A summer night, the date so perfect
Reconnecting after we broke it.
Our love in tatters, but slowly mending -
How could I know you were just pretending?
Dinner over, our bellies full,
You suggest a dip in the pool.
Swimsuits on, the water is cold
Finally its only me that you hold.
Long minutes pass, and still we embrace
But its not I who set the pace.
Faster and faster, more and more
About this night I'm no longer sure.
Stop, please, I want to slow down -
Out of the pool before we drown.
In the open air, taking a deep breath,
Saddened by the night's early death.
Up the stairs, into my apartment,
You want to finish what we started.
Touching, kissing, slowly but then faster
The big event is getting ever closer.
Where before there was yes, a no does replace
And a dark red anger grows on your face.
Gentleness and love is now force and pain
What from this do you have to gain?
In my mind, a scream does build
And out of my throat, so sorrow filled.
Pushing and bruising, my face and arms -
I never thought you do me any harm.
My eyes squeezed tighly shut,
Into my heart and soul - so deeply thrust.
Small tears upon my cheeks,
Your breath - the pain in me it wreaks.
Minutes pass, though they feel as hours
My grief and pain, your rage devours.
The struggles I try don't faze you,
Perhaps this is something you've always wanted to.
Then its over as suddenly as it began,
Now do you really feel like a man?
Standing up, searching for your things
I'm still lying, in a ball and crying at the scene.
Without a word, without a glance
You leave without any more "romance."
For hours, days and weeks - no word from you
I never told a single soul that it was true.
The end of a night, once so innocent
A gentle love, now suddenly absent.
Haunting dreams sometimes occupy my mind -
Leftovers from the legacy you left behind.
Author notes
This is a poem I've had around for a while now. Its about an incident that happened to me about two years ago. I don't know whether its any good or not, but I thought I'd put it up here anyways for some feedback.
~~"Hate and Lies" - for the Contest!~~
A contest entry
- O.o Anything Goes o.O by vampireblood.
430 points, ended May 26, 2007, 76 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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i am curently working on a piece of love making not of something so brutal. it was interesting to read a piece that is the extreme opposite. it is complete emotion, but i do think that it needs some polishing. As pegasus commented your rhyming needs a little work. plus this line " Saddened by the night's early death" made me think the poem was over before it actually began so when the climax of the poem comes it steals from the structural integrity of it all. good piece though, i am confident u will make it better.
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This is such a sad piece, I am sorry that this is from personal experiance. This was a very emotional piece. Thank you for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
~~~Vampy~~~ -
This is so sad. Aww Im sorry this happened to you hun. Its a really good poem but its so sad and haunting. I hoped writing about this helped you to get your emotions out. Keep writing, you're talented.
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Well it certainly has a raw powerful enmotion behind it and i truly think that it would truly shine with a slight touch of polishing... some of the slant rhyme is a bit of a strech and it is a tad bumpy, but think it would really do well to polish it,
NOW, that aside, I applaud you for penning a hard subject, for it can be a healing balm to do so, and hope that is the case for you here. I do hope that others in similar circumstances do actually report it for it IS a crime and needs to be attended to as such! I know it is hard, but it is also important to do, for both yourself as well as the perpetrator, not to mention future victims he may do this to! Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e * -
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Any suggestions on what exactly I should fix?
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