Smile

Ever notice how we each have have our way that we deal with things, and certain things that will trigger a depression? I personally have quite a few, and tho I no idea how they came to be I am learning what they are. Some people see me as a big and strong person who is very serrious and hard to approach, while others might see me as a person who cannot take anything serrious, is very lazy, and cares only for himself. Some have told me that I'm mean, controlling, and lack all sense of empathy. However, I wonder how many people actually see the real me? Are the masks that some of use wear such a perfect fit, that when you do remove the mask, they don't see you?

I've been told I'm wise for my age, and I put up a mask of knowledge that I possess, but I'm not that great. I just turned 18. I'm still growing, still learning. I can tell someone that they should be honest in all situations. Not to others, but to themselves. I'm brutally honest some of the time, but then I can't at other times. I'll tell someone that they need to do what their heart says. To follow that small little voice inside of them. Yet, I cannot practice that myself, so right now, I will try my best to. It may not be organized, but oh well. It's my thoughts.

In this new world of technology, there is so much that isn't said to each other. No one seems to read inbetween the lines. Reading those two previous paragraphs, you wouldn't know that at this moment, I want to just go kill myself. Not something stupid, but something serrious. Maybe start with running a knife over my skin. Then take the tip of it, and gently press it into my skin until I feel a small amount of pain. After that, take it and run it across my skin some more applying pressure until my skin splits apart. After I can deal with that, go back to the tip, and stab it into my skin. I want to watch the blood just run like a spill on a countertop. Then after that, when I am finally numb to the pain, stab it into my chest and into my heart.

People would then hear about my death, and it would tramatize quite a few people, but no one would know with the prejudice I deal with. The hate that fills peoples eyes as they look upon me. None of them would know that as much as I have called out for help I just wanted a friend. I just wanted someone I could have hold me. Someone who I can honestly say loves me. And not a love like that of a two people dating, but the love that a wife and a husband are supposed to share. One that where they don't even have to say anything and they'd know something is wrong. One where what I am wouldn't matter, but who I am.

I realize that a lot of people would read this and call me emo, or something of the sort, and riddicule me. That's not the case tho. I don't really want to die. I just want a friend. Someone once told me that sometimes those who really need help are those who are always giving it. I think he was right in saying that. The saddest part of all this, is I can't send this to my best friend, because she'd be one of the people that riddicule me. She'd give me comforting words of pity, then go and talk behind my back to someone. I could send this to any number of people, but they would just look past it, and ridicule, psychoanalyze, or just kind of avoid me.

I guess my reason for typing this up, is a plea to those who do manage to read it to slow down and pay attention to those around them. Pay attention to their face, what they're doing, how they're acting, what they say, how reluctant they are to speak. Don't push yourselves on them, just let them know you're there if they need someone to talk to. Don't judge them. Just be there. Take some time out of your schedule for them. I know this sounds a little cheesy, but oh well. Two phrases that mean a lot to me. One I just heard while typing this and the other I've always lived by. "Smile, it could be the best thing you've done all day." and "Smile, you never know whos day needs brightening."