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Fossilized

 



Sight unhindered by sun's rays,
we - twinned hunters - 
target prey for

a doubled death blow.

 

Crouched in grassed camouflage,

powerful puncturing jaws salivate

as our eyes spied

scarce meal tickets approach.

 

Mastodon scented breeze
taunts nasal passage
to signal our break away;
zero to sixty,

cheetah speed released
with primal mindset
on a mammoth buffet.

 

Executed in a single strike,

serrated incisors
plunge four inches deep,
violating delicate jugular
of our pack's long awaited feast.

 

Cub-filled dens cried

in hunger as starvation drew

our final breathes as

preyed upon meals fall from

existence.

 

Snowy Tundra,
once inhabited with our families
now lays riddled with our bones;

the only proof left

of our ever being.


Author notes

The animal spoken of is the extinct Homotherium aka American Scimitar.

Homotherium is related to and resemble the sabertooth of yesterday and the lions, cheetahs, tigers and hyenas of today.

Their main prey(staple of food) were mastodons, mammoths, elephants, rhinos, hippos and other tough skinned creatures of the like.

Homotherium were know to inhabit areas as far south as the grassy areas of Texas to the far north as snowy Tundra. They existed up until about 10,000 yrs ago.

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Cupcrazy gold member
    May 9, 2007

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    Excellent piece, great description and phrasing. I loved the vibrant imagry of this piece. It was dark and stark, but yet it was reality and life as it is, take it or leave it. Excellent work. Thanks for this fine entry. Hugs, Bunny


  • ten thousand cicadas gold member
    May 9, 2007

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    Some really terrific expression and description. Each stanza on its own is fabulous little poem, but there was a very awkward break in the middle. It was like two separate poems, one about a hunt, and one about a waning species. Some sort of transition stanza would have been nice and it wouldn't have taken away from the stark contrast in the first couple of stanzas and the ones at the end when the species was dying out.
    Really nice poem!!

  • marrow
    May 6, 2007

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    of all the entries i have read this round, this is in the top few of them. you are going nowhere, i assure you. i can actually remember some images of yours/ lines, and that is more than many other entries.

    justin


  • Moons Lunar Angel
    May 1, 2007

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    poor elephant LOL that's all I could think about !!! Well written sure to be a winner.
    Love Lil


  • JeannieD Hunter gold member
    April 30, 2007

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    Absolutely brilliant! The incredible imagery and then the emotion of their demise at the end. This is really an interesting write as well. I didn't realize they existed as few as 10,000 years ago. That is nothing compared to the age of the universe. Good luck in the contest...The woman are gonna win!!

    Jeannie

  • in-the-twilight
    April 30, 2007

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    ooooooo... Auntie Bel this is amazing! I like it... the picture at the top is wow as well! Rock on! xoxo Meg


  • Hadji Murad
    April 30, 2007

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    Hmmmm

    Captivation: 160: This was slightly challenging to read simply because I had no idea what it was about. You did a great job of holding my interest though. My main qualm is the stanzas. While there is variation, they're kind of long and slightly overwhelming to a mind trying to make it through the piece. This is a long piece. I would recommend breaking the stanzas up and varying them. That can also serve the purpose of emphasis: A single line placed on it's own works very nicely. I would try to emphasize the important lines. Also, perhaps some organization so the poem works towards a climax. I personally didn't feel as if this poem was building me up towards anything in particular.

    Use of language: 100: A stellar use of grammar, punctuation and words.

    Use of devices: 360: The imagery is raw and lovely and I noticed some cool internal rhyme. Some great metaphors, too.

    Flow: 50: No noticeable stumblings in the flow.

    Theme: 100: A very impressive topic choice for this round. You executed it nicely, too.

    Emotion: 100: There are many wonderful lines that are truly memorable and remarkable.

    Executed in a single strike,

    serrated incisors
    plunge four inches deep,

    I personally loved those lines.

    There was a great poignancy and rawness to them, as in the entire poem.

    Form: 45: I do feel there could be some slight variation. Overall though, very nice.

    Total: 955/1000

    Final notes: Overall a very impressive poem that is really quite stellar. I do hope Justin scores you high on this write. It is very nice. I do feel there are some things that could be fine-tuned, but overall this is great.


    • Celticmoon
      April 30, 2007
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      May be eventually I'll play with it but for a first time personification piece.....eh....I'm happy with it. I honestly wasn't sure I would get it written.


  • purpledragonfly
    April 30, 2007
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    What imagery !!! great write! Betsy


  • lavender shadows
    April 30, 2007

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    Mhm, I very much like this. You've personified the animal wonderfully, with such vivid imagery. I especially love "Mastodon scented breeze" - I don't know why, but that really struck me, lol. And ya, if they haven't been seen in 10 000 years, I think they're pretty extinct by now. This is awesome, Mom.


    • Celticmoon
      April 30, 2007
      Edit | Reply


      not bad I guess for having written personification for the first time

      • lavender shadows
        April 30, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        wait a sec... you've made people do personifications in your challenges, but you've never done any yourself before this?

        lol

1 - 13 of 13