Murien was an elven maid,
her hair of gold,her skin unscathed.
She danced upon the hemlock white,
Into the darkness of the night.
She had upon her brow, a star,
which shone with neverending light.
A light, which blazed anear and far,
A guiding path within the night.
Her eyes, of green, they shimmered brightly,
casting stars about her face.
Her dress, so pale, it rustled lightly,
with her footsteps’ constant pace.
Her ringlets gold did wave intensely,
as her dance grew more in speed.
The urgency increased immensely,
with most sincere and dire need.
She falls, rubato, wet and weary,
motionless and out of breath.
Fair Murien, she hath completed,
the cold, immortal dance of death.
A contest entry
- ~Darkest Of Dark~ by XxMysticalFantasyxX.
450 points, ended April 30, 2007, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Reminds me of medieval paintings. Rich
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This is amazing! I fell in love with the rythm and flow. It paints a beautiful picture in my mind and I am hopeful I may dream of this tonight. :]
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I like this very much. The pace is very nice and the phrasing as well. It almost had the feel of something a bard might sing in the court. I'm not typically a fan of intentional rhyme in a poem because it's often done poorly, but not here. In your poem the rhyme doesn't seem forced, and your choice of words throughout the piece seem to fit the style as well.
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definitely the first and the last verses are the best, I feel. Pretty good work!
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a tight little narrative poem that strikes quickly to the heart of the tale as it impales the poor fairy upon her own folly.
Peace,
Tom B.
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Made me think of the ballet of The Red Shoes. Excellent rhythm and rhyme scheme.
Lovely narrative running throughout. Just one little thought, your title rather gives things away - the reader knows exactly where you are going from the outset. The first 3 stanzas flow so beautifully, without prior knowledge, the reader would be lulled into a false sense of security giving the final 2 stanzas an unexpected rise to your climactic reveal.
I enjoyed this poem very much. Thank yo for the read! -
As has already been said, a feat of technical excellence. You have certainly done far more than I could ever dream of as I can only express myself through free verse and a lot of enjambement at that. Great story telling too. Thanks for sharing and good luck in all your writings
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Very very nice indeed! It's not easy to tell such a fine engaging story with excellent rhyme and more impressively, absolutely perfect iambic quadrameter. I only write rhyming metric poetry and to find such superb flawless meter was a sincere pleasure!
To be honest, I kept waiting for the meter to trip up somewhere but it never did! Superb!
Your language is vivid and stylistically spot-on throughout. My favorite stanza was stanza 4! My only observation is that the rhyme pattern switches from aabb to abab after stanza 1 and then to abxb in the final stanza. It doesn't detract much from the poem but it did give me slight pause.
In any case, color me impressed - not an easy thing to do! I enjoyed this piece immensely!
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It's a nice little poem and it has that fantasy feel to it like something written by Tolkien or Salvatore.. but my one criticism is how you constantly used things like "she falls, rubato, wet and weary" or "her dress, so pale, it rustled slightly".. Instead of her pale dress, it rustled slightly.. just created an unnatural pause that doesn't need to be there, in my mind, at least.
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This poem is actually somewhat based off of Tolkien's The Ballad of Gil-Galad
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Very great poem..I really liked reading it..it was very creative..very much well done..you are very talented and thank you for entering my contest!! I wish you the best of luck
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Thank you
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