A Journal Entry

Cradled within this withdrawal
Take this bleeding heart
In clenched fists
And toss it in to that hole you call hell
And watch the veins crack in those putrid flames
The melting organ twitching on the ground
Step on it to make it stop beating
Destroy it to kill it permanently
Stop reviving it just to shove it back into that pit
You call love

As you fell against your securities, I turned to search for mine. All that remains is a shadow; my own to be exact. It replicated my moves and is the forever servant of my every day routine. Glued to my feet, it only follows me because of natural ties; not because it chooses to be.  With that cut of freedom, even that silhouette would be long gone.
Maybe I envy your ability of expressing emotions and having a lover who loves you in return. All the true loves I have had were: unrequited, long dead, or sinful to the conformed eyes of society. I remain the concealed monster in that sea of the popular majority. Take me from this prison cell and dangle me above that complex divine truth to see if what I tell is true or false.
Truth is behind my tears and dulled scars as I pull open the layers of my life. When I say, I care about you, I mean every syllable. The breath I took before saying those four words were honest as well. Take my breath away with your replicated honesty and paste it on my forehead. That way I can look back at it every time I catch a glimpse of the monster in the mirror. Maybe you can burn those letters into my skull, that venom with subside. But that would take a long, long, long, long … long time.
Lies are behind my smile and twinkling eyes as I step through those school doors. Each step amongst the marble floors makes me cringe from the memories. I see you holding hands, kissing, and laughing away your troubles. As much as I envy you, I can no longer despise you. Take the juices of life and be happy with what you have found. If you see me seek the corners for refuge, I will not lie and say that is not me, for it is. I will not claim a falsity by saying I never cried over you, that I loved others, or that I had a stable life style afterwards. You have no idea how deep you drove that stake and you have no idea how many soiled bandages I go through each day to make sure I will wake up the next morning. So many times I stepped to the edge of that divine cliff and attempted leaping; leaping with you on my mind and so many others who have hurt me in their attempts to stay on top. But honestly, I stepped back and turned my back to the death awaiting me.
Do you have that strength in you? To take my hand when I recoil from your touch? To laugh when I want nothing more to do with you? To hold me when I give up on the world? No one does, and the ones that do- definitely would not care to share that strength with a monster such as me.
So drive your stake a little deeper. Hurt me and leave me twitching in a blood puddle on the floor. That way it will be harder for me to care about you, harder for me to mean those syllables, and take that breath to say those words. In that case, I am begging you crush me before you step out the back door. But, don’t forget to leave the key. You never know when I will need to lend it out to another starving hand…