Awe stricken faces lay bare
in front of my naked eyesight
revolving beneath my pressure.
Sustain..he is retreating
in the blindness of my breathing
examining with desperation
for a key to the treasure.
Breaking
I am not smiling
my eyes give a shivery glitter
Do not stop and stare!
I recoil into my injustice
that have now been wound in
chains.
Ambience of nostalgia
churns your instincts
you
are still not afraid to face me.
I ponder over your confessions.
You retreat and return
to my home.
Will
I realise that this is a folly
blown from your privacy
remaining an exposure of intimacy
that the heavens and the hell shares.
Your innocent stricken vibes
rise me into ecsatsy
wounding me to a history
which you will
find
contorting to your beliefs.
Run across my heartaches
tieing me into pleasure
I cower into my hallucinations
letting you all in
to find
me...
Author notes
Seduction of senses!!
A contest entry
- The Perfect Seduction by Emerald Dreams.
1750 points, ended June 13, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What is your fantasy? by Sinfully Yours.
1000 points, ended July 11, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Good Write. Thanks for entering and good luck
Emerald Fire -
Here's a few tips straight up:
1. Don't make words go down the page like you did with 'chains' 'you' and 'find'
2. Don't make words in all caps. they don't work for me.
3. None of this stuff~~~it~~looks~~~tacky
Now if you follow that from the start, and if your poem was editted, it would be pretty good.
I didn't think this was erotic, but as countrybabe said rather 'sensual' but i did find this sexy, kinky, and showed a side of you that i've never seen before. And I think that is really cool.
Already, you are taking risks. I think I might have underestimated you. But I have a feeling you could improve, and potentially do well in this contest. I think the longer you are here, the more you'll learn and grow. As long as that happens, you are already winning.
I think this appealed to my sense of sound, which counts towards imagery. Soundas in the ME! emphasized the sound. The caps locked had nothing to do with it. Had you just said-
Me!
it'd have the same effect.
Good luck to you Preets. I am impressed! -
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Am I supposed to be flattered by the other side of me comment...well I am!!
Edited!! Just merged them in the sentences...any other suggestions Mr Judge???
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I think you should keep it left alligned.
I prefer that kind of allignment.
but it is up to you.
It looks more mature without the CAPS LOCKED.
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left huh??
hmm...I did that to highlight my words like breaking will you n blah blah!! I ll see!1 -
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lol ok then.
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Not Bad
This is not a bad first attempt at erotica at all. I loved the words you used. I feel it is more sensual than erotic though, but maybe that is me. My writes are always straight forward I guess. Well done all the same, you did well. Good luck with this piece in the current contest you have it entered in.
Keep writing
Countrybabe
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Yeah!! You can call it sensual rather than erotic..erotic can be a little this and that...u know what I mean..... I basically concentrated on feelings rather than the actual doing
Thanks aunt!!
U know u rock!!
preets
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