I lay awake in my darkened tomb
Dreaming of lakes of fire
Skipping through imagination's womb
And hiding dark desire
Where crystals of Alexandrite lie
Where the miserable mortals cry
Surrounded by the blackened cloud
Where sobs are silent
And screams are loud
Where the people wonder where their life went
And morbid thoughts twist in the mind
Where hatred spews and love is blind
In my darkened tomb on my own
Left to rot for eternity alone
Disregarded by my own black heart
Because I've torn my soul apart
Waiting in the black abyss
To taste the crimson "candy"
Through the desperate mists
And the drugs are handy
Yearning for running blood
Spouting from those disturbed veins
In gashing flood
And the wide-eyed and shallow pains
Are released in secret pleasure
That has no extent; no measure
In my darkened tomb I lay
Hidden from the golden rays of day
Praying for the serenity of night
To take away my immature fright
And this depressing scene
Is what I call my life
Forever in immortality so unclean
With impaling blade and sharpened knife
In my darkened tomb I yearn
But love I'll never learn
I care too much for lust
To give into trust
These fragile bonds I'm bound to break
Here lies my fucking fate.
Author notes
option 1= depression
entrapped in my crystal prison called life.
A contest entry
- Entrapment by babi.
800 points, ended June 11, 2007, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Good luck!! by Repetitious Chaos.
1750 points, ended September 26, 2007, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Unique Poetry by nikkia.
600 points, ended April 14, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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this was a very well written piece. you can feel the emotion and pain in it. you expressed yourself with such eloquence. great choice of words and the ending was so profound, i loved it. thank you for the entry and good luck in the contest
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well done, a few reaches for the rhyme, but overall quite good, expression is difficult in rhyme and meter, but this poem does very well, well chosen words carry the narration; overall very well done...PK
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This glimpse inside a disturbed mind
is quite familiar. And you expressed it well.
I like the language, but the flow was a little off
in my opinion. I read it twice to make sure it wasn't just me, and liked this piece more the second time.. however, it was still a little hard to read.
Good luck, Dear Poet, and may the ink in your pen flow freely!
~Chaos
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Quite Interesting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was an interesting point of view, not really my favorite style of poetry, maening I like things on the lighter side but it doesn't mean Ididn't like it as I did.I see so much of the poets on this site dealing with life like this being depressed, some even condsiering ending their life. But life can through many a curve ball and I'd be lying if I said I never thought about how easy it would be to just go into heaven with God an leave this life behind, but never considered suicide though. You wrote this well and provoked alot of thought in me tonight!!! Thanks for sharing!!!~~Toni~~
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We use strong language to draw attention, but...
Sometimes the strength of the language is so out of character with the rest of what we have written it is like a boulder in the middle of an otherwise smoothe racetrack. I was totally thrown off by the last line. It was so out of character with the rest of the work. I know that it is your inspiration and you have the right and the need even to do with it as you desire. But I think that if you reread the poem and leave the strong attention drawing word out of the last line you may see that it really doesn't need it and works better without it. Do you see how the word that I speak of draws attention away from what I am saying without ever using it at all?
outside of that I have no real criticism I rather like it and wish you would take it to the next level.
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this is a really cool piece, for some reason it brings to mind vampires, no offence intended or anything thats just what popped into my head as i was reading. excellent rhyme pattern and fantastic imagery. i love it! especially the last stanza that says everything t needs to
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me gusta
well kid, ive definitly lived in this place for a while, and i didnt like it too much.
i checked out a bit early.
i really love the imagery in this poem.
<3 xXshotXx
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To taste the crimson "candy"
Through the desperate mists
that was the best line. idky but i really liked that
this had a lot of pain typed into it. i can tell you worked hard on this and it shows.... i alos like the the authors noted\s that said entrapped in my crystal prison called life... i like that ... very powerful :0 -
The rythm and rhyming are good, but the emotion and imagery are excellent. The repetition of " In my darkened tomb" really help to express the feeling of helplessness and futility.
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Fate, first of all i loved the title, i wasn't expecting such a morbid poem but that by no means is a bad thing, so dark, so powerful and so imaginative the scenes that you have described. The last five lines
"But love I'll never learn
I care too much for lust
To give into trust
These fragile bonds I'm bound to break
Here lies my fucking fate."
very powerful, like you're tellng the whole world to get lost, like you're so pissed off with everyone and everything, you have nothing to be grateful or nice for if this is your fate. I found the imagery of the cave very useful, like you're in your own world, you're in control of you but not of what is come to pass. The way you have used blood and weapons i found effective like you've embraced your fate but are not such a fool to just let it happen, you have the overall say and you are the judge. Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest babi xxx
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you know how much i love your writing.This piece is so in my top favorites!! Love ya girly...never stop writing okay...that would be the death of me!!!!! Your writing is my inspiration...
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this is an absolute awesome write!!the description and emotion in this is so strong and powerful!! I think the best thing that you have going for this poem the the stong use of descriptive language, it really is so different and powerful.
the ending is really strong, awesome way to end it.
great write,
thanks for entering and goodluck
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this was a great write..your words were powerful strong and emotional as well...i really enjoyed reading this...keep writting your talented and good luck in the contest..
~Chrissy~
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