Cold and comatose
She lay serene, yet unfulfilled.
Dark and emptied out
She dreamed, maybe, maybe not.
Scared and frenetic
He scrambled about, eyes transfixed
Bleak and uncertain
He panicked, bleeding for her.
Stern and resolute
They noted, nodded, noting some more.
Drained yet attentive
They observed, focusing on her.
Calm and unspoken
She stared, at nothing, at everything.
Pink yet polluted
She respired, slowly, assisted.
Pained and uneasy
He paced, vomited, paced some more.
Torn and suffering
He cried, screaming, hysterical.
Rushed yet unruffled
They scurried, ordering, listening.
Quick and decisive
They assessed, predicted, directed.
The car, totaled
The man, wrecked
She’s alive, maybe
She’s dead, not yet.
Students, sweating
Moment, endless
Doctors, cautious
Parents, Restless.
Table, white
Scalpel, red
Eyes, close
Flat line, read.
A contest entry
- Whatever..just make it good. [astonish me] by borrowing.moonlight.
1000 points, ended June 30, 2008, 160 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This was very starkly realistic! Being a medical practitioner myself (Occupational Therapy), I have seen, and been through a lot. I have also experienced this in my personal life. You described it so well- the dying process, especially in an emergency/trauma situation. The entire scenario, with the patient, the family, the hospital staff scurrying to save a life. It was all very painful and sad, but true. Good descriptive poem. I liked the sharp contrast of these two stanzas;
"Calm and unspoken
She stared, at nothing, at everything
Pink yet polluted
She respired, slowly, assisted
Pained and uneasy
He paced, vomited, paced some more
Torn and suffering
He cried, screaming, hysterical".
The patient, who is already past living, and the family member, who is left to deal with it. I have been there myself as a family member and as a medical professional. You captured a lot of it in your poem.
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way real
as all of pass through the veil it is never a pleasant thought to see it happen by way of circumstance.
this was well written with care and concern, there was dignity and love in the treatment of this.
this shows a heart of compassion and kindness
you are a wonderful writer.
thank you for this
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Whoa...
Wow, this is very dark and well written. I do so enjoy dark poetry. I know it's all the fad right now but you did manage to take it to new heights that a lot of poets can only hope for! I thought this was really quite good, and will probably have it floating through my mind throughout the day. Great job on this.
~*CarpeDiemSurrealus*~ -
An eerily dark piece full of haunting imagery. Well done and thanks for sharing. GREAT POEM!!
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In the first stanza, I think you could do without the commas in the second line. I'm such a comma slut, lol, and was told to try writing and give them a rest, and it really does wonders for flow in a piece to leave them out whenever possible. You've used nice strong words in this poem, which I adore, and the alliteration that occurs is also very well thought out. The final two stanzas are interesting, and create a wierd, but effective feeling for an ending. Some very entertaining reading here
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I really liked this. There was a strong and atmospheric individuality. I cannot offer any criticism as I don't think this poem needs any improving. A great write that i'm glad I cam across. Jon
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