A man sitting on a street curb
A parade of strangers walk by
Not one person saw him today
Shoulders sunken-ed, face sullen, eyes stony cold
So he continued staring at the tarred road
A man lying flat, face up, in the middle of the road
Between the white lines of left and right
A traffic jam of cars, horns blasting
Yet still not one person saw him
So blankly he stared at the sky
A man standing in the middle of an intersection
Arms reaching out and hands facing up to the sky
He screams, "Can someone hear me?"
But the cars just drive around him
Like he was a deserted island
A man sitting in his one roomed flat
A single chair sits in the middle of this space
Staring at nothing; spinning the barrel of a gun
'Oh what's the point' he thinks as he lays the gun in his lap
'I'm sure even then no-one will come.'
A contest entry
- Look at All the Lonely People by Diseased Mind.
450 points, ended May 10, 2007, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Look At All the Lonely People III by Diseased Mind.
550 points, ended May 11, 2007, 2 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Hmmm
Definatly I see the lonliness that is being expressed here. I'm not a big fan of the "A man" line. I think that this is probably the the weakest part of the poem. I do however like the rest and the imagry is very good. I'm not sure how I would change 'A man ", maybe if he was this man or the man. I don't feel that it would take anything away. At the end I think you need to put the doulble italics in or whatever they are called. if im wrong please correct me.
"I'm sure even then no-one will come."
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Wow
This poem really wowed me. Loneliness can really make you feel that way. This was a very powerful and emotional poem. The last stanza I loved the best. The other people you mentioned were very out in the open with their cry, this man was sitting in a private space, contemplating taking his own life. This really is a great poem.
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