Sitting alone in the light
The ray of sunlight trickles through the cell window
A flow of sedative through my veins
Living in an empty bliss
Night falls and my lonliness fades
The moonlight awakens our inner being
Accompanied by my shadow in candle light
Cheeked pills lead to another night of sleepless commotion
A messy bundle of memories rush back
Rolling the film of my life
Fully edited with added scenes and trickery
Delirious joy at the twisted truth i self portray
Sitting alone in the dark,
Aggressive starlight and a scythe shaped moon
A storm of extrovert thoughts infiltrate my mind
Living alive in a tired mental torture
Author notes
Wordbank (Cocaine to you poets): Sinner, Hypocrite, Reaper, Tired, Lonely, Anthem, Evolution. NB - YOU ARE REQUIRED TO USE A MINIMUM OF TWO WORDS UP TO ALL.
----
Lonliness http://keribang.deviantart.com/art/loneliness-5003017
A contest entry
- ELECTRIC ABSINTHE (FORMALLY PINK STARLIGHT) by Electric Sunrise.
1000 points, ended May 9, 2007, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Insomnia by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended September 2, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Picture Inspired by Denierim.
1000 points, ended November 1, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
-
Such a wonderful dark story you have here! You did well with this, showing us a climps of what insanity might be like... Sitting in loneliness while you watch life just passing you by... Beautiful work with such a deep and dark poem!
I love the wording you used. There were especially a few parts that really got to me, like the full third stanza. Such a great way of showing how you can just watch your life go, not able to do anything with it. I also liked the reference of "a scythe shaped moon", beautiful imagery all together. I love it when some parts of a poem hit me really hard and make me think further, painting a picture in my head. That's the sign of good poetry.
You did well with this one. Wonderful work! -
Rolling the film of my life
Sounds like life before I had a computer. Thanks for entering. -
God, this is a classic dark write.
I love it.
But you have it under spirtiual as one of your categories.
How is it spiritual?
-
-
Hmm... good question! I just felt the whole poem dealt with thoughts and insanity that it would fit into that category, think i might edit it though!
THanks anyway
-
-
Great job, congrats on the HM in Phil's (Electric Sunrise's) contest. You really deserved it! My only suggestion is that freeverse poetry looks so much better if it is left aligned. Thank you entering, and good luck.
Chelsea
-
-
Thanks for the tip, its now on the left
-
-
Good write, a bit confusing in parts and is very dark indeed but I didn't feel quite original! Nice use of image!
-
Mhmm..
Exellent.
I love this.
Especially the 3rd stanza. And the lines :
A messy bundle of memories rush back
Rolling the film of my life
You use amazing description the whole way though this poem. And it really left me thinking.
Thank you for entering and Good Luck!! =]
-
I've always loved poems that make you think, to a point. This one, however, did just fine for my tired mind with it's massive lintball. (My way of calling it a headache.)
Just three little mistakes that are easily fixable. "Shaddows" has only one 'd'. It should be "delirous" and "infiltrate". That was all I could find, at any rate. A great perseptive of insanity, I'd say. Not that I'm insane or anything... at least, not much more so than others pretend not to be.
Sweetest of dreams! ~D
-
-
Thanks for pointing out the typos
done and done!
Glad i portrayed insanity accuratly! Hope you enjoyed it
-
-
I really enjoyed reading this, sorry it took so long to comment on it, some clever imagery here, and a nice useage of the word bank, good luck in the contest
-
Wow this is soo good i just kept reading it over and over agian. Good luck in the contest.
-
Incredibly gorgeous and slightly disturbin poem. It flowed beautifully, I'd say. Best of luck in the contest.
Adding your comment:
1 - 13 of 13
