Knowing you
Loving you
Holding you
And feeling you slip away
And feeling the life trickle out of you
Like water through an unclosed fist
Missing you
Grieving you
Wanting you
And wishing it could have been me
And wishing I could have been where you were
Wishing upon each star in a sky as lonely as me
Knowing you
Loving you
Holding you
And hating you so much
Hating you for being the sweetest sacrifice
Hating you for saving me
Hating you for leaving me
Because I'd rather die than be without you
Author notes
To the contest holder: I decided to incorperate both topics into this poem; sacrifice and lonliness. Also my other poem is called My Un-virgin self.
To the reader: Am really intrigued to hear what you all think. I have only attempted freewrite a few times, so would love your advice. Thanks
A contest entry
- POETIC X FACTOR ROUND 2 by Laura.
450 points, ended May 5, 2007, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Trophies That Shine Group Contest! by Dead Hair.
450 points, ended July 4, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 39 of 39
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I really liked this one, it was a perfect combination of need and independence, of love and hate. I liked your first stanza's imagery: "like water through an unclosed fist". <
KP -
awesome!!
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I love the hate/love quality to this poem. You expressed your emotions so well and definitely get your thoughts across. Thank you for sharing something personal like this with us,
xoxo The-Seer
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=)
great read
so sad though 
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excellent!
I really like this poem!! It is a great read!! It's has so much emotion and feeling...very inspirational...good work
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excellent
This piece is an excellent expression of lost love and loneliness. It seemed to flow nicely for a free write and I think you did an amazing job. This is something for everybody to relate to. Job well done! -
this is really good. i am sorry that this happened to you. i know that many people can relate to this poem because many people have lost someone that they care about. i think that this is really good for only attempting freewrite a few times.
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It definitely leaves an impression, so full of emotion and pain.. you have put this topic into words very well, you can see the person rocking in a corner repeating to herself 'knowing you, holding you' and those lines as she grieves for her lost love.
~WU
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good write
I can feel what you are feeling through your words. The repeating verses kinda remind me of the rhyme scheme. I only freewrite. But overall I liked it. Keep up on the freewriting.
-Jill
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wow this is so sad..made me feel quite alone infact..well done i love it when a poem awakens emotions .. good luck in the contest xx
laura xxx -
I really like the repetition of phrases as well as the despair/loneliness that comes across in the words you've used. I feel as if I should reach out and hug you because that's how low this poem is. Nicely done.
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very well done. the repetition of key phrases to begin each stanza worked perfectly to portray the constant, undying, heartbeat-like emotion that you felt. wonderfully done! thanks for sharing.
-Deminishing
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I love this poem! great job!!
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I LOVE IT!!! It is so full of passion and emotions.
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please write the name of your other poem or poems in the author box... thanks xxx
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I love freewrites, as I find I can express myself without forcing rhyme... which is always a bonus... lol.
I thought you did quite well with this, a bit repetative, which gives the rhyming feeling, but is still a freewritten piece.... 'Best of both worlds'... lol
You have written a great poem here....
Jeffro
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I've never felt that way about anyone. But this is a very powerful piece. I love the first verse. Keep it up! S xxx
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omg wow...this hit sooo well. Its packed full of emotion, and to be quite honest i think you've got a great chance at winning, and for someone who never really freewrites, you do it very very well. This was an amazing poem, wonderful and sad all together, great job, keep it up!!! and i want to wish you the best of luck in the contest.
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Excellent job. A very good freewrite. I personally like freewriting because in rhyme we are often "forced" to use a word to portray an emotion or feeling that does not convey it apropriately just to keep the rhyme scheme. I think this does a perfect job of conveying the love/hate side of relationships. Very well done.
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Brilliant
aww! a nice touching piece... good work here... the only criticsm i u can get is that its filled with cliches.. still, nothing wrong there! i do that miself at times! anywayz, good job.. keep writin, lov and cheers, hugs and kisses, shuvi
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Very nice, I liked the way the meter/rythem flows so nicely in this poem, its something a lot of poems loose nowadays. Really neat messege, too. great write!
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very good, you may have only attempted freewrite a few times, but your very good at it. a incredibly sad peice, and i can type of relate to it. good work, and good luck in the contest.
keep writing kiddo!
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wow...this is really good it makes me sad *tear*
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This is great! I personally prefer free verse writes. I feel that there can be a lot more expression in them, although, form poetry can be full of emotion, but it's limited to that form...so..
This is a beautiful piece! I can feel the emotion within. A very vivid write! Great job!!
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wow this is great I love it I kinda can relate one of my best friends took her life about 4 months ago and i feel the exsact same way so anytime u need to talk im here u can add me to msn or yahoo anyways this was a great right keep up the good work!
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WOW!!!!!!
This was a very good poem. I can really relate to this as I have just broken up with someone I thought was perfect. I like poems I can relate to.
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Wow. This was a great piece of writing. The beat and rhyme were good, and the content was wonderful. I really liked the last paragraph, especially the last four lines.
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i especially like the last line in the second paragraph
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this is beautiful...so emotional...it made my heart hurt. I really felt the feelings inside this poem. awesome job...keep it up!
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sounds like a powerful mantra for love.
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Very powerful free verse here! Really made this reader take notice of how this flowed and the beauty came together...enjoyed this! Smiles, Terry
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wow, this is pretty good. I like in the first stanza the simile
And feeling the life trickle out of you
Like water through an unclosed fist
this is very vivid. Great write.
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wow this is really emotional. i can feel the pain and sorrow emminating from it. good job!
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Wow
A really emotional piece. I like this a lot. I can feel the sadness, the anger, and the love it it well. Great work.
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Hating you for saving me
Hating you for leaving me
Because I'd rather die than be without you
i know the feeling darling and it hurts so much more than anything i've ever known. you did a fabulous job at showing your emotions and making me see the loss you're going through.
Love
[[Chaos]] -
wow! this is an excellent write. it reminded me off the feelings that i had quite a while ago but it also moved me and made me feel as though i was inside the story that your poem created. thank you and well done this was really good! you are very talented
p-r x -
veryveryveryveryveryveryveryveryveryveryveryveryverg good lol
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this is really sweet and emotional. this is a really good freewrite for an attempt. I like how your telling a story. You have alot of talent and im gonna add you as a favorite!keep up the work and great write!
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Love It
WOW...This is such a beautiful piece. It made my heart hurt. I feel like I need to pick up all the pieces of something I've never even seen. This one really struck somethign inside of me. Thanks for writing this beautiful piece. Love and Peace, Charlene.
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