This darkness once around me,
Holding me, breaking me, I was never free.
Now I see the light as it flashes up a head,
I see it and can feel that everlasting peace.
I sense the end is comming,
Feel death's frozen touch.
I have so much to tell the world,
But words are not enough.
So I tell the world with a barrel and trigger,
Leaving my final words upon this bloodied paper.
"Fuck the world and it's perverted caress,
I love you baby...sorry 'bout the mess."
Author notes
i dunno....this isn't to good.....I wrote about suicide and my last words to both the world and my girlfriend "love you" hope you like it...and have fun judging hun
In a list
A contest entry
- Last words... by Nitenovanavium.
1000 points, ended May 2, 2007, 20 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Very Nice
You're kididng me! This isn't very good... Man oh man if this is one of the worse writes in your eyes I'd hate to see how your best write it because this is a very good well penned poem and I really love the message you left behind but any ways this is just an incredible poem and very well penned! I really love the way you wrote this and I envy how you can change the color fonts through out just like Chrissy. oh well. any ways awesome poem and really liked this. keep on penning away these lovly words we call poetry
Signed, Paul =}
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i love you, baby- sorry about the mess. that line is bittersweet. reminds me of a song i heard on the radio, with part of it saying "love's suicide."
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Good write, good rhyme sceme and i especially liked the slight air of comedy in the last stanza, exellent job. ~*~*~*Anguish*~*~*~
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Oooh, wonderfully dark. The way you've ended this is amazing "Fuck the world and it's perverted caress,
I love you baby... sorry 'bout the mess" - simply amazing.
The second stanza, however, is possibly my favourite - it speaks so loudly and the lines "I have so much to tell the world,
But words are not enough" work so well at putting across emotion and emphasising the feeling.
Well Done,
Keep It Up,
xUnseenLovex
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I love you....r writing? I don't know, I'm just addicted to your poetry, it's great and beautiful even though it's dark and depressing.
"barrel and a trigger," this would sound better without the "a" before trigger.
This is so great, even better so now that I've glanced at the contest. Good luck, I'm sure you'll do great
SLAM.
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a great poem a great tribute to your friend you really made this poem so personal well done and good luck in the contest
laura xxx -
a head would be better written as ahead then it would not make people think of an actual head
comming - coming / and it's perverted caress - it's needs to be its here. a good dark poem.
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more then half of Society can relate 2 this but less then a quarter will admit it!!!glad U could Xpress Urself 4 them & U N this artful piece!!!
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NICE!!!! This was another really really great poem..I really liked it hehe its so dark and cute especially when you wrote I love you baby sorry about the mess..I know its not that cute but its cute if you know what I mean? well great write hehe really nice..loving it Muahahhaha
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Wow...
Such harsh realism, and what a sardonic end. I think you could be a great fiction writer. A little too dark for my taste, but well written.
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Lots of points given out in this contest - quuite the question about what one would say in two mintues - did an awesome job here.
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and thank you very much for your wonderful comment on my poem as well
xx|Tasha|xx
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sure thing! judgings going to be 'fucking' hard though (excuse my sweedish, lol) this was awesome hun! my favorite line would have to be: and sorry about the mess! i found alot of humour in this poem, it reads like you had a bit of fun making it. which is great.
one question is the barrel entailed explosives? if so you get a +10 marking due to an implied dramatic explosion, lol. -
hey..you say this wasn't good..but i liked it..i haven't really written in the past 5 months..buti wrote tonight..you should check it out
I really liked this..to me it said alot..even though it was short..isn't that when some of the poems are really good..when you have to use your mind to make the most sense of this..
I loved the ending:
"I have so much to tell the world,
But words are not enough.
So I tell the world with a barrel and a trigger,
Leaving my final words upon this bloodied paper.
"Fuck the world and it's perverted caress,
I love you baby...sorry 'bout the mess."
Great job..keep it up and goodl uck!!
-sae-
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