and content absorption.
Overall, you did a great job, and these are, of course, only suggestions in the form of constructive criticism in the positive and negative feedback, which I hope that you do appreciate and use to some extent.
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wow i have never really read anything like this before but its good
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Okay, I can usually figure the deep one's out, I'm not sure I'm grasping this one.....my first impression is that they are waking up in hell,,,I gather that because of the line...they are invisible in a land built by ash...I know it is a dream, but who are the young waking up tired from beds of stone and the Mommy daddy I woke up today their eager eyes cry out
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I'm not really sure what to make of this. I know there's something deep here that I'm just not getting. I really like the line about "they attempt to take razors to their face and shave away age." That is so cool. I love that imagery. Even though I don't understand this work, I enjoyed reading it. It made me think. Keep up the good work!
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