Just like a silver blade without a handle,
I fall to the floor covered in blood,
My eyes are blinded by the pain,
My hear stops its just to late,
To late to be forgiving,
To late to even think,
To late to even cry.
My eyes are open as I take my last breath,
My painted lips open to cry out 'why'?
Why can't you see your wrong,
Why can't you see my love for her,
Why do I feel chained to the wall,
Why can't you just let me go?
Spoken these words are useless,
They always have been when it comes to you,
Dust to Dust, It hurts to fall,
Fist to Fist it hurts to lose.
She loves the way,
You look at her,
She hates the way,
The way I won't give in,
My pride,
My hope is broken.
I am done,
I am gone,
You've all ready won,
Your fist of steel,
Beat me to the core,
But it wasn't you that brought me down,
It was her,
The little girl,
That decided to make me itch.
I've fallen down,
Onto the floor,
Screaming in my head,
'I don't want anymore!'
I just want it to end.
Just break my heart,
Why don't you,
You little wench,
Why don't you send a man to pummel me into the ground,
Instead of just telling me no?
Can't you see I would of backed down,
Unlike now,
But really I have no choice to fight.
Slam me into a wall,
I know he is strong,
Kick me to the floor,
I know I can't win.
In the memory of my life,
Will you forget me?
In the memory of all that is done,
Will I succeed?
In the memory of my love,
Can you feel me...
Author notes
Written July 22nd, 2003
A contest entry
- Make Me Feel by LostInThought.
250 points, ended December 22, 2003, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Very well written. From all the applause, it seems you have a fan base.
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Again, thought provoking imagery. The only thing bad is that you have words misspelled or with missing letters. You are talented, but when you leave things like that be, it slows down the read because people stop and ponder the errors. Well, maybe not everyone, but meticulous people like myself and book editor's would.
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yikes this is powerful. i love the visuals in the first stanza. the whole poem is like, bragging your bloody mess of a self through it. i like the intensity.
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i am nearly speechless. this is one of your best yet. very good imagery, and you can actually feel the emotions while reading it. as always, great job, and keep up the good work.
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im really lovin all of your work so far and i belive i will continue reading all of it yet i dont know if i can continue giving comments im just stuned about how good u are so im gonna keep readin and u keep up the good work ok.
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SUPER WRITE! SUSPENSE AND HORROR! AH! IT'S TRUELY A GOOD CHANGE FROM ALL THAT LOVEY DOVEY BS U SEE ALL THE TIME!!!!BY THE WAY GREAT!
~~~**MUCH LUV AND PEACE TAKASHI**~~~ -
Intense, aside from the spelling errors I really enjoyed this poem.
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"and as she excepts darkness in her last breath, her soul turns black and walks away to the river of Styx."
Wow, very powerful. I am liking you a lot. The most intense lines that flow together perfectly with the rest of the poem is:
Your fist of steel,
Beat me to the core,
It is the most intense ones I have read in any poems. It's wonderfully delicious for the darkness and horror that you write about.
There must have been a lot of terrific pain to have been able to write such a strong emotional poem? It was beautfiul though.
*makes reminder to add your poetry to favorites page*
Very nice.
-Barbara- -
guilty
wow, very nice, i like the visuals that you present for your readers, its a good write one way or the other. great job.
~ demon within seeking release from pain ~ -
Well done
This is stunning. God wow you're good. I wish i could critique well. I'm sorry i don't know what to say. I did like the way each stanza was set out. It had the right effect, can't pinpoint what it was. But it had the right effect. Take a look at my poem Watery Death...It's similar, but not as good as yours. -
Oh my....this is so deep and intense, plus the anime picture on top just addes to the anticipation. WOw, really stunning write. I love Gothic/Gore, and yours are no exception. GOod job.
ROck on,
Jenn
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