God,
Ultimate Facade,
falsifies all;
For nothing is as it seems.
Heaven's happiness
on my collarbone
is one biting breeze.
Furry smears of yellow
amidst the kelly green
are just weeds.
And despite public consensus,
this carefree laugh
is simply another form of grief.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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well done
first off the title is great for this poem. it really sets up what the rest of your poem is about. i liked how the poem seemed like just jotting down thoughts. its what makes it unique. honestly i think this poem is good the way it is. if i were you i wouldnt change anything about it.
. Rewarded 6
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Pretty good.
First off, I like the title quite a bit.
Reading back over this, I find an appreciation for your use of three lined stanzas. Being a lyricist, as well as having a strong need for a sense of symmetry, I find it very hard to write in (as well as read) three lines stanzas, but you manage to draw me in and pull it off very well.
Also, you flow very well, almost in a 'haiku' like fashion. So much so that I went back and counted syllables to see if there was some sort of form to the whole thing. Major kudos on that. Flows very well.
You also provide rhyme, which is another element that keeps me drawn into the whole thing and adds effect and depth to the end of each stanza, providing a chance for the final words to reverberate within my mind.
Great stuff. I wouldn't change a thing personally aside from where a few commas were left out, but that's solely just a preference and wouldn't really effect the poem (plus, I think you left the commas out for a good reason), so honestly, there's nothing I see that needs any revision. Short and sweet, yet full of depth. Excellent title, use of rhyme, as well as rhythm and flow.
Great job.
. Rewarded 8
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thank you leth for your in-depth analysis and consideration of my poem. I appreciate that you took the time to read and comment on my piece and I am glad you enjoyed it!
Arielle -
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No porlbme at all. I'm pleased to read your work Excellent stuff.
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neat
Nice title. Pen you paper, you get the smooth flow of words, that make this poem interesting. I loved the way you talked about God and hevans happiness.
. Rewarded 4
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deep cover up god write
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"Heaven's happiness
on my collarbone
is one biting breeze."
Absolutely beautiful. Nice imagery and word choice. -
Great title, it really captures the attention and love the image of it being a 'biting breeze'. I'm not too sure what all of this actually means but perhaps I'm being too literal. Having said that, the imagery is very effective throughout and your final stanza is particularly searing. I liked the way you depict how we wear masks to hide our true feelings. An interesting and original write, always good to read something different, thanks for sharing.
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Very good! The first stanza is my absolute favorite! You did a phenomenal job with this. The imagery is there, and it's pretty good
Keep it up!
The One and Only...
~Lynn Jones
. Rewarded 4
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good
i think this is realy good and i like the first stanza alot because nothing is as it seams and i like the imigery in the second one'biting breeze' i can almost feel the coldness i life the smears of yellow and kelly green and laughing is just a cover up for greef keep righting and i vowed i say something i didn't like but i can't find anything i loved the whole thing
. Rewarded 6
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Nice. For starters, good title, I have to say. The first stanza to me seems to say that the general image of "God" is a rather pathetic way of trying to simplify the wonderous universe in which we exist. I like this idea. In general, though, I like the language use. It's simple in a clear way which doesn't undermine intellectuality.
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I like your vocabulary; it isn't cheesy or contrived. It's a bit cynical and I like that- too many writers here write long, bumbling odes to "God." Good work.
Love, Black-Moon -
Great title, very interesting images. I love stanzas 2, 3 and 4 most. The first feels a bit too trite. But overall, I think this is a tremendous piece of writing. Well done.
. Rewarded 4
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Love your title,
very interesting piece, you have penned here.
You speak your mind and there is nothing wrong
with that, as a matter-of-fact that's a good thing.
Nice Writing.
loveandblessings2u & yours always
Joyce
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This carefree laugh is just another form of grief... It is so true. This is rall well written and I love the way that you mention yellow which is brought out in the colour of the writing... I enjoyed reading this
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Your perceptions are very intersting, and you expressed them in a creative manner. I observe and appreciate the fact that you speak your mind in such a artistic way.....Over-all, I really liked your poem. Good work!!!
. Rewarded 4
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i may say, that there are many poems and writings on this subject: the sadness hidden behind something that seems alike happiness, however, I liked the way you wrote about it, so i consider this to be a good poem overall, mainly because of the way you use your words, the form, and achievieng the passing on of your feelings to the reader.
I loved the ending: "And despite public consensus,
this carefree laugh
is simply another form of grief."
. Rewarded 8
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