The wood was fresh fir
Straight and warm to the nose
Garage light brought moth to blight
as that kind of cliche will do
and Love, you are no where to be found.
but where I left you is sweet still in my mind
and I do not find this remembering often
Locked like fighting fish
tattooed as molested runaway
You are a great expectation
a narrative thread spun so well
That these spiders must sleep it off
for the poisoning is too quick,
too thick, till death bears no memory
And what gods would I kill
to have our reckoning?
Every single one but you
And what angels would I pluck,
strangle, and mount, to be seen
by you, for the man I have become?
all that would risk intervention
To have a chance
To pull that veil of stars from your face
and finally tell you
Once and for all
What our story means.
A contest entry
- Here's the Deal by dp robertson.
900 points, ended May 5, 2007, 41 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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Rather enigmatic
Well, where do I start? Yes, I agree with your synopsis that, “unless one knows you or your family, such a poem would in fact appear: somewhat enigmatic.” Aside from that it possessed a good sound structure and flow and your use of metaphor was excellent.
But I am saddened to read that you are still very much the, ‘self-absorbed misanthrope.’ But I must admit, your poetic prowess is admirable. Keep up the good work and in the mean time, I’ll pray for your soul.
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You set the scene, you painted the story, then you owned the audience... XLNT JOB! Not a thing needs adjustment. TWO thumbs up brother!!! (Hope all is well in cali) Peace-GETS
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Wonderful Imagery
You have a wonderful use of imagery through out this entire piece. It is writen with style and makes the reader stop and think, which I see from the myriad of different comments you have received. Thank you for stimulating my mind and Congratulations on the win of a Silver Trophy.
Blessings to you,
Rev. Alimae
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Interesting and original! I particulary enjoyed the last stanza, it was powerful as a concluding statement. Though I can't not point out that I did enjoy the abstract elements of this poem all thoughout. Great write
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Amp Fire
wow i love it... well i love bela too... sad the way he died in that horrible cheasy movie...(stupid loaded guns)
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A very interesting and original write full of fresh imagery and phrasing. The theme escapes my comprehension, but that's quite all right, as that just makes your poem more fascinating. Congratulations on winning the silver trophy.
David Michaels
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I won't try to pretend to understand this from the point of view written, I do know what it means to me...I won't bore you with that. I do like this, and several lines stand out in my mind...this one in particular:
"You are a great expectation
a narrative thread spun so well"
Interesting piece.
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Fathomless
I'ts kinda like deep sea cave diving for the soul. The twists and turns astounding. Almost a scroning of love, not the person or the object but love itself.
The line that stands forth to me is...
What gods would I kill to have our reckoning?
A question rather than a statement.
BTW I'm new here but I truly appreciate the work in this piece. -
Excellent write. Very well constructed
Lady Dragonwyck
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Great poem, And I love that you put Bela Lugosi in the title. He's awsome.
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"till death brings no memory"
beautiful line -
Well that shirley melts my heart -To pull that veil of stars from your face, a beauty indeed
That diaper and those words up there are a deadly combination
Bravo , enjoyed...
galfalfa
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Yeah! One of my favorite kinds of poems from you.
It's a love poem where you seem to be talking to someone. I can't ever get you to tell me if you really are or not though. 
Oh well. I really love the way that this poem starts off so dreamy and wistful. It seemed very realistic because you weren't tearing your hair out or anything. You were still living and part of life but here you found yourself in your garage and flooded with sudden memories. It happens to all of us and I could really relate. Of course the next part shows that the person that you were talking about was very difficult and that makes me think that has something to do with why you are seperate from them. Though I don't understand what you mean about the analogy of the spiders. I'm lost on that. The next stanza seems to say more about why the person isn't with you anymore, like maybe they left you and it wasn't in your control to stop them? And it seemed like you were sad and longing too but I'm not sure why. Your last stanza was really beautiful though. It doesn't get much more romantic than that. A guy saying that nothing can stop him from finding this person and pulling back the confusion, to join you guys together again with the beauty of your feelings and thoughts. How romantic! I also wanted to as if you were saying a veil of stars and that's a metaphor for a marriage veil? That thought crossed my mind, so I thought I would ask. Ok, that's my best guess on what you mean. Well I always talk to much on your love poems. But you don't write a lot of them so I get desperate. lol 
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Synopsis
I really think it's a waste of time to figure it out
because there's no way to, and here's why:
1. you'd have to be really close to me, or a relative to
know about where I come from as a human being, and since you don't? You don't posess the detective gear to understand the case.
2. since you're a woman that has led a rather sheltered and conservative life (not that thre's anything wrong with that), and I'm a man that has lead just the opposite kind of life? I'm like a deaf man trying to describe to a blind woman what the sky looks like.
3. You tend to take things extremely literal at a face value, most do. people like you find their balance in predictability and routine, knowing what's what and what isn't. I on the other hand believe the opposite and all of my work stem from being an adversary to normality not a cheer leader for it. I despise every religion, I believe that there is no such thing as kings or royalty or government or a need for any. I loathe schools, cliques, groups, any form of "we think this way and so should you" type of process. You on the other hand believe that college, career and family values are somehow going to fill the whole of your being with regularity and confidence.
4. I'm usually always talking to myself in my poetry, or my mother.
5. Poetry is about not knowing the half of it, not psychoanylizing the author.
6. One day you'll understand that language is a joke, and so is poetry it's all viral, and at the end of it all will have amounted to nothing but a bunch of shorn paper and scribbles. real poems are lived, real words are destroyed.
the only thing we can ever truly know is ourselves, never our neighbor.
I live by three rules
I. know thyself
2. love is the only law, love under will
3. do as thou wilst is the whole of the law
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amen! ... now i'm going to get drunk (shit ... too late)
i agree with you completely ... oh, and i liked the poem too ... one of the better ones that i have read from you ... *cheers* m8
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an excellent piece with an incredibly strong ending stanza-
m
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That is a good write sir Excellent. I'll need to return to this again and take in more of it.
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A GOOD WRIT I THINK I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND A LOT. SOME SAY I MISS A LOT OF BOATS ANYWA Y.
YOU GOT YOUR POINT ACROSS IN YOUR OWN WAY GOOD JOB FRIEND.
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i enjoyed the imagery and there is an internal rhyme from time to time ... i got a little side tracked by the capitals at the line beginnings - there seemed to be no particular reasoning ? not all lines begin with a cap and not all sentences finish before a cap at the line beginning ... i may be missing it...
that first stanza is beautiful ... lilting ... and i love 'i do not find this remembering often' ...
lovely poetry ... congratulations on the trophy ! >>> gina -
Technically sound. Great imagery... although I suspect each reader had a different mind picture after reading it. It was not always easy to follow your intent. But the poem stands up well in spite of that.
Congratulations!
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OK. So my take on this is a conversation with your father, who is no longer around, while standing in his garage, longing for a relationship that never was.
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Lovely imagery throughout. I especially love the final stanza.
Congratulations on your silver trophy!
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"and Love, you are no where to be found.
but where I left you is sweet still in my mind
and I do not find this remembering often
"
that part caught my attention, the way you addressed Love directly. many people try doing that in poetry and it just doesn't work. but this did.
"And what angels would I pluck,
strangle and mount to be seen
by you, for the man I've become?"
great job.
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This is how you write an original song on the done to death yet timeless topic of love. Whoever wrote this can actually write with an eye for art and a passion that hooks in the reader. This is a great piece. Especially after what I have read in this comp so far it looks like a diamond sitting at the bottom of a tank of turds. There are lines in this that are outstanding
To pull that veil of stars from your face and finally tell you once and for all what our story means.
I had no idea just how deep that tank was until I read this gem. Thanks for putting some poetry back into this comp.
David
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beautiful
this is sad. i wish i could tell you something worthy of the double points - but any time I have ever left more than three words on a comment you have bitten off my head... actually, i think i'm risking it now.... sounding like an airhead here.
ok... critically I have nothing to say.
regarding what it's about... it kind of confused me. there are parts where it sounds like the speaker doesn't think he is worthy of the intended reader... but then at the same time, it sounds like he is saying that he doesn't miss her at all.. but then in writing something, it clearly means he DOES miss her, because one wouldn't write about something that they didn't miss... because... well what would be the purpose. it wouldn't be on their mind.
ok. that is my interpretation.
i'm sort of anticipating a sarcastic and mean response...
but the guy in diapers is sexy
[haha]
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well done to say the least. imagining the story behind this piece is part of the charm. the hope in the ending - that there is hope / "a chance" is the rest for me. A solid ending to such a piece is hard to come by, but you make it look easy time and again.
I'm quite sure this is gold.
Best of luck in the contest.
Kim
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You're perdy...
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Oooh, stanza three just made me have a mental orgasm. All you have to do is mention divinity in some aspect or another and I get all gooey inside. The last stanza, however, incited a whole other reaction from me. One of sentiment, but also one of question. I wanted to hear more damnit! You're a greedy bastard, keeping it all to yourself at the end like that. Shame on you.
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nice
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i should read more of your entries bro. how's life in the wacky town these days?
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This is beautiful, and captivating. It makes me savour each word and read it through slowly. Your use of language is stunning, and your description is amazing.
I love the line "These spiders must sleep it off for the poisining is too quick, too thick". I am not sure, but I think "tattood" may be "tattooed".
I love this entire poem, best of luck to you in the contest and I really hope you win. Three applause plus a hundred more invisible ones.
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this is so beautifully spoken...you have a way with your words here. they had me captivated from beginning to end! "And what gods would I kill / To have our reckoning? / Every single one but you", those lines just really hit me while reading this piece. best of luck to you in the contest! i am sure you will do great!
~bee
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Good luck in your contest, you honestly deserve to win gold. it love it!
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This is very beautiful, and cleverly avoids the cliche feel, even with a couple of cliche thought. Best of luck in the contest. whisper
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A kinder gentler horus poem.
Gave me a sigh this morning, thanks.
Lisa
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