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Technicoloured Deliverance ---- A Trio of Nights

 

I

 

 

What of the prow of the arm-

does it bend like a greenstick fracture?

 

 

 

In 4am when the birds waken

with whistle and flute, cock and sure

that will annoy, even the deadest of dead;

tap-tap on the wood

with wings of newness

this day the poet picks up her pen

& breaks the rules

- Curls toe to beam and bends

  nothing is broken or mended today



 

She counts fingers, toes and toe-rings

all shiny-shiny with dark purple polish

O' the decadence of wishful thinking



 


II

 

white sails float on the ceiling

and sirens wail across the city

streets are sliding-slick

and how the sickness prevails:

birds, dip-dip in the murky puddles.

And the tree in the garden

with the pretty white blossom

brushes the window; pain

broken arms, branches
carved children, in the night.

 



 

III

 

 



 
his arms won't stop pointing
towards the door,
the fucking birds whistle in his head-
beat the bastard drum
dig the vein
dig the insane
bangs to a tambourine rain
drum drum drum city style lines

the CIS building stands proud
done in neon
a technicolour deliverance.




 

 

 









 

Author notes

detox night shifts that ramble on and on and on

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 50 of 50

  • Emerald13
    May 7, 2007

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    i love the shift in pace and atmosphere giving me experiences i can taste and others vicariously ... so many turns of phrase i love, and all of second stanza - fabulous imagery throughout >>> gina


  • rude pedestrian 07
    May 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this day the poet picks up her pen

    & breaks the rules

    - Curls toe to beam and bends

    nothing is broken or mended today


    ^^that part won me over,
    and the rest just confirmed how amazing this was.
    awesome write. holy crap...


    -sophie


  • Dalaney gold member
    May 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    for some reason my applause isn't showing!!

    grrrrrr....

  • Dalaney gold member
    May 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I approach your poetry as if it is
    a huge meal...I come with an appetite,
    I fill myself like a pig, and then, I
    sit back...completely satisfied. This
    is an amazing piece of work...do you
    mind if I burp up three bunnies?

    Love, Lane


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      ahh Lane.... that is such a lovely thing to say..... you've made a dulled saturday shine.. thank you my friend

      and yes.. burp away.. in some countries it is very rude not to burp after a hearty meal



      Loves and Hugs

      Gilly xo


  • dp robertson
    May 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is one of those pieces that changes gear and accelerates towards the end. The images that tumble from this poem are extraordinary as they are so vivid and soaked in atmosphere. It makes for great writing. There is an easy style that displays superb mastery of one’s craft. The topic of morning in both metaphor and actuality has of course been done to death so it takes a good writer to still squeeze blood from this old stone. Part three of this piece hangs there almost in disdainful juxtaposition with the previous sections. I have read this a few times now and I like it very much and admire whoever the writer is behind this as they are very good if this is anything to go by.

    And by the way

    this day the poet picks up her pen & breaks the rules

    always a red letter day for this little duck too.

    David

    PS I am a shocking speller but to my eyes ‘deliverance’ looks better like that.


    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 5, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks David...

      i never seem to get anywhere in your contests.... ahh well.. onwards and upwards...


  • Alexander Hine
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this one. "In 4am when the birds awaken" is a great line. I love the way you invoke the atmospheres in each section. The first is so beautiful and full of early morning halflight, sounds of nature, songs - but still with a dark edge. The second is more filled ith pain - sickness, sirens, broken arms - but retains peaceful images - white sails and a blossom tree. This build up of tension makes the end very powerful. The birds are still there but they are turtuous, and the hints of drug abuse and insanity. And I love "tambourine rain".
    I didn't like "wings of newness", it seemed to stick out as a stylistic stumble...but that's just a matter of taste.
    Excellent work
    K. F.

    P. S. sorry about my stupid guestbook entry. It was about 3:30 in the morning here and I was very tired, I was just so impressed. :-)


  • Wandika gold member
    May 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    City Life

    Out here you can just shoot the damn birds or get up with them. I get up before they do.

    Sold the drug clinics and am now unemployed. I do not miss any of it Gil. Hope all is well with you.

    Jim


  • poetryality silver member
    May 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "In AM when the birds waken
    with whistle and flute, cock and sure
    that will annoy, even the deadest of dead;
    tap-tap on the wood
    with wings of newness"


    These are the sounds right outside my window. There is a thick woods behind mt house. The birds happen to be my sleep-call. They let this insomniac know when it is time for me to go to bed. We live opposite lives my friend. It seems you rise at 4 AM just when I am going to sleep. Not to worry, I do not sleep the day away. I awaken at about 8AM - 8:30AM. This body has trained itself to no more than 4 hours of sleep. I am sure that will catch up with me someday. Got any suggestions on how to get to sleep before the birds?


    Your imagery is stellar and there is a serene sense that exudes from your wording. This is an exquisite work Gil. I'm so sure David will be impressed.

    I love this!

    The best to you in this challenge.



    Much Love ♥

    Renee

  • Suzanne Dia
    May 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply


    Very nice rhyme in this. I want a moment like this. Felt light, in a way, not sure if that makes sense, but like finding 5 minutes in a room with no one else..... and pondering whatever you want, pulling whatever faces you want, uttering whatever curses you like, and no one knows, no one hears, no one sees.....

    whether or not they care is moot in these solitary moments.

    One of my faves by you, gilly..
    really really really well written.


    thanks for bringing me to this ponderplace.

    • NurseChilly gold member
      May 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      have i told you lately how lovely you are... and thank you Suz, I worked a bit on this one.. and Lute pointed me in the direction of up and Liza too...

      i had all the words. just not in the right order in some places.. lolololololol - story of my life eh'

      • Suzanne Dia
        May 2, 2007
        Edit | Reply
        section one is what my dreams are made of, daydreams anyway, quiet ponderings without anyone around to judge. would be lovely.

        • NurseChilly gold member
          May 2, 2007
          Edit | Reply
          i'll have that feeling again, tonight in work...

          i really must try to remember to take the camera one of these nights and take some shots of around the building..

          it's quite spooky at night...


  • Ariosto II. gold member
    May 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I don't know if this is your latest but it's the one I came to working my way up the list.

    It is surreal and dark and as others have said..meaty.
    Ridley Scott should direct

    I remember a wild night in Mexico City surrounded by the quasi Teutonic dark architecture of the buildings around the Alameda, (one still split in half from earthquake) The air charged with electricity

    reminds me somehow of this

    heavy good stuff


  • Desiree Darkk
    May 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like your detox poems. They're dark and meaty. Yes. Remove this poem from David's contest immediately.

    Desiree

  • BlackHeartsNowReign
    April 29, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Powerful.

    Nice choice of words and metaphors.

  • Bad Bill
    April 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This is hard, muscular poetry indeed--very powerflly-worded and with great imagery. Well done.
    Bill


  • ArtFullyMe gold member
    April 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Just a few things, if I may...

    you need to hyphenate your double words ( dip dip, shiny shiny, tap tap, and the others )

    and a comma after birds in - "birds dip dip in the murky puddles."

    I love the ugliness in this..


    • NurseChilly gold member
      April 29, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      you know.. i was contemplating that .....

      thanks hun... you have that eagle eye i need


  • Quiet places
    April 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Intense Write!!

    Must be a full moon! Everyone is restless. Minds are moving at a different pace. Sounds like a slow dull night at work. Love the disrciptions of toes and rings. Imagery here is great. Enjoyed the write, Don


  • B2oH
    April 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Geezus....raw, gritty and yet...beauty drawn from the fractures of humanity, from the song of birds, from the sickness creeping slowly across a land.

    The CIS building stands here as a gateway...in this.

    Quite wonderful word working indeed. Poetry it is and with an eye of humanity still vibrant with hope.

    • NurseChilly gold member
      April 29, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      you're so clever O'bobblyone... we say to the clients if they get lost... look to see the CIS neon sign to the north and you'll find detox...


      well done you... hurrah

      and luteman wanted me to take it out.. hehehhe.. i stood fast


  • DogFish silver member
    April 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "Chilly", how do you take the mundane and the horrible and turn them into beauty and awe? Thanks for reminding us with your poetry that life is precious and each day is its own adventure.We must seize them!

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    April 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    "nothing is broken or mended today" is a line that sighed with the equilibrium,at least,being maintained and liked it very much.Liked also the whistle and flute of the birds,demonstrative of the song and the melody being orchestrated.Methinks maybe typo with tamborine/tambourine?The "In 4am" caused me to pause at both read throughs,I understand it appertains to during the hour of 4am as opposed to at 4am but it just caused me personally to pause at it,it doesn't quite work and oh how I dislike to say it,but I hope you will explain so I can learn dear poetess Mthinks typo technicolour on last line?The last of the trio of nights struck the reader with the palpable difference between the character reacting to the birds et al,the very same noises/scenario that brought one a level of harmony and time to reflect brought him disharmony and internalized the chaos,as ever,excellent writing,a pleasure to read

    • NurseChilly gold member
      April 29, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      I know it's not the norm.. but i stemmed it from the fracture to the :in ... to add the time and how it fractures through the night??

      well.. that was what i was hoping for...

      thank you Yvette though, for taking time to dissect and take an avid interest...



      grassy arse...

      • Yvette Champ gold member
        April 29, 2007

        Edit | Reply
        Thanks very much for the heads up,it's always great to learn something new and thanks for the grassy arse,I nearly swallowed my cigarette laughing therefore proving smoking really is bad for me lmao thanks again


        • NurseChilly gold member
          April 29, 2007
          Edit | Reply
          hehehhe

          it's very bad for you... i gave up almost 4 yrs ago now


  • tara wilson gold member
    April 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I love the mood here, the imagery is wonderful, feel like I'm counting toes too, tap tap, dip dip, dig dig, drum drum drum, I like these, they are very effective and bring the thoughts together well into the ending.


  • ca ne fait rien
    April 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    1- It'sfunny isn't it how even in the middle of the noises of the early morning city, the birds are loud enough to be irritating.
    2-My favourite- it is so real- describes my realities anyway.
    3-the reality of reality

    The poem is like waking up from a good night's sleep filled with dreams - the last stanza evokes one of those times where you drift comfortably into wakefulness- stretch and scratch contentedly, then realise you are not where you ought to be.

    Good luck in the contest


  • Nicolette gold member
    April 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    These detox series of yours are just getting better, Gill. Loved the serenity of the first part of this poem against the "insanity" and frustration of the latter part. A wonderful view into the mind of an addict and how they perceive the sounds of night (as opposed to others). I also liked the sounds and the colours here...and of course the way you present life, my friend - so very real. Different nights...different effects. Great poetry!

    ~ Nicolette


  • bringer of missery
    April 28, 2007

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    very good i think you are a awsome poet keep it up yu write alot better than me and i mean that keep it up you have lots of potential i mean it you are awsome


  • lyrical-rebel
    April 28, 2007

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    colourful description... random thoughts blending into one whole picture...
    well done...
    nice write... interestin n vivid...


  • DottyDom
    April 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i totaly get ur poem


  • Sabindi
    April 28, 2007
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    Bravo

    Very well penned with vivid metaphors and depth.


  • Allure of a Rose
    April 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Dayumm!

    So, don't really have a lot to say...
    Thought I'd start with something like, "Wow."
    Repeat for emphasis, (Wow).
    And then in conclusion I thought I'd tie it all together with- holy shit... just - Wow - that is/was amazing.

    -Allura


  • Whisper Mckee
    April 28, 2007

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    I agree it good, speical the part that is about city life. The flow is and style could use some work.

  • Looking
    April 28, 2007

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    great poem

    i really like it the beginning is just outstanding. if i had to say somethings i would probably try to make the last part flow a little smoother. doesn't really need anything though. nice work.


    • NurseChilly gold member
      April 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thanks for dropping by

      appreciate your words.. but i like the flow, think it works just fine..


  • misselaineous
    April 28, 2007

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    love it
    the
    dip
    dip
    dig
    dig
    lovely sounds throughout
    elaine


  • Dalaney gold member
    April 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow...


    • NurseChilly gold member
      April 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      thank you Laney...



      it was a bit messy... but the Luteman helped me unmess it..


  • Lute
    April 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    In the (hour of) 4am
    when the birds waken
    with whistle and flute,
    (cockney) and sure that they will annoy,
    even the deadest of dead;
    this day (as) the poet picks up her book (pen)
    - Curls toe to bend and beams
    nothing is broken or (mended) today


    white sails float on the ceiling

    and sirens wail across the city
    the city sirens wail
    streets and sliding and slick
    slick sliding streets
    and how the sickness prevails
    where sickness puddles
    with the pretty white blossom
    that brushes the window pain,
    broken arms, branches
    carved children in the night.

    [& and he sits across from the poet

    his smile is weak and his words

    soft, he aches for something

    other than cut down trees

    & broken arms, branches

    and he craves for his children

    in the night] cut.

    his arms won't stop pointing
    towards the door,
    the fucking birds whistle in his head-
    beat the bastard drum
    dig the vein
    dig the insane
    bangs to a tamborine rain
    drum drum drum city style lines
    done in neon
    tehnicolor deliverence.

    messy me. :


    • NurseChilly gold member
      April 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      hahhah

      i'l figure it out.. i think... pokes myself in the eyes hoping to wake up soon..

      thanks Strangeshapedguitarman..

      messy little git..

      burp

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