Chains of chiding on a reaching mind,
Bands of obscurity's threat pulled tight around open eyes,
Fetters binding ample hands and feet.
Social establishment wielding its arm
And baring it's hideous teeth--
Daring me to venture out
(Predicting absolution)
And provoking primal fear.
Crushing every forbidden dream.
In a list
A contest entry
- forbidden dreams by PurpleLogic.
315 points, ended April 28, 2007, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - This Tastes Like Tragedy by Exodus.
527 points, ended May 21, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM. Any suggestions?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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This is interesting and well thought out. And it doesn't rhyme (you'd be surprised just how many entires I've gottern that rhyme). Personally I think this poem would sound better if you get rid of the personal factor (i.e. "Chains of chiding on the mind,"). Though that's more of a personal taste than anything else. Other than that, this is a lovely poem, thank you for entering.
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Thanks, I think I'll make some revisions with removing the personal pronouns, per your suggestion. I like that idea. Sorry you were so disappointed with your contest.
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Thankfully yours was one of the ones that I really did like, thank you for entering and congrats on the silver in the other contest
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Very good
I like the economy of words here, and you've told the story without a wasted word. That second stanza is beautifully intense..
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its amazingly worded!
i love your use of words. it could have been a little bit longer but it still gets to the point and i think it sounds realy good. good luck and thank you for entering!
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