In your eyes
This deep passion beneath your lips
is making me die on the inside
This doorment,
This lay-ment of my heart
Came from out of nowhere
And I've said and done my part
From the down and lonely
This etchy tune in my head
Only reminds me of another repeated tragedy..
Even if I look,
Even if I stare,
Even if I close my eyes,
I can still hear your voice
and Its calming me like the wind
But nothing compares to the subtlety
of those eyes
That blind me, yet I cant seem to look away
And everything that follows this is more than I can say
No matter how I'm feeling
No matter if my mood is up or down
Your cunning eyes
seem to pierce mine
And I cant seem to hate you..
I'm forced to love
I'm forced to obey
I'm forced to sink into you..
Your eyes are so contagious
I just wanna melt
Your eyes are so defined
its hard not to wanna caress your face
With my lips pressed against yours
your tongue wrapped around mine and not a moment to lose
This blissful contagious warm wetness
is just the appetizer
Because I cant seem to close my eyes
I just wanna stare,
I just wanna see you staring back at me..
And no one else but.
I'll love you forever and ever
no matter what
Just tell me that you love me too
And I promise everything will be fine
I'm about to break on what your supposed to do
but I cant stand it, I wont let it
But it seems I cant do a damn thing
because I am stopped..
in my tracks before I can say anything
and I've lost my place
By those eyes
Your eyes...
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A contest entry
- Look Into Her Eyes by alta evans.
450 points, ended May 10, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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this is gold.. pure gold.. brilliant write, you are incredibly amazing! keep writing!!!
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This is sooo beautiful. Truly gorgeous!! I've often felt this with the one's I've loved too!! You're awesome!!
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My eyes...
Blinded by the thought of losing everything Ive worked so hard for...
And forgetting what is real...
I look into your eyes and I can't feel... I love you....<3
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whoa.... this is fantastic!
alota emotion..
from what i have read of urs recently.. love seems to cause alot of trouble for you?
love this bro
xox
NicotineWhorexx
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lol indeed it does! alot of it! and I kinda wish it wasnt such a big deal for me, but o well
Thanx
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this is a good poem keep up the good work. thanks for entering my contest.
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"From the down and lonley" - "lonley" would be "lonely". Perhaps a mistype?
"and Its calming me like the wind" - "its" would be "it's" as in "and it is calming me..."
"That blind me, yet I cant seem to look away.." - "cant" is an actual word, it means having the slant of a bevel - I don't think that's what you mean, so I would add the apostrophe: 'can't'. Apostrophes are our friend.
Also, ellipses are 3, perhaps 4, not 2.
"its hard not to wanna caress your face" - you use the apostrophe in "I'm, I've" you should use them in the other words they should be in use, as well. "its" should be "it's".
"Because I cant seem to close my eyes" - "cant" is "can't", as referenced above.
"And no one else but." - I would suggest removing the period and replacing it with a em dash — .. or remove the "but" and period.
"but I cant stand it, I wont let it" - the "but" at the beginning is a filler-start, it's not needed. I would suggest removing it. Also, "cant" is "can't" and "wont" is "won't".
"But it seems I cant do a damn thing
because I am stopped.."
"cant" in the first line is "can't" and you do not need the ellipses at the end of the second since it works just as well as an enjambment (with pause) with the next line.
Your last two lines aren't needed but if you keep them you should correct the "Its" as "It's". You shouldn't use apostrophes for some words and not the others, it makes the read unbalanced and makes your writing sloppy; this is for a Contest, everything should be correct whether the judge cares or not, you enter into a Contest outside of this website (a serious one) yours will be the first to go based on the poor punctuation and grammar.
Perhaps this is all in fun, that's fine, too. But, it's always good to be correct 'less the sole purpose of the piece is to be incorrect and I do not believe that's the case with this one.
It has a nice storyline, needs to be worked on, could use a brush up, perhaps change "wanna" to "want to" etc., it also has an abundance of filler-words that aren't really needed.
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This is sooo sweet and cute even though it is a lil sad. I love it! You outdid yourself this time. Great job!! Good luck in the contest!
<3 Jenerali
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