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Sunsight

                           1
Rise up age 
         old god
(Hell's fire

     tethered to

 heaven),

 

Give sight to 

sightless,

Give warmth to 

cold skin:

 

Winter is too long
and
The sky is an aged drinker,
all Bitterblueruin.

Must stave off midnight kisses-
this paranoia, it slowslips
sticks to my scalp
So give 
FIRE
to frighten beasts
and melt the icy cold.

2 Hell's fire, Heaven's door -

 

Shining bull, chained to earth.
Silent watcher, awe-full grandeur
Show the way, light our worth,
We see our limits in your splendor,
And know we are but fleeting mirth.

But you stand
STRONG

The night has no place beside you
Darkness flys at your glance

Teach me your bright dominion
'Fore the smotherdark comes

Author notes

I did use the color blue in this poem, but not in conjuction with the sun! and it wasn't really to describe a color- just to describe a feeling.... is that ok? I can try and think of something else if its not!
I tried in this poem to capture what the sun means to me, and to those thousands of early cultures that worship it.
(very) loosely based on the Isaac Asimov Story, 'The Long Dark'

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 19 of 19

  • Florida Sunshine
    June 10, 2007

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    I actually LOVE how this was written~ I like the split of the poems as in heaven and hell~ Nice job! People read this~ its great!


  • Epistomolus silver member
    June 7, 2007

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    Hmmm

    I understand that you're looking for critical review of your poem.

    Despite a couple of edits you still haven't run the spell checker. The words that are misspelled don't strike me as adding irony or surprise. I understand that people coin words or use creative spelling (I do it myself, but I do it consciously, to inject a little fun). I try to be in control of it, though; if I'm not doing it consciously, then I'm just being lazy.

    The first poem works better than the second, to me, because in the second the wording serves to fit the rhyme more than the meaning. This is a primitive theme, and you're naturally falling into trochaic meter, like a heartbeat or a drum. Keeping the beat more steady, or at least having the rhyming lines scan together, would give more drive. For example (and my lines are _not_ better, just an illustration)

    Shining bull chained to earth
    Silent watcher awful grandeur
    Show the way, light our worth
    We're but shadows of your splendor.

    In your own way, in your own words, I would find a rhythm that strengthens your poem. Not going for sing-song, but power, momentum. There's really no such thing as poetry without meter. Free verse works best when the poet understands and respects meter, then chooses to break the rules to add strength. But you have to know the rules in order to break them on purpose. ;-)

    You have a strong poem here, and a clear vision. With some further refinement (or in your next poem) you can continue to hone your ability to make me see through your eyes.

    • Lugh
      June 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comment. I do need to do more study when it comes to metre, I belive it is my weakest point. Is there anywhere that you can recommend in terms of study?
      With the spelling issue... which words are misspelt? I cannot see them! I have created a couple words in this poem - like smotherdark and bitterblueruin. These are words that I enjoy, and i feel pulling them together in the way that i have lends nuances to both words involved... Its a fairly cheap trick, but tends to force people to read them the way i intend it.

      Thank you for taking your time-

      • Epistomolus silver member
        June 7, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        Oh, no, your coined words are fine. I agree that you use them to good effect. I was referring to aweful (awful) and granduer (grandeur). The spell checker button would have caught them, and the spelling wouldn't inadvertently distract the reader.

        By "study" metre, I hope you just mean "read a lot of poetry with a variety of metre." Learning the names of the forms isn't as important as appreciating the way the rhythm of the words affects the mood of the poem. It's something we do naturally when we're telling a story - choose diction with the right crunch and crackle to keep the listener engaged. When we reach for a rhyme while making a point, the words we choose can be askance of the true meaning. (Thank goodness we can edit poems after we post them here - my first thought every morning is "what was I thinking last night?")

        I can only make comments like this because other aspects of your poem are already working so well (as noted by the many other reviews on this page).

        • Lugh
          June 7, 2007
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          Why thank you for your kindness! I have changed Grandeur, and you have highlighted the awful issue - which I originally (and had forgotten!) wanted to read as if it was full of awe. I have amended that to awe-full, but I don't know if that even works... I might just have to spell it right... lol
          I'll rethink the metre a bit! thanks


  • wordsmistress21
    June 2, 2007
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    wow...beautiful and evocative. I love the use of language. you were able express so much in such few words. i commend you on this wonderful piece of work.


  • ibsons hysops
    June 2, 2007

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    different and yet subtly very much the same in meaning and refrain. i love what you have done with this entry into a contest!!!!!! Good luck in the Contest!
    take care ibsons


  • I-Am-Custard
    May 8, 2007
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    This is much better, thank you for taking the time to edit.


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    May 2, 2007

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    Touching the truth

    Here there are poems which are although two different poems but to me they belong to the same flow of the muse and same soul which is indeedd flowing in the river of philosphy of the truth...This was a great journey here with so much beauty of spirtualism and with so much beauty of universality as well..Here you are moving like a flame slowly and touching the depth of this truth which is known in this world as God ...This has come out so nicely that I can't have words to describe...Indeed you have a great skill to turn your muse into the great poetic world
    here..Kudos to you...


  • XXBrunettexBarbieXX
    May 2, 2007

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    this was a really great write and i really enjoyed reading this..your words were powerful and emotional and they flowed really well to keep writting your talented

    ~Chrissy~


  • Catressa gold member
    May 1, 2007
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  • PalmettoSky
    May 1, 2007

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    very original in concept...I liked the form and flow of this piece. thank you for sharing. keep up the great work. peace and light, Kendal


  • sleepingINblackRain
    April 30, 2007
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    I like this very much, well written, pure, original.

    Very descriptive


  • patsoldcat
    April 30, 2007
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    good

    interesting use of color and contrast
    the comparison of heaven and hell is good
    love the strength in both of the parts of this write
    started rough, but was great read.
    i think you did a good job with this work
    and the sun did shine here and the winter was bitter cold, great descriptive work.
    thank you for sharing this one.

  • I-Am-Custard
    April 30, 2007

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    I like this, but I'm not sure about all the little typing tricks you did ('l o n g', bitterblueruin')... I don't know, they just seemed a bit gimicky, like making up for a lack of skill in words with a picture (which you didn't need to do).

    The changes in margin were also distracting and made me less inclined to look at the words and more inclined to look at the shape, which isn't really the point in poetry, especially in this where they have very little effect on the actual words. A bit of shape is nice, but this amount is hard to wade through.

    'splendour' used twice that close together? It's too memorable a word for that and there are many other words that could be put in there.

    There is some lovely imagery here though, and some nice ideas that I wouldn't have thought up myself, which is nice to see in poetry about such a 'done' subject.

    I hope you choose to edit... don't change it completely if you do, some of the form works well, I'll trust your judgement.

    • Lugh
      May 7, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I have edited the poem now, what do you think? I got rid of the 'typing trick' l o n g as you suggested - it was a bit gimicky I suppose - but i really like the effect of joining words together - e.g. bitterblueruin.
      I think it makes the reader look at the words as one, and gives a extra level for the words to interact - drawing them even closer into the picture. Bitter blue ruin is not the best, but i think that smotherdark works very well and i'm happy to leave them in.

      I have taken out some of the style, except in the opening where i feel it was effective. I have shaped the second and first poems on the topic differently just to draw out that they are different poems.

      I have also altered the little rhyiming section, taking out the splendour duplication and hopefully making the rhythm a bit better (never one of my strongest points)

      Any comments on whether its better this way?

      Thanks for your previous comment, very helpful!

  • Nicole Hanna
    April 29, 2007
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    "thethered" should be "tethered" right? Looks like it's just a typo, but it caught me off guard. I'm horrible at spelling, lol, so I could just be reading it wrong. I really liked how you switched the form up between the first and second parts. That was great for the eye to follow, and I really got into the story being told because of it. Very nice


  • neoprose
    April 29, 2007

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    This doesn't place as high with your other one. This imagery wasn't as enticing (in my books anyway)


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    April 29, 2007
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    Unique.."Hell's fire caught in heaven" I love that line..not having read Azimov..I cannot relate to any references thereof, but from where I sit, this is of no great consequence..not needed to understand this..your last two lines, gorgeous..I like "smotherdark"..

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