I'm the fucking bastard
The child beat by his father
I'm the one who prays at night
My prayers are disregarded.
I'd give myself
Just to make you happy
Turn around the time
To hold you and be sappy.
Throw away the key
Under Londons bridges
Take your hand
Run across the river
Eat your mother's cooking
Delicious as it is
But end my life tommorrow night
I'm a dying son of a bitch.
We see: Trains
Coming at our car window
The floods from heaven
Beating on the sidewalk
Open up the door dear
Let us go for a walk.
It seems the lava flow around us
Can separate our kisses and make us break
While I am this fucking wretch hiding in the backseat
The door disinigrates and we are taken over.
To Hell with my body
To Hell with my mind
It seems I'm going no where
Cept on a journey thine.
Life is this fucking river
We've floated down again
It seems I was a bug before
I fucking became a man.
Dream a sideways dream
Hiding in my bed
Dripping from the ceiling
Beating on my head.
Naked in the dark
Cold and all alone
I am walking slowly
Beaten to the bone.
Let us walk together
Run we will to the East
Breathing has become a silver bar
Dancing around us
HEATHEN!
BEATEN!
BROKEN!
DEMON.
Welcome to the journey
As I exit my mother's womb.
Don't know this fucking world
Is gonna sacrafice my heart.
Don't know where I'm going
Now that I'm standing here today
I'll overlook these mountain tops
And peer down at the bay.
Will you come and be with me?
Will you remain my friend?
Am I to fall asleep tonight
Without you, all alone?
Author notes
LOTS OF SWEARING WARNING. Speaks for itself.
Also thought I'd add this is a song I wrote and enjoy singing (when no ones around).
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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A passionate display
The others who have commented make some good suggestions.
In an effort to address an aspect yet unmentioned, the dialect of the poem, the conversational tone is a bit distracting in that I am not sure if it was implemented on purpose. If so, then disregard this reflection. However, there are times when I feel that the, almost ranting tone holds the emotion punch of the poem at bay.
I am not a fan of profanity, so I have no suggestion one way or the other. Though I thought Bapudi made a good point.
Blessings,
C
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this is fucking awesomeness.. great job.. the emotion is very powerful... Great!!!!!!!!! Love this alot... WOW!! Heather
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The emotion in this is so...twisted, and hurt. I pictured everything, mixed up. I was reading close to the edge of my seat, and visualizing it the whole way. Well done.
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this is a great song. i love your emotion and anger you broght into this piece. and i think your swearing is good in this poem because it brings all the life into the poem. it brings the emotion and the anger. great write!!
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definately a song
I really liked this. I could tell it was a song from the beginning, even before reading your notes. It's very lyrical, and you have some interesting rhymes. I really liked the rhyme between "bridges" and "delicious as it is" in the second stanza. The first half of the poem worked better for me. The stanza that starts "naked in the dark" didn't work for me, it seemed like something I'd read before, and the last three or four stanzas kind of got mushy for me, not as muscular and interesting as the beginning. Also, I'm not sure that it's necessary to say "fucking" so much. Don't get me wrong: I love swearing. I think curse words have magical powers. But you use up the power and mute it by overusing. Maybe just pick two instances? Just my opinion. But nice poem, keep it up!
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This was a good piece, it was full of anger and emotion that was easily picked up. It's also ok that you did swear in this piece, I find it to be sort of a venting poem. I enjoyed reading it though to. I like those poems that are full of raw emotions. Nicely done my dear.
~~~Vampy~~~ -
I was a little confused in the beginning as to wether or not this was intended to be a rhyming poem, because it seemed to come and go in spurts, and the inconsistency interrupted the flow. However, you have some incredibly strong emotional content here, and the reference to childhood things (ie london bridges) really incorporates a great sense of innocense that is then tarnished by the harsh reality of life. I'm not a big fan of the swearing, which seemed to be for the sake of swearing, without really adding to the impact of the message being addressed here. Otherwise, though, the mid part of this poem was definitely my favorite, and I just soared through it with much enjoyment
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